


I Wish It Was You

by tvshipsetc



Category: New Amsterdam (TV 2018)
Genre: F/M, Jealousy, Longing, Regret
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:21:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 65,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23230075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tvshipsetc/pseuds/tvshipsetc
Summary: “People will miss you the moment you stop caring. The moment you’ve moved on. Because that’s how it works. Most people want you the moment they realize you no longer belong to them at all.” R.M. Drake
Relationships: Helen Sharpe/Cassian Shin, Helen Sharpe/Luna Goodwin, Max Goodwin & Helen Sharpe, Max Goodwin/Cassian Shin, Max Goodwin/Helen Sharpe, Max Goodwin/Lauren Bloom, Max Goodwin/Luna Goodwin, Sharpwin - Relationship
Comments: 97
Kudos: 142





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’m at it again! This mini hiatus is already kicking my butt so I decided that I’m going to let you into my little world and write some angsty fanfic for you about Helen/Max/Cassian. It's multichapter so we're a long way off. Enjoy.

She spent all night tossing and turning, losing sleep over the what ifs and maybes. For every scenario she imagined, she worked out an answer to his questions, a facial expression to what she assumed would be inevitable awkwardness and a million ways to deal with whatever was going to change in their relationship. Something _had_ to change. For God's sake, he was mere inches from her face. She inhaled the very air he exhaled. She couldn't forget the pained look on his face exposing what his mind was undoubtedly trying to talk him out of. But his body language gave his heart's secrets away. He wanted her. 

She should’ve just slept. Change never came.

He barged into her office the next day, unannounced. No knock, no forewarning, no hesitation. She was busy at her desk trying to catch up on all the administrative work Castro left behind since she was too preoccupied with her trial. She let out an exasperated sigh over the fact that she handed over a completely organized and well established department to Valentina, to only be gifted with the exact opposite. Everything was chaotic. The budget for the next quarter hadn't even been done. There were so many unopened emails from doctors in the department about their concerns with patient care, new studies they discovered and medications they wanted to be included on the formulary at New Amsterdam. Her phone kept ringing all morning long and Helen could hardly see the end of it all. She was undoubtedly going to be engrossed all day with department work, much less for anything else that may require her attention.

Being restored to her former positions as department head and deputy medical director felt great but it also didn’t. The latter came with a whole lot of anxiety, especially after last night. She wouldn’t be able to escape Max. Logically speaking, even if she weren’t the deputy again, she still wouldn’t be able to escape him. The man had the ability to be everywhere at once and find her even when she tried to hide from him. When she was just another doctor at the Dam, he still found a way to bounce off all his insane ideas on her, practically needing her approval to make any moves. She knew he'd be too happy to have her be unable to dismiss him, when she just wasn't interested in what he had to say. 

“So I heard the good news,” he said without missing a beat, as he pulled a chair to sit directly in front of her.

Of course he didn't care that she looked terribly immersed in what she was reading on her laptop. He just assumed that she would make time to honor his presence. The only thing separating them besides her desk was a sea of confusion where all their mixed feelings were floating around, completely untouched. She stared at him for a few seconds, almost holding her breath anticipating some awkwardness. She got nothing so she decided to just roll with it.

“Depends on what your definition of good is," she responded dryly.

Her response caused his brows to furrow in confusion because he thought this was exactly what she wanted. What did she even want anyway? Him?

“Well good means exactly that, right? It’s kind of hard to define because it’s the basis for everything. It’s not better or best unless it’s compared to what’s good.”

He shot her a smile because he knew that some sarcastic comment was about to come out of her mouth after his little philosophy lesson.

“Look at you teaching me about superlatives as though I’m in grade school. Thank you for that. I needed it." She wasn't amused.

He quickly changed the subject, deciding to let her have this one. He didn't need the last word, not this time.

“Anyway, I came here to see you because Brantley told me that the Board reinstated you and I had some ideas to run by you. Now, you have no reason to hide from me while I chase you through corridors, or close your door in my face.”

He raised his eyebrows in delight and gave her a wink! Did she not have a reason to hide from him? Because she certainly felt like she still did.

“Anyway, at the top of the list is this, we hired a new trauma surgeon because this is our peak season for all kinds of motor vehicle accidents. I have something to sort out in the E.D. with Bloom this morning that I scheduled way in advance. She’d honest to God have her way with me if I don’t address that today. I need you to show him around, please?”

He tried it. You know, the puppy dog eyes that she was often so irresistible to. He kept staring at her, turning his charm on maximum frequency, in an attempt to persuade her to give him a resounding yes. Helen was less than thrilled to deal with some arrogant surgeon on her first day back when other things were demanding her attention.

Instead of a stern no, she said rather unconvincingly, “Sure, I’d show him around.”

That’s all Max wanted, her yes. Before walking off, he whispered a 'thank you' and told her something about being the yin to his yang. His appreciation for Helen was never more evident than when she conceded to his requests. At times, she wondered if he really _wanted_ her. She never doubted that he _needed_ her though.

She sat at her desk genuinely perplexed and their entire interaction only made her more frustrated than she already was. Did she just make up everything that happened last night? Was this another one of her dreams? Somebody had to have been pranking her. Maybe she was high. But she couldn’t be. She hadn’t smoked weed since she was in college. This was reality. It had to have been real. But why was he so laid back about the whole thing? He didn’t say a word about it. He didn’t even act scared or careful around her. He was just Max- the same one she always knew. The one who wanted so much from her and gave her so little in return. The one who always needed her to be there for him but often flunked out on asking her what she needed or wanted from him. One thing was certain to her, he wanted her friendship and work partnership more than he wanted anything else. She just needed to adjust to that reality and fast.

******

She kept looking down at her pager to see the time as she waited impatiently in the atrium. Every so often, she tapped her foot while she thought about all the things that she left unattended to waste her sacred time on this. Just the thought of Max asking her to do this caused her to roll her eyes in disgust. It was already twenty minutes past two o’clock and the surgeon was a no show. Helen was anything but tardy so every minute that passed, she silently resolved to give this stranger a piece of her mind. She already had this thing about surgeons. It’s honestly a miracle that she and Reynolds got along. Surgeons were arrogant and self absorbed, especially the male ones, who believed that the entire world revolved around them. Had it not been for Max’s puppy dog eyes, she’d be in her office right now writing her agenda for the plethora of meetings she needed to have with her department this week. Those bloody puppy dog eyes.

When she was just at the verge of walking away and calling Max to speech him off for hiring someone so unprofessional that they couldn’t be bothered with punctuality, she saw him. She didn’t exactly know what he looked like, but even with scores of people walking up and down the atrium looking like they were going nowhere, she just knew it had to be him. Call it a hunch or whatever, but that man her two eyes were locked on, had to be Dr. Cassian Shin. She kept her distance, sizing him up as he walked in her direction. He was taller than she expected. Not exactly the Max kind of tall but taller than her. Literally, it was possible that anyone was taller than her 5ft 2” frame. He was medium built and decked from head to toe in all black. She already made the assumption that he was closed off and a morbid person with a world view so tainted that she hoped to God she didn’t have to interact with him after today. _Who wears all black when it's spring anyway?_

He had on a leather jacket that looked so freakishly expensive that she wondered where he bought it. Helen had an eye for fashion. She spent an exorbitant amount of her salary shopping in high end stores to walk the halls of New Amsterdam dripping in thousand dollar clothing. _Jeans. Really?_ Of all things, this man was wearing jeans his first day on the job. She couldn’t get past it but resolved that he certainly could be a lot of things but uptight wouldn’t be one of them. Perhaps she could tolerate that- at least for the next thirty minutes. She refused to give him anymore of her time than that. Oh, he was Asian. She honestly didn’t even pay attention to that until after she scrutinized his clothing. He was fairly handsome but not exactly her type at first glance. His jawline was sharp and his confidence was unmistakable just by his gait.

After what felt like an eternity because he was just a terribly slow walker, he was finally a few steps away from her. She didn’t make the first move but instead waited for him to be the one to say something. He shot her a smile as though he knew for a long time and she had to remind herself that he was late and already in her bad book.

He stretched out his hand and said, “You must be Dr. Helen. I’m Dr. Cassian, the new trauma surgeon.”

She tried to keep it professional but she was still hung up about his lateness and the fact that he didn’t start with an apology.

“Actually, I’m Dr. Sharpe and you’re late,” she said dryly, squinting her eyes in disapproval.

She didn’t change her mind and she’d be damned if she let another man make her soft. It was obvious he had seen her on television before because he was very sure about who she was.

“You know what they say, better late than never, Dr. Helen. The New York traffic is crazy, even when you’re riding on a motorcycle.”

Still, he offered no apology.

“Okay, before we move on you either call me Helen or Dr. Sharpe. There’s no in between.”

He looked at her, intrigued by her attitude. He couldn’t even argue with her. He’d usually make a snide remark but something about how blunt she was mesmerized him.

“Helen. I’d like to call you Helen. You know, keep things a little informal. I’m not uptight, as I’m sure you assumed by my clothing.”

“I didn’t assume anything,” she said trying to play off the fact that he hit the nail on the head. She had already profiled him and with every passing minute, he was checking off all her boxes.

She began strutting through the halls while she said, “I walk very fast and I’m actually pressed for time so I need you to keep up with me. Can you?”

She turned around to see him a few steps behind her. He tried to close the distance so quickly that he almost bumped right into her.

Mere inches from her face he replied, “Can you? You know, keep up with me? That’s the better question.”

She tried hard to hide what she was thinking. He was so gosh darn pretentious. He thought he had her and the truth is, they had known each other for all of five minutes. She needed to put him in place because he was already trying to get something from her that she was never going to give him. He wanted to see her flustered but he didn’t even know that she was the queen of composure. If she could tolerate him long enough, he’d eventually find out.

She ignored him, easily showing her immunity to his charm, and continued walking as he worked hard to keep up with her.

“Welcome to the Dam, Dr. Cassian. We are the largest public hospital in all of New York. We’ve been around for quite some time. I reckon it’d serve you well to visit our website and learn the history of this place. I’m not here to be your history teacher and I’m so pressed for time at the moment that I need this to be as quick and painless as possible. First up, you need your ID badge. It’s your ticket around here. There is no part of this place that you can access without it. It’s coded so you simply need to swipe to enter certain departments or gain access to our online patient records. We’d be entering this room.”

Before she could reach to open the door, he was already holding it out for her with a smirk on his face. He was chivalrous. He didn’t apologize for being late but at least he had some sort of manners under all that hubris.

“Thank you,” she said, masking her surprise at his attentiveness.

The moment she walked into the photography department, everyone was greeting her. He could tell, just by the way she interacted with people, she was loved at the Dam.

“Oh, I got an email this morning that we should be expecting you. I’m so happy that you’ve been reinstated. I see Max has already palmed off one of his tasks to you,” a young and intelligent looking lady said to Helen.

Cassian didn’t miss the way she rolled her eyes at the person’s comment.

“Seriously, you know how Max is. I’m always doing something for him.”

He filled in the blanks, realizing that Max was the medical director he met at his interview mere weeks ago. Although she rolled her eyes, there seemed to be a softness in her voice as she said his name. She was so cold to him but so different when talking about Max. He left it alone. They each took their new pictures and he watched attentively as she exchanged a badge that read ‘physician’ to one that said ‘administration.’

She busily made her way through various departments trying to show him as much as she possibly could. Everywhere she went, someone called out to her-patients, nurses, fellow doctors, even the janitorial staff. She acknowledged everyone and even stopped to hug a few or blow kisses in their direction. He quickly took notice that this was her playground and he was the new kid on the block. If he was going to be well respected at the Dam, he had to earn her respect first and make sure that he was in her good graces. She didn’t say it and she didn’t have to. There was no way he’d possibly have a fulfilling career if the most reputable doctor and deputy medical director disliked him.

As they made their way to their last stop, his office, he interrupted her speech to say, “I’m sorry for being late. That was very unprofessional of me to keep you waiting and not apologize.”

His sincerity was undeniable and he looked at her straight in her eyes, never once looking away. Their eye contact felt weirdly comfortable for Helen and she knew instantly that he wouldn’t be one to back down. He was on her level and if ever they were to butt heads it would be explosive. He was forward and maybe she liked that about him. He’d speak his mind and not hold back, unlike someone she knew.

He could tell that he caught her off guard when she just kept staring at him almost speechless. He knew he had her when the faintest smile started growing at the corner of her mouth. When she came to her senses, she switched back to her default seriousness. He realized, all she wanted from him was an apology to soften up. Respect, for Helen, was a priority and even if she didn’t know him, she demanded his respect. She was his superior and she wasn’t going to tolerate him thinking that he was excused from being accountable. Clearly, he got the point when she kept bringing up how pressed she was for time every few minutes as she showed him around.

“Apology accepted. It took you long enough," she noted as she glared at him.

"I’d have you know Dr. Cassian, time is money. We pride ourselves on consistent patient care here at the Dam. It would be awfully rude of you to have your patients waiting for consults like you had me waiting this afternoon. One should always take into account things like New York City traffic or acts of God like snowstorms, earthquakes, torrential rainfall or whatever sorry excuse you may want to use as your reason for your tardiness. While I’m sure you may be an extraordinary surgeon," she scoffed hearing those words escape her lips, "if you have a personality that matches your work then you’d fit in quite nicely at the Dam."

He wasn't offended. He merely took it as a challenge.

"Disrespect will not be tolerated in any way, shape or form. Your charm, I am immune to. This relationship will remain professional and as long as there is mutual respect I wouldn’t be concerned about your place here. If you cross the line, then Max and I will have a different conversation about your job at the Dam. Strike one. Do have a good day and I hope to see you around.”

She walked off smiling to herself knowing that she just left him at a complete loss for words. She gave him the savagery she had simmering from her pent up frustrations over her department issues and Max’s nonchalance about their moment last night. Cassian probably thought that he committed a cardinal sin being late. Although Helen had an aversion for tardiness, she had an even greater distaste for arrogance. She would never let Cassian think, especially on his first day, that anything could fly by her. She had to set a standard and watch him sweat to meet it. He was either going to or not. He didn’t even know he was caught in a crossfire and was a target for all her aggravations over Max Goodwin. If he would stick around long enough, he’d soon find out, that he was about to be at the center of everything.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance. I was honestly screaming at both of them (internally) writing this chapter. Clearly I was frustrated about their mess as if I wasn’t the author of it. Lol! Anyway...read away!

The moon and streetlights illuminated the darkness through her office window. It was now nine o’clock and she was struggling to keep her eyes open. She took a deep breath, allowing the aroma of the cappuccino in her hands to excite her nostrils. She wasn’t one to drink coffee so late at night but there was literally _no way_ she was getting through another minute of responding to yet another email, without aggravating her lower esophageal sphincter with strong brew. Instinctively, she made a mental note to resume taking her esomeprazole tablets, at least for the next week or two, just so she could catch up to all the work that was already ahead of her. It hadn’t even occurred to her that Max didn’t bother to text her or do one of his surprise visits to ask how things went with the new addition to the staff. Maybe he already heard all about it. Cassian probably complained about her attitude. He didn’t look like that type of person but hey, who could be so sure about a stranger? 

As if on cue, she heard someone clearing their throat within earshot. She looked up to see him holding Luna in her baby bjorn, her baby bag on his side and tired eyes that she was sure mirrored hers.

“Long day?” he asked in a concerned tone, as if he wasn’t partially responsible for it.

“Absolutely. I gave in and did someone a favor and now I’m paying for it,” she said as a matter of fact. Her voice was low and groggy. She was completely over it-the day, pretending that everything was normal between them, as if her office wasn’t the same place their passions burnt hotter than the cold central air conditioning last night. 

He caught on instantly but not entirely. 

“It took long? It was just supposed to be a few minutes.”

He wore an apologetic frown on his face. He really didn’t mean to set her off course.

“It would’ve, if you hired someone who understood the value of time. He was twenty one minutes and fifty six seconds late. I was this close,” she gestured with her fingers, “to calling you and just letting you have it. If Luna wasn’t in your arms right now I’d still tell you what I planned on saying.”

 _I wish you’d let me have it, he thought to himself._ He was so amused by the thoughts in his head while he watched her all hot and bothered. 

Instead he replied, “So you’re admitting that you premeditated cursing me out?” He tried but failed miserably to hide the smirk on his face. Her glare was so _Sharpe_ that it was cutting through his sardonic bs.

He seemed shocked. He thought he had seen her at peak sassiness before. He was clearly deceived. She slammed doors in his face before, walked off mid conversation when he was saying something she didn’t want to hear, gave him the hand one too many times to count or let a curse word slip, or two, to describe how insufferable he is. But reading her facial expressions, he could tell, she was genuinely upset about Cassian and taking time out of her day to deal with someone like that.

That’s the thing about Helen. Every time he felt like he knew so much about her, something would happen and she’d leave him with more questions than answers. She was an enigma, a mystery he needed to solve, as if his entire life depended on it. The ‘x’ he needed to decode to make the problematic equation of his life post Georgia make sense. 

There was never a time during their interaction that he didn’t wonder what she was thinking or feeling. He wanted to know everything about her but she was so terribly guarded and careful to a fault. He knew this much-she was an overthinker. And even when she wore blank expressions on her face to somehow hide from him, her mind was roaming with thoughts splattered all over like an amateur painting a canvas. He wasn’t sure they would go _there,_ unless he made the move, the one they could never return from. Something that would thrust them both so far from their comfort zones that their feelings would no longer hide behind longing eyes and hitched breaths. It’d be wide open and undeniable but most of all, reciprocated. 

What he did last night just wasn’t enough because they were doing the same helpless dance again. Drawing close but the moment the attraction felt like too much, they seemed to repel like two similar magnets. 

“Yup. Every word I was going to say to you I thought long and hard about! That’s how much time I had on my hands!” she said exasperatedly.

“I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean for it to go that badly.”

There was that glint in his eyes. The way a puppy who did something wrong would look at their owner practically begging for their forgiveness. She was beginning to think he did that intentionally. He knew how to get her to soften up. Suddenly, she was questioning whether she was overreacting about the whole Cassian thing but she’d never let him know that.

He was so quick to admit his wrongs and save face. But that’s the thing about Max. She sometimes felt like he knew how to play her like a fiddle, striking the chords no one else knew how to play. He had abilities that he either used to his advantage or was totally clueless he had in the first place. 

Interrupting her thoughts, his phone started ringing, rousing a sleeping Luna wide awake. She started crying and loudly. His face flushed red with embarrassment. Helen assumed it was because of Luna but it wasn’t. He saw the caller ID flashing with her name and picture on it. This literally wasn’t happening to him. Not now. He didn’t have a chance to deal with it. ‘It’ meant his feelings for Helen that were most certainly occupying most of his thoughts. 

But Alice.

What would he do about Alice? She was so great. And he didn’t mean that the way someone talks about the ex that they felt bad for breaking up with. She genuinely was great. It would be remiss of him to completely deny what she did for him. Sure, she was the first woman he slept with after Georgia and the sex was good enough to end his dry spell. But she caused him to confront his grief in a way no else had before. For the first time, there were no expectations. They were doing this-causally and on their terms. Deep down, he couldn’t deny that Helen couldn’t be some fling. She had to be the permanent one. But was he even ready for her? Was he ready to put himself out there and risk the uncertainty of not knowing for sure if he could really dive head first into something that would blossom into forever?

The mere thought of it made his insides churn. That’s how crazy Helen Sharpe made him. One minute he was thinking about her with nothing but emotions clouding his vision. Next, he was swallowing hard when he recognized the magnitude of what it would mean for him to really leave his comfort behind and surrender to an unknown-owning his true feelings for the person who was holding his heart in the palm of her hands.

But Alice.

She deserved better. If he were honest, deep down he felt maybe Helen did too. Good God. Every time he tried to think about Alice his mind somehow went to Helen. He was so freaking whipped. The last thing he wanted was for either of them to think that he was playing them. He wasn’t. He was confused about a lot of things but perhaps, the only thing he had clarity about was that the woman sitting in front of him deserved the world and every bit of happiness life had to offer her.

“Are you going to keep ignoring that?” She looked at him confused. It was clear his mind was far.

She got up from her seat and stood in front of him completely dissatisfied hearing Luna practically wailing in his arms, tears bathing her face and her skin flushed. “Give my munchkin to me. You’re only making her fussier. And answer your damn phone for God’s sake,” she said frustrated.

She stood close to him, their bodies almost pressed together. _This is worse than last night._ She ignored her thoughts. Helen unclipped Luna from her baby bjorn and as soon as Luna was in her arms, she was better. With every bounce and kiss Helen dropped on her rosy cheeks, her breaths evened out. 

He didn’t have the time to think about whether or not he should answer Alice’s call right in front of Helen. He just did it. On the fourth ring, he answered. The last thing he needed was for Alice to think he was blowing her off-especially after they had sex just yesterday morning. 

“Hey...you,” he said, still keeping his eyes fixed on Helen and Luna. She looked so good holding Luna. She was definitely a natural. 

After it left his mouth he wanted to kick himself. How could he refer to Alice like that? He was so bad at this dating thing. Alice ignored his awkwardness. She was the opposite of Helen. Overthinking wasn’t really her thing. She preferred to simply go with the flow and take someone at their word. After all, she was an upfront person. Maybe a little naïve too but she wasn’t about to change a thing about herself to accommodate her little fling with Max.

Alice was trying to have a conversation with Max but she could sense that he was preoccupied when a whole bunch of one word sentences kept escaping his lips. She decided to get to the point and quickly. She wanted them to meet the following day for coffee at a shop near her Brooklyn apartment. Before he could even work it out in his head with his schedule for tomorrow, he blurted out a “Yes! Luna and I would love that! I mean I know she can’t drink coffee but we’d see you guys there.” His dad humor and charisma were shining through. 

Helen didn’t miss the glimmer in his eyes or the way his voice softened with whoever was on the other line. She sure as hell didn’t miss his one word answers either. She only saw him that awkward with one other person-her. She knew it had to be a woman. The paint was splashing all over the canvas. She started connecting the dots, realizing that maybe it was the parent he told her invited Luna to a playdate weeks before. _But he said it wasn’t a date. It didn’t seem that way. He never even mentioned her after that. Is she the reason he didn’t kiss me last night?_

She refocused her attention on Luna who was fast asleep again in her arms. She took a seat on the couch as she rocked her back and forth. The little girl seemed so content in her arms, completely oblivious to the war raging inside of Helen. 

He hung up the phone and sighed as he sat next to her. He surveyed her face looking for some clue about what she was thinking about. Her eyes told none of her secrets. Her pursed lips were like iron bars, keeping any words from escaping them. “Alice,” he said while holding the phone in his hands, as if her name was supposed to mean something to Helen. An epiphany was meant to come to her with the mention of one stranger’s name. If he thought he’d get a “Who’s Alice?” out of her, though she desperately wanted to know, she’d be damned. She put on her unbothered face blocking out all the thoughts that were racing through her mind. She was not about to act the fool in her office for Max Goodwin. 

When she said nothing, it only added layers to the tension that was already thick between them. He was cursing himself on the inside. He already brought it up. There was no way he could just pretend he didn’t say her name. He had to say something. He just decided to come clean. Sort of.

“That’s uh, the mom who asked me to bring Luna to a playdate a few weeks ago. Remember?”

How could she forget? Forgetting things about Max Goodwin wasn’t exactly something she could easily do. It didn’t take any effort for her to remember things either. Her brain just grabbed every opportunity to store insignificant details about his life in her hippocampus. She secretly hated that she was that way. 

“I do.” She knew where this was going. 

She offered no more words. He continued, “So I took Luna and she had such a great time.” 

She wasn’t making any eye contact with him. Luna remained her only focus. There was no way she could watch him be happy (or pretend to be) and not break into a million pieces. 

“... So that play date turned into more dates. She asked me to bring Luna so we could have coffee tomorrow.”

She didn’t miss the fact that he said a playdate turned into more dates. Not more playdates. It was evident. He and Alice were definitely seeing each other. She swallowed hard as she tried to let the bitter truth go down like a spoonful of sugar. He was seeing someone else.

He kept waiting for a response but the only thing that came out was, “I’m really happy for you. For Luna. You both needed this and I’m glad you found someone who could give you what you need.” 

She looked up at him and saw it. He scanned her face and he saw it too. 

_But I need you. I want you. Just tell me you want me and I’d leave. I’d end it right now with Alice._ He tried to brush off his thoughts. 

She forced a smile as she held back the tears. She was so busy living in her dreams that she was startled into an unsettling reality she didn’t quite know how to face. Max Goodwin was seeing someone else. He didn’t kiss her because he was still taken. He was never hers.

_She is smiling. Why is she smiling? Maybe I was wrong the entire time about her and us. But there is no us. There certainly won’t be now._

If he was really paying attention, he’d see that the smile hadn’t quite reached her eyes the way it usually does. It was all in her lips. None of her heart was in it. 

As if he didn’t just drive a dagger in her heart, he pierced it even further with his admission, “Thanks. I really am.” His subconscious was screaming at him... _no you’re not Ma_ x! He ignored it, repeating himself again, this time, sounding a little more self assured, “I _really_ am.”

“Good for you,” was all she said in return.

“Uh, it’s getting late and I’m really tired.” She needed to change the subject. If she lingered one more second she’d really break and show him just how emotional she could be when she didn’t get her way.

“I need to pack my things up. I have this ridiculous migraine that’s gnawing away at me.”

Concerned and without thought, he reached for her arm and said, “You want to take something? Oh God, I should relieve you of Luna actually.” 

She tensed at his touch. Finally, he was reading the signs. 

“No, it’s okay. I just need sleep I guess. Long day.” She passed Luna off to him and silently she knew, she was already letting him go. She didn’t have the energy to do their dance anymore. Too many missteps. Too many off beats. It was clear they were in different places and wanted different things. He wanted someone who had it all. She wanted someone who she could build ‘all’ with. She didn’t quite fit into his life the way she thought she did. She was his colleague, his sounding board, his confidant, his best friend. The one thing she’d never be was his lover. 

He strapped Luna in her bjorn silently hoping she wouldn’t notice the way his heart was skipping beats. He screwed up. Big time. Maybe he just lost her forever. 

He watched her face as she packed up her things, appearing in a daze. Going through the motions as she closed down her laptop, packed her Birkin handbag with stuff and shoved folders in her case. He wanted to say something. He wanted to explain himself and tell her that it wasn’t what it seemed. But wasn’t it?! He _only_ slept with Alice on the very same day when he almost kissed her. _Only_. There was no way she would understand. He’d only make everything worse than it already was. She wouldn’t believe that he wanted her badly if all his actions proved otherwise.

He royally screwed up. They were never going back to “normal” after this. Trying to have her, he lost her. He didn’t know how to just transition their relationship from friends to lovers. He wasn’t entirely sure she wanted him even. He was doing it again-deflecting responsibility and somehow making where they were her fault. It was his, all his. 

He just wanted to grab her and tell her that he wanted her. That nothing made sense without her. That the only person who really made him happy, save for Luna, was her. That she made those dark days after Georgia’s death brighter with just her smile. That he only survived so much loss because he thought he had something worthwhile to gain at the end of it-her. 

She was right there, only few feet away from him, but the distance was palpable. Her heart was far. Her mind was too. And she was already building back up the walls she let down less than twenty four hours ago. 

A fool! That’s what she thought of herself. A fool to believe that he was really going to do something. That he was interested enough to make a move. Maybe he was just leading her on the entire time. Maybe he wasn’t. She was just misreading all the signs. He only saw her as a friend. Never as a potential lover. She should’ve known it was never going to work out from the very start. How could she fall for someone so unavailable? First he was married. Then grieving. Now taken...again. The timing never seemed to be right. And love, to be right, needed to obey times and seasons. 

He cleared his throat. “Uh, you want to walk out with Luna and me?”

“No. It’s fine. Ron will pick me up in a few minutes. I’d take the lift when he gets here. Have a good night.”

“You too.”

He walked away forlorn. Luna’s body felt like bricks too heavy for his body to carry. His mind was a jumbled mess of thoughts. He could hardly think clearly. Alice was the last thing on his mind. He could hardly believe he lost her but there was this stubborn voice telling him that he’d be a fool to really let her go. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise you the end of this story would be worth all the mess you’d have to suffer through. Believe me when I say, I am suffering too. Irl over this damn show and the eternity it will take before Sharpwin becomes a thing...and writing them in my little fictional world! Stick with me?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guyssssssssss. Can you tell I'm excited? I love love love love love Cassian Shin (but I love Sharpwin more). He's such a breath of fresh air. I love people who challenge the status quo. It has taken me long enough to update this story. That episode and some discipline was just what I needed to complete this chapter. As always, enjoy.

  
Life never waits for you to get it together before dealing you another unexpected blow. One minute you’re focusing on something and then without notice, another thing is demanding your attention. She had no time to deal with it-to process what happened in her office three days ago. She wished she could stand still and the earth would halt its orbit around the sun so she could bask in the light for a little longer. She desperately needed some catharsis, to rid herself of all the heaviness she was carrying around. 

Tears wouldn’t do. She already cried enough of them in her lifetime and she wasn’t even much of a crier. Something had to really hit close to home for the dam to break. The one time she could recall being completely gutted to the point where she was unrecognizable, was when Muhammad died. 

Surprises were never her thing-good or bad. She always felt like being surprised made her lose her control in a situation. She had to be surrendered to someone else or something else when all she really wanted to do was put up a fight. Muhammad’s death was the worst surprise of her life and indisputably the most heart wrenching and terrifying thing she ever endured to date. Somehow, she clawed her way out of that darkness to find a new light again. 

He was her surprise. Her Big Bang. The one who caused her to stretch and expand, morphing into a million galaxies of untapped potential, taking up space she never knew she could occupy. He didn’t know and maybe he didn’t need to but Max helped her find herself again. His influence in her life was way past their professional relationship. In some ways, she was blind to it. Blind to how much she was taking on his ideals, his morals and his work ethic. Helping others consumed her. 

So much of Helen Sharpe was Max Goodwin. She would complete his sentences, know what he was thinking before he made it known, be the bridge between the other physicians and him and advocate for his policy changes. If he needed her, she’d show up. Her availability and loyalty to him was something she seldom questioned. Maybe a part of her felt like she needed to repay him for all that he did. Maybe she felt like she needed to be there for him because if not her, then who? It’s funny how effortlessly, but still to her detriment, she was assuming the role of his ‘all of the above.’ But technically, that statement was a lie. In fact, she was his ‘all of the above’ _except_ his lover.

She was becoming tired; weary of doing too much and getting so little in return. She was becoming exhausted with being present and denying what she needed, just so someone else could have their needs met. 

Catharsis. She needed a catharsis. A new focus? A new perspective? Perhaps, a new love? 

******

She could feel his eyes on her. It’s hard to explain how she knew. She just did. No one could see her wiping her sweaty palms on her skirt or the way she was fidgeting under the table in the Board Room. Brantley was going off at the mouth, as usual, about some elaborate plan to make budget cuts. Helen would’ve otherwise argued, standing fearlessly in a room filled with people with ten times as much money as her but less than one tenth of her common sense, but she just wasn’t having it. Not today. She could already sense that today was going to be one of those days. She had been having them much more frequently lately-the ones where everything that could go wrong did and she could hardly breathe as another wave of issues came at her. 

He was struggling. Somewhere halfway through the meeting, after he spent the last thirty minutes objecting to almost every suggestion that Brantley made, his resolve was fading. He had his head in his hands, sighing at the realization that nothing was working out-not his work life and certainly not his love life. 

He did go on that date with Alice but he also did one of the most difficult things he had ever done. He called it quits. It’s not news that Max Goodwin was anything but a quitter. He had to be exceptional at everything. He had to see things through. That’s one of the reasons he could never be an emergency physician. Though quick on his feet, he had this insatiable need to see a patient from admission to discharge. He liked dealing with the total patient and not just the presenting complaint. Internal medicine seemed to be the lover he needed to make his life complete. Ten years in and many sleepless nights over trying to come up with a diagnosis, he still had no regrets.   
  
Thank goodness he was used to it-sleepless nights-because he had another one trying to piece together the symptoms to diagnose his pitiful love life. He exhausted every permutation and combination, every word in the dictionary to poignantly express his sorrow and even...his love. He somehow never got around to the love part since he still came up short with an idea to broach the very uncomfortable topic of what almost happened between them.

He wasn’t sure why they were that way. He was equally frustrated but happy all the same that their relationship worked like that. They had the ability to bounce back from anything. They didn’t know how to keep score. They could move on as if nothing ever happened. But that was exactly the issue. The hard road offered them better views, yet the default setting in their relationship, was for them to always opt for the path of least resistance. 

Avoidance. Denial.

Instead of shaking things up and allowing the truth to come out, they’d conceal their feelings, preferring to keep things cordial so that they would not lose each other. One thing was certain, Max and Helen were equally a crutch to each other. It’s almost as if they forgot what life was like before they both crossed paths in an act of fate. 

******

It was weird for him that morning. It was Monday and as per their tradition, he’d pick up her cappuccino and English muffin with strawberry jam, as his advanced apology for all the nonsense he knew he was going to do that week. She only noticed she was missing something when her stomach growled just before her pager went off during the Board Meeting. 

She got up hastily from her seat after reading the screen. The sound of her pager drew him straight back into reality. He was still in the meeting, the last place he wanted to be. His eyes followed her across the room. He saw the relief written all over her face and he couldn’t help but wonder what was happening. He had to send a message from his brain to his feet to stay put, to counteract the one his heart had already sent. He couldn’t leave the meeting and go after her. He had responsibilities to attend to. 

“Whatever this is, thank you for saving me from that dumpster fire,” she said, as she walked up to Lauren by the main desk situated in the middle of the E.D.

Lauren immediately started laughing when she saw the look on her face.

“Let me guess, Brantley?” she questioned, hitting the nail on the head.

“How did you know?” Helen said sarcastically.

“It’s Monday. You’re reinstated. Where else would you be?”

“I’m lucky, aren’t I?” she groaned, as she rest her head on the counter.

“By the way, you look like hell. I don’t know if it’s just the meeting but you don’t seem like yourself,” Lauren surmised, not missing a beat as she scanned Helen’s appearance from head to toe. 

She was in flats. To anyone else, a doctor in ballet flats may not be a big deal, but not when that doctor is Helen Sharpe. Lauren could practically count the number of times Helen wore flats to work. It was rare and often a clear indicator that something was wrong, _very_ wrong. For now, she let it slide. Helen was beginning to wonder if her anxieties about her complicated life were that transparent. Clearly she was becoming very rusty at hiding and pretending that everything was okay when it wasn't. 

Switching the topic immediately, she asked, “What did you page me here for?”

“Oh God,” Lauren muttered under her breath, already sensing where this was going.

Lauren held her shoulders in her hands, watched her straight in her eyes as she said, “I just want to remind you that you’re the more level headed one of the both of us. I’m fire and you’re water. I’m a train wreck and you’re...well...you. Poised, well put together and damn near perfect. Should we do a couple of deep breathing exercises first?” 

The mere fact that she felt the need to distract Helen with her preamble, only proved that she didn’t believe half of what she was saying. Helen could lose her level-headedness just like her, albeit a lot less easily or frequently. Those things that she hated, that got underneath her skin, often caused her to say things that she would’ve otherwise bottled up. The unpredictability of the volcanic explosion that would erupt when she seldom flew off the rails, would have people around her walking on eggshells for days. 

Helen was over it. She squirmed her way out of Lauren’s grasp. “Whatever you’re about to say, you need to just say it. I don’t have the time and I’m really not in the mood.” 

Lauren got the point right away. After what she had to say left her lips, she knew it was headlong towards disaster.

******

She was focused and on the warpath. She could sensibly take the longest route to his office and try to blow off some steam but she could care less. There was so much pent up frustration that she needed an outlet. Cassian was dumb enough to provide her with one. All the things she wanted to say to Max, that she consciously suppressed for the past few days, was about to come out in an erratic burst. She only interacted with Cassian probably twice since she introduced him to the Dam. Every single time, without fail, he was unbearable. The man made her skin crawl. She’d rather lie on a bed of nails than have anything to do with him. That’s until he messes with one of her patients.

Helen was mostly professional. She knew how to compartmentalize and draw a clear line in the sand. She’d hardly ever cross boundaries. She respected them because she hated when someone crossed hers. She had a special bond with every single one of her patients. Something changes when you see someone in their most vulnerable state, the fragility of their human life hanging on to the minimal hope that you give them. They hold on to your words, the little hint of possibility in your voice when you say, “It would work this time.” Even as they watch their hair fall off, their gums swell and bleed, their bodies slow down with passing time, they hold on to that still small voice of their Oncologist offering an alternative to wasting away and dying. 

There was never a day that her mortality wasn’t on her mind. She had seen the strongest at their weakest. People of all races, ages and social backgrounds take their last breath on the same hospital beds; some alone and some surrounded by loved ones. It was important for her to be there when any of her patients died. It was well known by all the staff at the hospital, that as long as it was Monday-Friday during working hours and her patient was admitted, in whatever department, you contact Dr. Sharpe. If she was busy, she’d say so but still spare a minute or two to offer some sympathy to the family of the beloved. 

It was ineffable that Cassian would operate on one of her patients and not inform her so she could consult on the case. It was even worse that the patient died-a young mother who was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after giving birth-and he didn't even bother to inform her. 

She took a deep breath before knocking on his door as a last ditch effort to control her emotions. She knocked three times before she heard his annoyingly calm voice on the other side of the door, telling her to come in. She was seething with anger seeing him sitting at his table watching her with this smug grin on his face as if he did nothing wrong. 

“Dr. Sharpe what brings you to my office today?” he inquired, seemingly unaware of his wrong doing.

She scoffed with contempt at his question.

“Dr. Shin, do you have any idea how things work around here?” she probed, her voice calm and low.

He was surprised by her question, still oblivious to the real reason she was standing before him.

“Well, this is only my fourth day on the job so I’m still learning. But I’d be happy to play catch up.” He gave her one of his charming smiles but received nothing but glaring eyes in return.

“Good. Let’s have a lesson, shall we?” She drew closer to him, placing her hands on his desk, leaning her body toward him as he sat in his chair. 

“One of my patients, a thirty three year old with breast cancer was in a motor vehicle accident today and sustained life threatening injuries. You,” she said, as her voice grew louder, “operated on her and she died. I was paged _after_ she died and it wasn’t by you, the attending physician. You may not know but I will now make you painfully aware that when any of my patients enter this hospital you page me. I don’t care what department they’re in or what I’m doing, I need to be aware. Cancer is no joke and it’s gut wrenching when someone has their life upended by some surprising event that they had no control over.”

She cleared her throat as she could feel herself becoming emotional hearing her last words. 

She continued, “Brooke Bailey’s husband called me completely broken over his wife’s untimely death. He asked me where I was when she was dying and I couldn’t even bear we to tell him that I didn’t even know she was admitted. What do you have to say for yourself?”

She expected him to raise his voice to try to somehow overpower hers. She expected him to add gasoline to her fire. Instead, he was water, dousing her fiery passions with just one question.

“If I were to page you, could you have saved her?” he asked calmly, waiting for her response.

She couldn’t even come up with an answer to the question although the answer was obvious.

He took her silence as permission to continue.

“I pretend to be unaware Helen but I’m not. In the short time I’ve been here, there is a pervasive culture of always needing to be over involved in patient care; sticking our noses in things that may not have anything to do with us. Brooke Bailey did not come for an oncological issue. She came because of an accident. If there was a reason to page you, I would’ve in a heartbeat. You seem like a great physician and I would undoubtedly enjoy working with you. But, I didn’t need you. And that’s not my ego speaking. I don’t need you to show up when you don’t need to. I don’t need to take up time in your already busy day. I mean, it’s eleven o’clock. Have you eaten for the day?”

He paused waiting for a response. She simply took a deep breath as his words cut deep and her stomach grumbled.

“You don’t need to constantly show up when your presence is not needed. You don’t need to neglect yourself and constantly put someone else’s needs before yours. You could’ve had breakfast this morning but you rushed to work instead. I’m sure you have terrible G.E.R.D.”

She was fighting a smile because he was absolutely right. Her anger was subsiding with his words.

“When will you realize that you need to take time for yourself? You don’t need to be everywhere. You don’t need to be involved in everything. There are things you can’t control. Life will surprise you. Unexpected events will occur and sometimes you just have to let things be what they are.”

She kept staring at him, unable to come to terms with someone she didn’t really know, seeing straight through her. 

The only thing that was able to escape her lips was, “If you’d excuse me, I’d like to go have breakfast, well lunch,” she corrected herself, “now.”

Before she walked out the door, she paused to look back at him. He was staring at her with an irrepressible smile on his face. She smiled back and shook her head before saying, “thank you.”

They gave each other a knowing look. A quiet exchange took place between them and she felt it. 

Her catharsis. 

Cassian was the breath of fresh air she needed. He offered a new perspective and unknown to her at that time, the possibility of a new love.

******

She walked away from his office on a high. Her mind was roaming the stratosphere as she ruminated on what he said and how it applied to her. It had been a while since she felt so seen; so exposed. The fact that a complete stranger was able to see through her, opened her up to a new layer of vulnerability that she hadn’t experienced in a long time. 

It used to be that way with them. He used to be able to scan her face and tell when something was wrong. She missed the way he would chase her through corridors asking her to tell him her secrets. She missed how he would enter her office unannounced and spy on her as she searched websites for potential sperm donors. She missed his interest in her-only her. Not because he had an ulterior motive but simply a desire to know her better.

She knew that she didn’t maintain boundaries with him as she was easily able to in other areas of her life. She knew in many ways that she let her guard down for Max Goodwin. But there was a time when the lack of separation between what was personal and professional served them. She had gotten so laid back, that his over concern and intrusiveness somehow turned into him completely taking over her life. Maybe it was because of the cancer. Maybe she let her guard down when she no longer saw herself as just his doctor. Maybe she started to lose herself the moment she became his friend and just like a tsunami, he consumed her, and she wanted to become his everything. 

But now that they were here, already so far gone, how could she mark off her territory? How could she say no to him when she was still assuming the role of his savior; rescuing him with the belief that if she somehow didn’t, she would be a bad friend and lose her place in his life. She didn’t want to lose him. And it was more than just about her romantic feelings for him. He did something to her that words still fail to explain. Logically, she knew the fire needed to die but her heart knew that there’d always be a glowing splint. With enough oxygen, the ember would become a ravishing flame consuming her yet again.

It was so hard to think about it. That’s why she hadn't thought about it in three days.

Interrupting her from her thoughts, she heard, “Helen, wait up!” the familiar voice providing the gravitational pull to bring her back to earth. The details of the stratosphere were now in distant view. 

“Max,” she said completely unbothered as if she wasn’t just thinking about him. He’d never know.

“I missed you at the meeting this morning,” he confessed, as he tried to keep up with her pace, his voice still reeking with that familiar charm she had come to equally hate and love. 

“I was in attendance. How could you miss me?” she responded dryly.

It’s true. He couldn’t. He remembered fixating on her sauntering gait when she entered the meeting. He couldn't forget the way her blouse cut low enough so he could see just a bit of her cleavage, her burgundy lipstick providing a distinct contrast to the glow of her caramel skin and her nail polish matching the color of her shoes. Somehow, he always paid attention to the smallest details when it came to Helen Sharpe. He reminisced on the scent of her Chloe perfume hitting his olfactory cortex, causing his brain to send a message to his heart to speed up a little because the love of his life was in the room.

He was so gone.

“Yea but you left so suddenly. Everything okay?” His voice was low and soft-a familiar tenderness that she had been losing intimacy with. 

“Yea it’s fine,” she dismissed, trying to waive off his concern. 

He was literally giving her what she missed and she was pretending that she didn’t need it. She thought he’d leave it alone but he kept pushing. Why was she even buying her counterfeit thought that she didn't know the authentic version of Max Goodwin?

“No, it’s not,” he affirmed. He leaned into her ear, his hot breath catching her completely by surprise, causing a piloerection of the hairs on the back of her neck. He whispered, “I know you, remember?” with such confidence that she dare not challenge him. 

He _did_ know her. She was well aware of that. But was he caught up with the person that she was becoming? Were they still growing and leaving enough space to accommodate each other? A part of her wasn’t sure she could fit seamlessly into his life like she did before. And she wasn’t so sure how he could fit in hers if they couldn’t be more than just friends. They couldn’t keep doing this if he was seeing someone else. He shouldn’t keep looking at her as if she personally hung the sun and moon in the sky. He shouldn’t continue speaking to her like that, in hushed tones, as if their exchanges were always filled with secrets no one else should know. He shouldn't subconsciously brush shoulders with hers in an attempt to feel her warmth against his cold skin. He shouldn’t keep doing that to her-stringing her along- if he knew that he wouldn’t give her what she wanted, him. In her mind, he was still with Alice.

She ignored him and continued walking. When he realized he wasn’t getting through to her, he sped up and stood in front of her, bringing her to complete stop. Their eyes were dancing back and forth and he could see something unrecognizable in them. Still, he knew something was definitely wrong. Bloom already told him about Brooke Bailey. That’s why he sought her out to make sure she was okay. He knew how attached she was to that patient. He knew the lengths she went to, to get her into the new trial. He knew it had to have hurt her in immeasurable ways and no one but him would be able to understand. He was often her sounding board when her frustrations about Brooke’s case overwhelmed her.

“Since you won’t tell me I guess I should just come out and say it. I heard about her. I’m sorry.” He was sincere and she knew that but her reaction shocked him.

“It’s fine. There’s nothing I could’ve done to save her,” she said as a matter of fact, with no sorrow interwoven in the fabric of her words. Just acceptance. Complete surrender to the unexpected. The surprises. The bad ones she’d rather she didn’t have to deal with. 

“What? I’ve never heard you speak like that before." 

“Max, I can’t save everyone. I can’t be there for everyone. I’m only one person.”

He furrowed his brows in confusion. This was not the Helen he knew for almost two years. He thought she was accepting defeat. It wasn’t that at all. She was accepting her humanity, her limitations, her need to constantly do too much or be too much. She needed to know how to just let things be and trust that she’d be okay if she lost anything….if she lost anyone. 

“Helen, but you could still try. You’re never wrong for trying. Where did this even come from? This is not you. You fight. You show up for your patients even when you’re busy. You don’t give up. You’re one the most dependable persons I know.”

His voice was tender and he reached for her hand and said, “You fought for me. I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t fight for me.” He couldn’t even contain the emotion that overwhelmed him smack dab in the middle of the corridor as those words escaped his lips.

Her determination saved him. He knew that. Had she lost hope, he wouldn’t even be around to father Luna. The thought that he could’ve made his child an orphan sometimes kept him awake at night. The sacrifices Helen made for him were never forgotten. He knew that he could do better;that he could show up more and seize more opportunities to be her safety net. But he was so damn preoccupied with his grief and then preoccupied with Alice, that he took her for granted. He’d see her as the person he needed more than the person he wanted. His desire was often trapped in the security that he thought she’d always be there. He wouldn’t have to do anything to keep her because she’d stay.

Pulling away as he tried to grab her hand a little tighter, she defended, “I did. But sometimes I fight when I should surrender. I stay when I should leave. I bend when I should stand tall. And I put myself last when I should be first. In some instances, it makes me a great doctor but on the other hand, it makes me a completely burnt out physician.”

It wasn’t just that she was tired of being the doctor who was always running from one thing to the next. She was tired of being Max’s all of the above; being the one who conveniently fit into the space he carved out for her in his life. She moved around like a pawn on his chess board but was never good enough to be his queen. Cassian made her realize, though he didn’t know it, that in many ways, she needed to let go. She had been avoiding change when life was asking her to just surrender. Brooke Bailey didn’t even know that her death, an unexpected surprise, sparked a fire within her, igniting the courage she needed to find herself without Max Goodwin’s interference. She needed to be her own person-the Helen Sharpe she wanted and needed to be, just for herself. She needed her own version of happiness; one that didn’t revolve around him seeing her for more than she knew she was worth.

He knew she was slipping through his fingers. They were transitioning. Defining their relationship without cancer, with less grief, with boundaries but still without directly addressing the elephant in the room. This Monday, marked a new beginning for her and Cassian Shin but in many ways, an untimely ending to the love story of her and Max Goodwin. The ground beneath them was shifting and they were finding a new place to belong. Helen could manage. Max, not so much. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may be wondering why Max hasn’t told Helen yet that he and Alice are no longer a thing. I don’t think he should because I don’t want them together because he’s simply available. He still isn’t ready. Anything worth having is worth waiting for, even when it hurts to wait. Max needs to wait until he’s ready. But that doesn’t mean that Helen should put her life on pause for him. Thanks for reading ☺️


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The struggle has been real trying to get my mind back into this story. I literally endured months of nothingness to finally be able to do this just for you. I hope you enjoy it.

There is a way Max’s mind works. If anyone could see inside his brain they would find that it hardly compares to the average one. His amygdala, at any point, is firing at rapid speed, flooding his neuroreceptors with the adrenaline, endorphins and dopamine required to satiate his never ending need for thrill and adventure. His prefrontal cortex has millions of neuronal connections that allows him to problem solve in a way that is unlike anything anyone has ever seen. When most people would shy away from issues, he practically runs head first into them. Challenges of any kind excite him. 

Ever since he was a child, he was always trying to figure things out that most people wouldn’t even bat an eye at. His parents would give him instructions, all for his benefit, but he’d always have to ask why. If there was no good reason, then he was less likely to comply. People often say that everything that happens in a person’s life helps to shape them into who they were meant to become. Max’s childhood was living proof that he was inevitably meant to become a doctor and better yet, the Medical Director of New Amsterdam. 

His love for the hard road is what drew him to The Dam in the first place. When he heard about the yearly need for medical directors, a Cardiology department billing patients for unnecessary procedures, patients without insurance being turned away, a suboptimal Emergency Department but state of the art Oncological care, he was drawn to the Dam like a moth to a flame. One could reasonably argue that it was his hunch that he had cancer that drew him more than anything else to New Amsterdam. He’d say that it wasn’t. It was the challenge that brought him here. The idea of new beginnings and an opportunity to turn the tide in a different direction, so that no other patient would die an untimely death like his sister Luna did, was his impetus. He knew The Dam had problems and his ego wouldn’t let him rest after repeatedly convincing him that he somehow had the solutions for them. As he said before, if Chinatown was K2, then New Amsterdam was Everest. He just couldn’t resist climbing Everest. 

Chinatown was initially taxing, but after spending a few years there, he practically _maxed_ out on ideas to improve the place. The clinic was running with ease. Doctors were more meticulous and were able to diagnose illnesses within record time. Patients were now giving feedback about how empathetic and understanding the staff was. For months, before the job offer at New Amsterdam came through, he was sensing that it was time to leave. He would get up to go to work everyday, and the thrill he would typically feel as soon as his eyes were kissed by the morning sun, was gone. His heart no longer raced so much that he thought it’d beat out of his chest. His breath no longer became shallow enough for him to think he’d need supplemental oxygen. And maybe the most clear cut sign of all-he actually slept through the night after coming home from work. His broken marriage didn’t keep him awake and the clinic he was in charge of at Chinatown no longer did. He knew then that it was time to move on.

New Amsterdam was anything but easy, just as he imagined it would be. The hospital seemed to live up to everything he envisioned. The one thing he didn’t quite picture though was her and what their relationship had become. He never imagined, two and a half years ago, when he sat down for his job interview in the boardroom, that he’d be cancer free, laying on his bed, with his eyes being kissed by the morning sun, heart racing and breathing shallow, trying to figure out exactly what Helen meant when they spoke in the corridor a few days ago. He _had_ to figure it out. Their relationship was now the seemingly impossible problem firing up his amygdala and prefrontal cortex. It was now the most important thing on his agenda that he needed to solve. He had a new mountain to climb and maybe the tallest and seemingly insurmountable one yet, figuring out how to keep Helen Sharpe in his life, just the way she was. 

******

 _Focus Helen. Focus. You can do this. No. Okay that wasn’t believable._ She raised her voice a little louder, albeit in her mind and repeated, no. _Sounds better. You can say no. You can say no to Max. Max is just like everyone else. You can easily say no to Reynolds and even Bloom. Max is no different. You can say no to him. You are immune to his charm. His puppy dog eyes do nothing for you. Damn it but they do. Bloody hell. No!_ Her logic was shouting at her. _It’s simple, Helen. No!_

She sighed as she attempted to tie a bow in the neck of her blush pink shirt while looking at herself in the standing mirror. She could hardly focus on getting the bow to fall just right but she refused to let her frustrations get the better of her. She was getting so tired of losing sleep and having her mind consumed with thoughts about Max Goodwin. 

Is this what unspoken love does to a person? Makes them act completely out of character, lose sleep and have a million thoughts circulating through their mind at any given time? Maybe this is what unspoken love does to an overthinker and someone who lives their life by reason more than feeling. It throws them off when they can’t make sense of still loving someone when their logic says to walk away. Actually, their logic probably says to run but they feel stuck because for the very first time in their life, what they feel is screaming louder than what they think. So the only _logical_ thing to do is forget what they feel and do what they know they should. Well, what they think they should. For Helen that was distance and trying to separate herself from Max, as if they weren’t two heterogeneous people that had already become one homogeneous mixture. 

She was so damn sure Max was sleeping without a care in the world, while she constantly agonized over every little detail from their conversation a few days ago. She hated how much she had this instinct to just protect him. She never wanted to see him hurt and worst of all, she didn’t ever want to be the one to hurt him. She hated that there was this part of her that always felt like it was her duty to be there for him, to pick up his slack, right his wrongs and put an irrepressible smile on his face. Her greatest fear, if she were to be honest, was that he’d never allow her to be. He’d never let her walk away. 

She knew him. Whenever he felt like he was losing his grip on something he wanted, he’d grab it tighter, hold it closer and do anything to make it stay. She wanted him to do that with her. Well, her heart did anyway. Her logic kept telling her that even if he tried to make her stay in his life, it still wouldn’t mean that she’d be his, completely. He was still taken. She couldn’t own the heart of someone who already gave it away to someone else. Not just to one person, two people-Alice and Georgia. Even in this mess, he was still wearing his ring. She couldn’t entirely blame him for that, though the sight of it still made her heart ache in a way that words fail to explain. That gold plated piece of jewelry should’ve let her know that they were doomed from the very start. 

She dropped her hands to her sides in frustration watching the lopsided bow fall haphazardly on her chest. Maybe she just needed to accept defeat. Fighting for what she wanted didn’t make sense. After trying one last time, she hesitantly changed her blouse to the leopard one hanging in the corner of her closet. She thought to herself, _sometimes it’s good to set your sights on something else, Helen. You may not always get what you want but you’d always have what you need._

******

She was walking across the atrium at nine o’clock that morning, doing a balancing act with her handbag and folders, trying to speedily make her way to the elevator. Of all the things she could be today, she was late. Her tardiness wasn’t exactly her fault anyway. Her mind was still a jumbled mess of thoughts and all she could see was grey. For all the thinking she had done in the last few days, she still hadn’t exactly figured out how to change her relationship with Max. As much it seemed to be nagging her at every turn, she knew, that even if she didn’t have all the answers, their relationship just couldn’t stay the same. The noise in the atrium from the stirring of passersby still couldn’t drown out her thoughts, yet somehow, she managed to hear his distinct voice calling out to her.

“Helen, wait up.”

She couldn't wait anymore. She was tired of waiting. She heard him but she pretended she didn’t. She didn’t look around in his direction or stop walking determinedly toward the elevator. She was not in the mood for Max to ask another favor of her when she was already cutting it close to her scheduled department meeting. She knew this was the test she had been practicing for in her mirror all morning. Whatever he was going to ask, all she had to do was say no. Maybe if she didn’t stop to acknowledge him then she wouldn’t have to say no in the first place. She tried to walk a little faster-as fast as her short feet could take her. 

He was still so amazed at how easily he could spot her in the crowded atrium. New Amsterdam’s floors were always buzzing with people of every creed, ethnicity, age and social class. Yet, something always seemed to stand out about Helen. He’d admit that maybe he just had eyes for her because his gaze always helplessly looked in her direction. There were countless times, over the two years they had known each other, that he’d be in a deep and meaningful conversation with another person but catch her gaze, just as she was mindlessly walking by, and they’d exchange a knowing look. They would always involuntarily smile at each other or he would make some silly expression with his face, that would have her shaking her head while thinking how he could be such a dork. The dork she somehow still helplessly loved. 

Today, the main reason he spotted her so easily was because of the skirt she was wearing. It was his favorite- the black one that fit her form so well that he’d intentionally trail behind her when they walked through corridors so he could admire her curves. She was unaware and would often make some sarcastic comment, with flirtatious undertones, about him being unable to keep up with her. He could keep up. In his mind he always could. Helen Sharpe may be too much for another person but she would be just enough for him. He just lagged behind deliberately. 

Staring at her, he chuckled at how quickly she was walking in her heels, her toned calves contracting and relaxing with each step. It wasn’t lost on him that his ears had become attuned to the classic click clack of her shoes hitting the hospital floor. He could still hear it despite all the commotion around him. 

“I know you heard me Sharpe. Are you really going to do this? You know, embarrass your boss in front of all these people,” he shouted as he was still a few feet behind, trying to catch up to her. It was hard to believe that his six foot frame and long legs couldn’t keep up the pace with a five feet two inch tall woman. Determination is a hell of a thing and Helen was clearly resolute to stay far away from him. 

“My God. I can’t believe I love this idiot,” Helen whispered underneath her breath as she rolled her eyes in response to Max’s shenanigans. She was not in the least bit surprised that he had no shame whatsoever in making an open show of their relationship. 

Against her better judgment, she halted. So much for boundaries, distance and will power.

Catching up to her he huffed out, “I would’ve shamelessly chased you down except I was trying my best to not embarrassingly spill your cappuccino all over me. Good morning. You look-uh-” he raised his eyebrows taking in her appearance up close, “beautiful.” He had that glint in his eye and his smile was so wide that the crows feet flanking his eyes were visible.

She wasn’t sure what side of the bed he woke up on but his determination was the last thing she needed at this point. In her mind, he _really_ needed to stop this. He needed to stop acting like he wasn’t seeing someone else. He needed to stop acting like they were more than just friends when it was clear that they weren’t. He needed to stop stringing her along for a ride that was going nowhere.

She was struggling, just looking at him in that moment, completely unassuming but lovable-the definition of Max Goodwin. His soul piercing blue-green eyes were trying to unravel the precious fabric of her resolve, to spin it out to nothing but worthless threads. Coming to her senses, she contested, “It’s not Monday,” as she watched the grande cappuccino in his hands and beads of perspiration dripping from his face. Clearly it was a task for him to get it. The cafeteria often had long lines in the morning and even with his status, he had to wait his turn to avoid snarky comments from disgruntled customers. Ella often wore an apologetic smile when she just couldn’t help him on most days. 

“I am fully aware that it isn’t. But,” he said pointing his index finger a few inches from his face to emphasize his point. He had no intention of letting her get away that easily.

“I did a little thinking,” he paused as he thought about how much of a lie that was. He did _a lot_ of thinking. So much in fact that he was more in need of the cappuccino that he was graciously offering her. He only got three hours of sleep thanks to Luna, to his mind and the one whose eyes seemed to be hiding from him for the first time in years. 

Ignoring his observation, he cleared his throat before continuing, “I decided that I don’t want to appreciate you only when you do something for me. I don’t want to use coffee to apologize. I know I have maybe,” he pulled his eyes away from hers trying to come up with a number in his mind, “ninety nine more cappuccinos to pay off my debt but I’d willingly buy you one hundred more even _after_ I clear my debt.”

His voice softened as he stared at her more intently, almost beckoning her to break. She knew they were venturing into that familiar territory again. Her body stiffened a little and what was grey before was now orange. Nothing was clear in black and white. He was making it impossible for her to think about him and their relationship rationally, without getting her feelings caught in it. She was desperate to mask her disbelief that this version of him existed-the one who wanted to give more than he was taking from her. It was clear that her random outburst in the corridor affected him more than he let on days ago. 

When he got no response, he persisted. “I want to take care of you just because it’s Wednesday. I’m not apologizing for anything. I’m just saying that I thought of you. Honestly Sharpe, you look like you need it,” he joked, in an attempt to lighten the mood. 

“You literally just told me I looked- _uh_ \- beautiful. Emphasis on the _uh_ ,” Helen bit back sarcastically, watching him with disgust. The one thing Max knew how to do well was ruin the mood. He could be good with words but when he seemed to find his stride, he’d often say something that would have her wishing he could never speak again. 

“I said that? I really said that? Beautiful…. with….tired…. eyes,” he stuttered out, squinting at her with the dumbest grin on his face. The hole he was digging with his words was only becoming deeper. 

He was trying so hard to make her smile and it was taking everything in her to stay serious. This was so typical of Max though. He’d play it safe but the moment he felt like something was slipping away from him, he’d start doing the things you’d least expect. You’d complain over and over and he’d barely hear you, or at least make you think that he didn’t. When you’re serious and he realizes it, he’d get scared and try to overcompensate. 

She just couldn’t believe this cappuccino was a ‘just because I thought of you’ gift. It was more of a ‘I’m too scared to lose you so I’m trying to make you stay in my life.’ But what version of her did he want anyway? Did he want the Helen he could share secrets with but never a bed? Did he want the Helen who would answer his late night phone calls and texts but never be the last person he’d speak to?

"Here, just take it." He extended his hand toward her waiting for her to relieve him of it.

As she stood in front of him, playing out different scenarios in her mind for a few seconds, she averted her gaze from him to maintain her resolve and that’s when she saw it. She sucked in a deep breath as his gold wedding band was almost glaring at her as he hugged the cup of coffee. Suddenly, it just spilled out of her mouth and she was so sure her eyes popped open when she heard it. 

“No,” just as she had rehearsed earlier-affirmative and unquestionable. She went on to explain, “I’m going to be late. I have a meeting in fifteen minutes. I have to go.” Before turning on her heels, she saw his smile quickly fade and unknowingly, he took a step back from her. She walked away, leaving him with the cappuccino in his hands, trying to throw their interaction to the back of her mind as she suddenly found the clarity she needed.

Orange turned to grey and then everything became black and white. 

He was despondent. His face fell realizing that it just wasn’t enough. A cappuccino wasn’t suddenly going to make Helen continue to deny herself and consistently chose him. That wasn’t what he really wanted her to do anyway. He just wanted her to stay and not slip away from him. There was a pit in his stomach because something about the way she was acting was so cold and uninviting. Lifting his eyes to focus on something, anything in the atrium, his mind flashed back to the Helen he met there two years ago. The one who could dance circles around him and had clear cut boundaries between them. Back then there was Helen Sharpe and Max Goodwin. Not HelenMaxSharpeGoodwin-the version of them that existed now. Though intrigued by her sass and no nonsense attitude years ago, that was not the version of her he loved. He loved the one he knew before the last few days happened. He loved the one who was so wide open and vulnerable with him that he didn’t need to beg and plead with anymore. He loved the one who would laugh so hard at his jokes that he’d think he was the funniest person in the world. He loved the one whose eyes wouldn’t seem hollow but he could get lost in them, seeing the most intimate parts of her soul. 

She was pulling away from him. One “no” spoke more loudly to him that anything else she said in the corridor days before. She was pulling away. A three dollar cup of coffee wasn’t going to fix the fact that she still needed to create boundaries between them. It just wasn’t the move he needed to make that would redefine their entire relationship forever. He could reasonably give up but even if he didn’t quite know this version of Helen, he wanted to keep loving her all the same. He climbed K2 before and Everest seemed to be no match for him. He was hell bent on conquering Helen Sharpe. 

As the elevator doors closed and she locked eyes with him, it was becoming so clear to her. She noticed over the past couple of days that when she struggles to remember what she wants and needs, she reminds herself that regardless of what Max says or does, he’s unavailable to her-physically, mentally and most of all, emotionally. If nothing else convinces her to put some space between them, looking down at his wedding ring every time they interact does. She couldn’t keep tirelessly drawing a line in the sand anymore that a Max like wave of overconcern and softness rushes in on the shore to erase, when he feels like she’s becoming distant from him. She needed a permanent fixture. Something to stand between them so that when he starts wanting, like water, to occupy any space she has made available to him, he’d be met with a barrier. And she knew that she couldn’t create that barrier herself so maybe life was going to give her one. Muttering under her breath, she reminded herself, "Even if I don't get what I want, I’d always have what I need. Max is I who I want but maybe he's not who I need."

******

He sat at his desk, twiddling his ring between his fingers, as he stole glances of the empty paper cup in the bin next to him. The cappuccino didn’t have enough caffeine to alleviate the fatigue he was feeling. He needed a double shot of espresso. The mere thought of standing in line again for fifteen minutes, although it was somewhere around 10 a.m., made his fatigue worse. At first he thought it was just physical tiredness but as his mind slowed down, he realized he was just as mentally tired. If he were honest, maybe there was some emotional weariness burdening him too. 

He heard a knock on his door and looked up to find the last person he wanted to see. 

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve paged you today Max,” the elderly lady chastised, as she used her power chair to reverse and close the door behind her.

He only shot her a strained smile.

Taking him in, she continued, “What has you so down in the dumps? Usually, you would have been the one seeking me out. It’s 10 a.m. and you like you’ve already been through a full day's work.”

“Yea, I’m just a little tired today,” he responded wearily. 

“You don’t look like it. Your arms are still chiseled in those drab blue scrubs. You actually gelled your hair this morning and-” inching closer to him with her chair she sniffed, “you actually have on cologne.” She pulled back from him, surprised by all his effort into his appearance. His assistant, Adele, could never miss a thing. That’s why he hired her in the first place. 

She gave him a dazed look of bewilderment as she questioned, “who were you trying to impress, boss?”

“What?” he responded, as he was drawn back into present space and time. His mind was far. 

Adele was on to him. She was never going to let up until he answered her question. It’s the reason he hired her, although he knew she was a temporary solution to his problem in the first place. They were alike. She was tenacious and he could never get enough of her wisdom and warmth, though she could quickly give him a swift kick in the rear when he needed it. 

“Max, I may be old but I’m not blind. Thank heavens! You put effort into your appearance for a reason. Was it for that woman? What’s her name again? You know, the one with the baby.”

She kept looking at him waiting for him to reveal her name and end the misery of her fading memory embarrassing her, but he refused.

“Damn it, it’s Alice,” she affirmed, as the name suddenly came to her after a minute.

“No, not Alice. I broke things off with her.”

“Well, at least you’ve done one smart thing in the last month,” she murmured.

Max caught on instantly and he couldn’t even help but smile. The elderly always have a way of speaking the ugly truth. Maybe it’s because they’re way past the age of tolerating nonsense or not saying what needs to be said at any moment. Maybe it’s because they’re so aware that their days are numbered that they leave everything wide open because one day they’ll never be able to say anything again.

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”

“Oh no, I’m not sorry for what I said. You may want to fire me after I say this but I’m going to say it anyway. You two had nothing good going on there except subpar sex I’m sure. She wasn’t it for you Max.” She said it so nonchalantly as if her words weren’t something inappropriate for an employee to say to their boss. His eyes flew open because he could hardly believe Adele decidedly brought up his sex life. 

“You saw us together once and you were able to draw that conclusion?” 

“Precisely. You may have forgotten but I’ve been on this earth for seventy five years. I’ve been in love more than once. I’ve also had great sex more times than the number of bones in your body.”

She saw him trying to remember how many bones there were and she just blurted out, “Two hundred and six Max. Two hundred and six.” She chuckled and he shook his head in disbelief at her humor. But she wasn’t joking about that. 

"I actually have two hundred and five. I had one of my metacarpals removed when I was a child."

"You're lying. I've had more mind blowing sex than I'm sure you've had in your lifetime. I still have one up on you," she winked. 

“Anyway, back to my point. Love doesn’t just feel a certain way. It looks a certain way too. It doesn’t look withdrawn. That’s exactly the word to describe the way you two were around each other.”

“Wow,” was all he managed to huff out. Adele was sparing him no details. He didn't even realize how painful it looked to others when he was with Alice. He knew they weren't perfect but in his mind they had something good going on. 

“I’m going to tell you something although you didn’t ask for my advice. No woman will compete with that,” she said gesturing to his ring that he still was fiddling with, sliding it up and down his finger.

“I imagine you didn’t manage to attempt to knock boots with another widow. Whoever she is, she’s not going there with you unless you take that off. You can’t try to build a life with someone else, when there’s a constant reminder of the life you had, dangling in front of that person’s face. She’s going to want you, _all_ of you. Whoever she is, that’s what she deserves. If you can’t give her that then maybe you should leave her alone until you can.”

 _Wait._ His mind started drifting back to the atrium an hour ago and he saw it. He saw her face, the way the smile was beginning to form at the corner of her lips and at one point her eyes were definitely opening back up to him. Then he saw it, the way her eyes fell from his and by the time she looked up at him again, she just said no. He remembered holding an envelope in his right hand so the only reasonable thing was to hold the cappuccino in his left. That’s why Helen blew him off. She focused on his ring.

As realization dawned on him, he put his head in his hands, almost needing support to bear the weight of the unnerving reality he was facing. Somewhere in his mind Alice was the problem and he dealt with it. Helen still didn’t know about his breakup but he thought that was a minor detail that he’d get to eventually or maybe she’d just figure it out on her own. But Georgia was clearly the bigger issue and the one that maybe caused her to walk away from him in her office when they almost kissed and today, when she refused his advances.

He was more messed up than he thought.

“Before your meeting in the neurosurgery wing I think I’m going to get you that double shot of espresso. I’d get you some hard liquor but you know, there are rules and I’m already on thin ice with my boss,” Adele joked, winking at him. 

When she reached the door, she spun the chair around to say one last word to him. 

“I told you to leave her alone until you can give what she needs but I’d have you know, women like her don’t wait around forever. Someone always sets their sights on them and then they’re gone. Lost love is the worst feeling in the world. And yes, I’ve also been there. Seventy five years is a long time.”

She opened the door and left him alone with his thoughts. He had a lot to figure out and soon. Max didn’t even realize how much of a mess he was in until that moment. He knew he wasn’t ready to take off his wedding ring. He could admit that much to himself. Although he no longer hallucinated Georgia and had painstakingly gotten rid of most of her things in their apartment, save for the things he wanted to pass down to Luna, he was still stubborn about the ring. That’d be the last thing to let go of. 

He was still learning how unpredictable and weird grief is. At first you resist it with all your might because you refuse to accept the reality that someone you loved isn’t there anymore. They can’t touch you, hold you, affirm you and even irritate you. But when you finally let it in, it consumes you and you find yourself clinging to it because admitting that it doesn’t hurt so badly anymore would mean that the person never mattered to you as much as you thought they did. It’s almost as if you feel you are betraying your dead spouse by doing what any reasonable person would need to do eventually-move on. Time doesn’t stand still when a person dies. The seconds keep passing and if you continue to lag behind, you’d find yourself living in a time that happened years ago as the world kept turning. 

What he felt for Helen wasn’t some figment of his imagination. It was real and it was always there. But there was this unshakable loyalty he thought he needed to have for Georgia, even in death, to make him feel like he hadn’t betrayed her when he refused to slow down and take the job at New Amsterdam. Or maybe he wanted to repay her for somehow, against his better judgment, developing romantic feelings for Helen that wanted to now blow the lid off the cover of the jar he was trying to keep it in for the last year. 

He survived losing Georgia but he couldn’t lose Helen. He could never grieve someone who was alive and who he’d never be able to avoid. He knew he’d never be able to watch her move on and be with someone else though she had to watch him be unavailable from the very start. He was aware that he had to do something about his ring but for right now, he thought he’d do something less difficult. He’d accidentally but on purpose, tell Helen that Alice was no longer in the picture and explain that he was getting there but he needed her to just give him a little more time. He was going to say it in a technical way without explicitly telling her that he loved her. She’d never want to believe him if she saw his ring still weighing him down. For right now, all he needed from her was a little more time. 

******

Her day was dragging and thankfully so. It was providing a much needed respite from the fast paced ones she had been having lately. She managed to make it to her meeting on time with a few minutes to spare to throw her mind off of Max. She sat at her desk, taking in five deep breaths to reset her focus. 

_One. Max. Two. He’s never going to give this up. Three. Focus on your breath Helen. Four. Inhale. Exhale. Five. It’s all good._

She had work to do and senseless trivialities, like what her heart wanted, didn’t need to occupy her mind any longer. She needed to regain her control and plunging headfirst into patient care was just the way to do it. Helen was never more herself than when she was in full Dr. Helen Sharpe, Department Chair of Hematology/Oncology mode. It was her niche. She wasn’t good at everything and quite frankly, she didn’t care to be. However, no one could ever say that she didn’t know how to manage her patients. Her field of choice was not for the faint of heart. It had to take someone with a certain tenacity, resilience, empathy but practicality to be able to practice Oncology. In the beginning she questioned her choice often but every day since her eureka moment a few years ago, she was sure this was where she needed to be. 

It was now eleven o’clock and after viewing her jam packed afternoon schedule, she decided to take an early lunch. Typically, she’d get so caught up in her work or something Max Goodwin related that food would be an afterthought. Somewhere in the back of her mind, Cassian’s words kept buzzing. She knew she needed to take care of herself to be the doctor her patients needed. She smiled as she thought of his absolutely stupid grin. The once bitter taste she had on her tongue when she met him the very first time, was now being replaced with something more palatable- the sweetness of tolerance. What was she even doing thinking about him anyway? 

******

She was standing in the line, shifting from one foot to the next as her Manolo Blahnik pumps started hurting her feet. If only she didn’t try to practically run away from Max this morning, then she wouldn’t be in this predicament of having sore feet. She was really becoming less and less able to keep up with wearing four inch heels to work everyday but there was literally nothing else in her closet but heels. She couldn’t find the flats she wore that day she visited the E.D. 

“You look a little uncomfortable there,” a voice whispered behind her. He was so close to her that she could feel his hot breath against her ear. So much for personal space. 

“Actually, I’m not. I’m fine, thank you,” she defended, although her pain receptors were telling her otherwise. She moved a little further in the line to create some distance between them. 

“Right. You’ve been shifting from one foot to the next for the past minute. I can’t see your face but I’m one hundred percent sure that you just rolled your eyes at me because I told you the truth.”

_How does he see straight through me? This is absurd. Focus Helen. One. Inhale. Exhale. Two._

“Well I can’t imagine how you actually saw that since you were standing so close to me,” she hissed as she spun around to glare at him, signaling that he needed to back off. She was not in the mood.

“I’d have a bottle of sparkling water please, thanks,” she said to the cashier as she pulled out her purse to pay for her food.

“That’d be $20.99 for everything.”

Inching closer to her, he interrupted, handing a fifty dollar bill over to the cashier, “I’m paying for her things and mine.”

Helen turned to look at him confused by the entire exchange. With the exception of receiving gifts from loved ones, she never accepted anything from a stranger. It just wasn’t her style. She was rich enough to pay for whatever she wanted herself. She never asked for favors or handouts. In her mind, people could do things for you just because but then there were others who would have expectations. 

“He’s not Celine. Here,” she dismissed, as she reached her hand over Cassian’s to pay for her items herself. Celine kept dancing her eyes between them, unsure of whose money she should take. She didn’t want to be caught in the middle of whatever they had going on.

“Celine, you look like a nice lady. Could you help me out? I’m just trying to pay for this lovely woman’s lunch with no strings attached and she won’t let me.”

Helen started becoming flushed with embarrassment, hearing the comments from her colleagues behind them, who were becoming more dissatisfied that they were holding up the line. Throwing her hands up in surrender, she sighed before saying, “You know what? Fine, you can pay for the food Dr. Shin.”

“Cassian. It’s Cassian,” he corrected.

She looked at him intently. She wasn’t exactly sure what was happening between them but maybe she just needed to roll with it and get out of her head for a change. A soft smile began forming at the corner of her lips and guardedly she replied, “Dr. Shin, you can pay for the food.”

“With pleasure.”

Her intention was to take her food and hide in the security of her office to fill her stomach. Somehow, she ended up sitting at a table and Cassian invited himself to join her. Before she could pull out her chair, he did it for her, extending his hand as a cue for her to sit. 

“You know I am quite capable of pulling out my own chair,” she stated, as she unwillingly sat, indicating her acceptance of yet another chivalrous act of his. This was becoming too much.

“I’m sure you can but if I want to do something for you it’s not because I’m trying to highlight any disability of yours. I do it because I want to. I’m a pretty intentional person.”

“Oh, so you were intentionally late on your first day of work after you left me standing waiting on you for a half hour?” she sneered. 

“Twenty one minutes and fifty six seconds,” he responded, correcting her as he took a bite of his Caesar salad while still focusing on her face.

“What?”

“You said I left you waiting for a half hour. That wasn’t true. I was only twenty one minutes and fifty six seconds late to our meeting.”

_Who the hell is this guy anyway? Only twenty one minutes and fifty six seconds late. He was late and tardiness is unattractive. And why is he even looking at me like that?_

He was barely looking down at his salad, keeping his glued on her, almost as if he was trying to read every micro expression on her face. She couldn’t even let her face spill any of the thoughts racing through her mind.

“I’m actually surprised that you could tell time. You know, considering.” Her face was serious but on the inside she was laughing at her comeback. She took a bite of her BLT while she waited for some snappy remark from him.

“I’d give you that one.”

“Wow. No snappy comeback? I expected better from you.”

“I know how to pick my battles, Helen. It’s okay to lose sometimes. And for the record, I’m a lot of things but predictable isn’t one of them.”

She raised her eyebrows, surprised at his admission. It intrigued her. “I guess I’d find that out.”

“How? Do you intend to stick around?”

The question was left hanging in the air around them. She knew what he was asking but she didn’t even know how to answer it. She genuinely had no expectations but her mouth was just saying things that her mind had no time to process and make sense of.

“I’ve _been_ around," she responded emphatically. "I’ve been working here for the last five years.” _Whew_. She managed to save face. 

She turned the question back on him, “do _you_ intend to stick around?

“It depends. If I find a reason to stay then I will.”

An awkward silence filled the space in the air around them and they just kept looking at each other as something passed between them. Intrigue? Desire? Whatever it was, it was new for her and she suddenly found herself looking in the last place she thought her eyes would take her. She was staring at Cassian Shin with questions she was too scared to ask and answers her heart was not ready for. 

She looked down at the time and realized that her afternoon appointments were just around the corner and her office was all the way on the other side of the hospital. She needed to leave. She wrapped up the other half of her sandwich and prepared to excuse herself, leaving that thing between them dangling in the air.

“I have a lot of appointments this evening and I cannot be late,” she smiled.

He caught on to her joke. She was really never going to let it rest. 

“That’s fine. I have to pass in the E.D. anyway to check on one of my trauma patients. I need to review their scans.”

“This was nice, by the way,” she blurted out and immediately she wanted to kick herself for being so obvious. It _really_ was nice to interact with Cassian like this. It was gratifying to think of anyone other than….

Max.

He was standing a few feet away from them watching the entire exchange. He saw the way she was tilting her head, the way she was smiling and he knew that something was going on. He only left her three hours ago. What could possibly happen in three hours? As far as he could tell, a lot did and now he wasn’t so sure that she’d wait. Maybe all of it was in his mind and she was simply being polite. Helen was often very courteous to others and she seldom blew people off. He was convinced he was overreacting until he heard….

“Oh and thanks for coffee this morning. And lunch too. But I’m never allowing you to pay the next time,” she said as her voice trailed off.

“Oh, there’d be a next time?” he questioned.

“Nope. Never. First and last,” she smiled at him, watching him up and down to make her stance clear. 

“By the way, let’s just do dinner and then you can leave me be. I would've successfully fed you a day's worth of food.”

“No Dr. Shin. It’s never happening. Goodbye,” she rebutted. 

She didn’t see him looking at them. She was too caught up in whatever Cassian was saying and trying to make it to her appointment on time. 

For the first time he hit a brick wall as soon as he was about to rush in like a wave. Maybe the ring wasn’t the issue at all. She was seeing someone else. He pushed his ring further down on his finger as he walked away. He wasn’t sure he needed to conquer the mountain of Helen Sharpe anymore. Someone was already beating him to it. He had a head start but now he was just falling behind. 

If he could sleep through the night and wake up tomorrow morning with his heart beating normally and breaths even, then maybe like with Chinatown, it would be a sure sign that it's time to move on. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter accomplished exactly what I wanted it to-make you feel frustrated and think this is going nowhere. But it is. I hope you enjoy this chapter because it made me laugh so damn much. It’s a much needed recourse from the last one.

Mountaineers would tell you that there are those moments during the ascent, where they second guess their ability to climb. They could've had years of practice and achieved some of their greatest feats, but there’d be this one point when they’re hanging from the edge, having come too far to descend, but still being far away from the summit, that they consider just staying where they are and going no further. 

He was there. After what he saw a few days ago and all the distance between them over the last few days, he was there. Just hanging on or barely doing so. And still, the one person he wanted, _yes_ wanted and undoubtedly needed was her.

Lying in his bed, his dilated pupils fixating on the darkness around him, he realized that one random cup of cappuccino would never be enough. He was actually dumb to think that it could ever be. She was worth so much more than three measly dollars and some sweat. He’d have to work harder for her to see that it’s not all in her head, he wants her. When he saw her practically flirting with Cassian and giving him a smile that he thought had only been reserved for him, he suddenly felt like he was falling down a slippery slope.

Before, he could hardly imagine days where he didn’t spend the majority of it in her company. He’d often make up some excuse to drop by her office unannounced and put his feet up on her coffee table as if he owned the place. He was starting to miss their banter and the way she’d hit him with quick comebacks as though she had been planning on saying it all along. Above all that, the one thing he missed the most were those rare moments where she’d actually open up to him. It had been so long since she did and he was beginning to think that there was a reason for all of it. 

He had become used to it-Helen being there at every turn. He didn’t have to seek her out. He’d have an issue and somehow she’d be the one to show up. A year and a half ago, when he was standing near the window, playing with the shrapnel from the bullet, she walked into his office. He had been begging her for a really long time to open up to him and for the first time, she did. Watching him with a bruised face, she was willing to show him her bruises too. She wanted a child and nothing about it was as easy as she thought it would be. 

Listening to her, he had the overwhelming feeling to just envelope her but he wasn’t entirely sure he should cross the line. She did. She crossed it and wrapped her tiny arms around him and he reciprocated. To this day, at the most random moments, his mind still drifts back to that time when they had the most contact they ever did. It was the beginning of that stubborn feeling that there was something much more than a doctor/patient relationship or even friendship between them, that he couldn’t act on as much as he may have wanted to. 

When Virginia told him that chemotherapy and radiation were ravishing his body and his counts were circling the drain, she showed up on the rooftop without him ever having to ask. When he needed a feeding tube and he was scared, masking his fear over never being able to swallow food again, she showed up and held his hand. 

Most of all, when Georgia died and he was in the hospital for twelve hours afterwards in a haze of grey and grief, she was there. He wanted so desperately to push her away but she refused to leave him. She sat beside him in the chapel, their shoulders touching and the deafening silence between them drowning out in his inner turmoil, for four uninterrupted hours. She never said a thing.

She was always making it known to him how loyal she was to their friendship or whatever name fits what they had going on. She would constantly be the wind in his sails, steering him in the right direction. She would constantly talk him down, off the proverbial ledge, when he felt like he was on the brink of losing all hope. One thing was always so certain to him, Helen would be there.

With a million thoughts keeping him awake, he suddenly found to be true what he wished he could deny-their relationship had always been one sided. He was taking more than he was giving and maybe a part of the distance was her being tired of doing too much. She told him before, but he was only now accepting that it wasn’t just about the patients. She was tired of him and what they had become.

******

It was 5 a.m. and he honestly hadn’t slept. So much for thinking a few days ago that he’d be able to. Whatever lies he conceived in his mind about being able to let her go, his heart was never going to allow it. The stubborn feeling was still there and it was becoming so obvious to him that although he lived through seeing her with Panthaki, he was never going to just fall back and watch her be with Cassian Shin. He suffered through a lot of loss in his lifetime but he knew he’d never be able to live with himself if he lost the very best thing that had ever happened to him, that he didn’t even work for. Sometimes you may not have to work to get things but you’d have to work to keep them. Helen Sharpe was fitting in that category. 

Right on cue, Luna started wailing, signaling to him that she was ready to start her day. She had become his free alarm clock that he didn’t even require lately. He swung his feet to the side of the bed, allowing it to hit the warm rug. He took a deep breath, just thinking about the day ahead of him. He didn’t know what to expect and he didn’t even know what he’d do about his relationship with Helen but by God, he had to do something, today. Not tomorrow, not next week or even when his ring was off his finger. _Damn it. The ring is still on my finger._ He _had_ to do something today. He could try to think long and hard about it but he resigned. If fate could have them cross paths with each other, then he would leave it to whatever deity, the universe or force that exists, to show him how to reel her back in and not distance herself from him anymore.

He passed his hands on his face and scooped up a heavier and taller Luna from her crib. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, but he could’ve sworn she was so much smaller yesterday. While he thought the days were moving by so slowly, it was clear that Luna seemed to be living in a time and space where she was just advancing. Sometimes he felt guilty that he was missing what was right in front of him. Holding on to her, he remembered that her birthday was coming soon but he didn’t even want to fall down that precipice of unwanted thoughts. He needed to zero in on Helen for the moment.

_Just one thing at a time, Max. I know you like to multitask but today, you need to accomplish this one thing. Helen Sharpe._

After going through their morning routine, he placed Luna on the bed as he made quick work of getting her dressed for the day ahead. He was way past the stage of talking to Luna in baby talk. He read when he was new to single parenting, that it was better for her brain development if he spoke to her using typical English words, to try to wire her brain for conversation in the years ahead. He decided to just tell her what he had been thinking about.

Passing the tiny tee over her head, he said, “Lu, daddy has been a real idiot lately. You know how I could be sometimes.”

Luna started giggling the moment she heard him and he was so sure that she was understanding exactly what he was saying.

“Anyway, so you know I broke up with Alice. Sorry you don’t have playdates with your friend Bobbi anymore.”

The moment she heard Bobbi’s name she started fussing. He made a mental note to never get romantically involved with another parent again because he was causing his child to attach herself to friends that she’d have to do without. 

She was still fussy until he said convincingly, “I did that because daddy _really_ likes Helen.”

He knew Luna had to take up acting when she immediately went from crying to babbling “da da” and smiling, the moment he mentioned Helen’s name. He wasn’t sure if Luna could even recall having her first smile with Helen but he loved her response to just hearing Helen’s name.

_Wow. Even my child likes her._

Max continued, “You like Helen a lot, don’t you?”

Luna started fussing again, reaching for her teething ring, and Max was suddenly confused. Maybe he was just reading too much into what Luna was doing. She was just a baby but he couldn’t give up on the idea so he tried one last thing.

“So if you don’t like her, am I to assume that it’s because you _love_ Helen?”

He was holding his breath for a second, almost scared to witness Luna’s reaction to his question. Luna squealed with delight and he threw his head back in laughter, finally releasing his breath. He could hardly believe her response. Maybe Luna was giving him all the confirmation he needed that he still had to pursue Helen and stop being lazy when it comes to love.

He was mesmerized looking at the miniature version of his and Georgia’s love, as she kept biting her teething ring. She was so open to accommodate the love of another woman. It was doing something to him. On the inside, the anchor his gold wedding had cast, almost trying to keep him from completely moving forward, was lifting, albeit only a couple of feet. For now, he’d accept it.

Having Luna was one of the rare but beautiful highlights of his life. He stood her up on the bed, and pulled up her pants before scooping her up and kissing her forehead three times as he whispered, “Daddy loves you.” She snuggled her face in his neck and that’s when he knew, today was going to be a _very_ good day.

******

They were walking through the corridors on their way to their monthly Department Chair meeting. Helen missed so many of them in times past but ever since she became deputy medical director, Max insisted on her showing up. After losing her titles, he didn’t have to ask her anymore. She was there and sometimes she was seated in the empty auditorium, minutes before anyone else arrived. He didn’t have a reason to trail behind her today because she wasn’t wearing his favorite skirt. Even if she was, he needed to focus. He was actually trying to make it there early because he managed to forget to email Sandra his slides for the meeting. This is what he got for spending hours on end thinking about Helen Sharpe and not focusing on his day job. 

He mindlessly began walking ahead of Helen at bullet speed and only when he turned his head to the side, to remind her of their meeting to go over the department budgets, he realized she wasn’t beside him anymore. He turned around almost frantic trying to find her, to see her walking slowly and grimacing every so often. The moment she caught his eye, she smiled, erasing any trace of the pain she was obviously in. It was too late anyway. Max already knew something was wrong.

He walked back to meet her, pausing directly in front of her as he questioned, “You okay?”

“I’m fine. I’m smiling, can’t you see that?” she snapped. 

“I can see that but you weren’t smiling when I turned around to see you trailing behind me.”

She rolled her eyes as she shook her head. _How did he even catch that?_ She really thought she could successfully hide from him.

He looked down to find her wiggling her toes and that’s when he caught on. 

“Your feet hurt, don’t they?” he inquired, his voice low and concerned. 

“Maybe,” she murmured.

“Why do you do that?”

“What?”

“Pretend you’re not hurt when you are.”

His tone wasn’t accusatory but suddenly she felt like she was standing butt naked in front of Max and she wasn’t sure if to cower in fear and hide or just continue to let him see what he already did. In the middle of the corridor, he was calling her out and she suddenly felt so small standing in front of him. Only the people close to you could see the things you try to hide. She was slowly realizing that Max was closer to her than she wanted to admit. 

“Well I’m not pretending Max. My feet hurt. _It_ hurts,” she shouted at him, as her chest started heaving up and down. She was grappling to withhold her tears because the last thing she needed was to break down in the middle of the corridor on a Wednesday morning and have to explain to Max why her sore feet were causing her so much pain. She wasn’t even sure if she was talking about her feet or the fact that she expected him to do so much more by now and he hadn’t. Maybe she was at that point where she was unwillingly starting to own the fact that Max really didn’t love her and everything was all in her head. She was just frustrated.

In an attempt to dissipate the tension, as he kept looking at her, dancing his eyes back and forth, searching for some sign to tell him that her outburst wasn’t just about her feet, she saved face by saying, “It pays to be beautiful.” A strained smile began forming at the corner of her lips and he breathed a little. _Maybe it’s really just about her feet._

“Nice shoes don’t make you beautiful Helen. You already are.”

It wasn’t the way he said it to her in the atrium days before. He wasn’t joking around or even trying too hard to be charming. He was sincere and she could see that and she was suddenly at a loss for words.

“Do you want me to carry you?” _  
_

_Thank God he broke the awkwardness first._

“What?” 

Her eyes shot open in horror because she wasn’t sure if he was about to scoop her up by the feet and run toward the meeting-that they were definitely going to be late for-but there was no way she was going to allow that. Max was crazy enough to do it and suddenly she was scared that he would. She backed away from him a little. Max was laughing at her in his mind because of how dramatic she was being about the whole thing. He had no intention of picking her up, though he easily could. 

“I asked you if you wanted me to carry you.”

He wasn’t going to let it rest. He was backing her into a corner with his words and she was feeling like he was shining a light in one of her darkest places-her lack of dependency in relationships. It was an issue she had for a very long time. Growing up as an only child, she was used to isolation and figuring things out on her own. When she became more sociable, she was always the strong friend, the shoulder to lean on, the one to lend money and the one to organize everything. One of the words everyone would easily use to describe her, was dependable. She couldn’t say the same about everyone else in her life though. The one person she really felt ever saw her, the real version of her, was Muhammad.

When he died, it threw her off so much that the only thing she could do was run. Diving headfirst into work, she kept running-physically and emotionally-away from everything at the Dam that reminded her of him. That day, when she was running again, she ran headfirst into Max. And there has been this part of her that has always known that she hasn’t fully opened up to him. That despite her limited confession about Muhammad, or her fertility and her IVF treatment, or even Zuhrah, there were still pieces of herself that she tucked away, that she refused to let him touch. She knew that she had seen him at his worst, but she also knew that if he ever saw her like that, then she’d never know how to bring herself to completely deny what she felt for him. She wouldn’t be able to easily turn her feelings on and off like she wanted to, like she felt she needed to. He’d be too close. He’d know too much. And they’d never be able to return to any kind of normalcy after. What was normal about their relationship anyway?

“Max, no. Please. I can walk,” she waived off, trying to take some steps ahead of him. 

Before she could finish her sentence, he was running past her and she wasn’t sure what he was up to but it had to be something. While she was still trying to process everything that happened in the last few minutes, she looked ahead to find him pushing a wheelchair, accompanied by a stupid grin on his face.

The sight of him alone had her embarrassingly covering her face, as she tried, but failed miserably, to swallow the laugh bubbling in the back of her throat. _He is such an idiot. I cannot believe him right now._ Helen couldn’t help but shoot passersby, who were staring at them, a sheepish smile. _This is really what it’d be like to be with Max. I should save myself now._

Before he could even get a word out, she decided to let him down quickly, “I am not getting in that and you know that. I don’t need a wheelchair. I need some bloody flats.”

He didn’t expect her to comply but it was worth seeing her laugh. Gosh, he missed her laugh. He missed being the reason she smiled so much. He used the opportunity to ask something he had been thinking about.

“So are you refusing to let me carry you?” 

There was something about the way he said it that instantly caused shock to course through her veins. She was almost jolted into this reality that she didn’t quite prepare herself for. She knew she was tired of a lot of things but she didn’t even consider that maybe she was doing what she had always done, appearing to be the stronger one in their relationship. She didn’t let him really carry her. She was always trying to carry him. It wasn’t all his fault for taking. Some of it was hers too, when she refused to burden him. It wasn’t even about the wheelchair anymore. He was asking her if she was going to allow him to be there for her, the way he wanted to be. She swallowed hard and when he saw it, he knew that she understood what he was asking.

“You’re not going to drop me?” she asked, biting her lip as she tilted her head, her voice barely above a whisper. 

“Never. I’ve got you.” His eyes never averted her gaze. He was so sure he saw tears in them and he knew that he broke down a wall, that despite all her confessions in the past, was still standing between them.

“I’m still not sitting in that wheelchair though. Can we walk more slowly?”

He chuckled as he pushed the wheelchair to the side. He knew she was never getting in the wheelchair. God, the universe or whatever force, was really giving him everything he asked for this morning.

“We can. Sometimes it’s good to slow down.”

“Wow. You know how to slow down? I’m amazed.”

“I can when I need to, Helen. I just need something worth slowing down for.” 

She wasn’t even sure what was happening. _Was he flirting? Why would he even be flirting?_ Maybe she was just reading too much into what he was saying, as always. He was just saying what he meant. There was no double meaning. 

“By the way, your height in those red bottom things.”

“Shoes Max. It’s called shoes,” she corrected, almost sounding irritated by his reference.

He shook his head at her.

“Your height, it’s perfect,” he threw his eyes beside her, watching the distance he had to reach.

He was paying attention to how much they complimented each other. In his mind, if he would only orient his body a certain way, grab the small of her back, jam her against the wall next to them and bend forward a few inches, she’d be the perfect height for him to kiss her.

“Perfect for what?”

“It’s just perfect,” he dismissed.

She furrowed her brows looking at him because she honestly wasn’t sure what he meant by that. She decided to let it slide. They reached the auditorium and he opened the door.

“After you.”

******

The minute he walked in and his apologetic blues met Sandra’s angry brown eyes, he knew he’d have to wing it. There was no way she’d waste another minute of her time trying to organize his slide show. She packed her things and walked out without ever saying a word to Max. Helen was slightly amused at their interaction but she expected nothing less. Sandra was one of the few people who was able to actually maintain boundaries with Max. He knew where to stop with her and a lot of the things that other people would let him get away with unscathed, Sandra wouldn’t. Their relationship was strictly professional and if ever Max disrespected her in any way, like not sending his presentation in advance like he knew he should, she’d simply let him deal with the consequences. Helen silently cursed herself under her breath that all the boundaries she had set days before, were practically becoming non-existent after one incident in the corridor. 

Helen took a seat at the front of the auditorium as Max began the meeting. He started his speech apologizing for his tardiness and the lack of multimedia presentation, which he took full responsibility for. Helen loved that about him. He knew when to fess up and he didn’t always hide his mistakes. For thirty minutes after that, he went through the long and drawn out process of listening to each department chair’s concerns until he could finally talk about the real reason he called the meeting in the first place.

“It has been brought to my attention what has been happening in some of our residency programs.”

Everyone appeared puzzled, clearly not knowing where he was going with this.

“Don’t look so confused. I’m getting to the point. Some of your residents sent me emails expressing concerns about the prejudices they have been faced with as women in residency programs.”

His eyes fell on Dr. Mathura and the look on his face alone made Max aware that the allegations were true. 

“To say the least, it’s upsetting and I am disgusted that we even have this issue at such a diverse hospital as this. We have people from all walks of life here and some of our best and brightest physicians,” he paused to look at Helen, “are women.”

Her cheeks became flushed with burning desire. Max was really doing a number on her today. 

“This is not the Stone Age. Women don’t ‘belong’ behind men. Women have worked and clawed their way out of so much oppression to be seen and heard for all that they are. Asking that your female residents fetch everyone on the surgical staff food, is absurd and I will not tolerate it. Choosing male residents to be your mentees while the women are sidelined is something that is repulsive and I will fire _any_ of you,” he raised his voice to show his anger, “in a heartbeat, if these claims are found to be true. I don’t care how long you’ve worked here or how much money you make for this hospital. That misogynist behavior and thinking will not be perpetuated here. I will be launching a full investigation into the claims and I will personally be making my rounds in every single department to find out what’s really going on, though I suspect I already know.”

He glared at Dr. Mathura and it was taking everything in him to not fire him on the spot. He knew Karen would have a field day with him if he did, so he decided to do it the right way, by going through their protocol. He didn’t want to cost the hospital millions in court if Dr. Mathura sued them. 

“One last thing. I know you see me stand in front of here or run around this hospital trying to make it a better place for all of us but I have something to confess. I’m really not the entire brain of this operation.”

Helen wasn’t sure where he was going with this but she was just praying he wasn’t about to put her on blast. 

“When I first came here, I met someone who knew this hospital better than I did.”

_Oh God, he’s really going there. What has gotten into him today?_

She slouched in her seat. 

“She’s been my right hand for most of my time here and there is no way I could do this without her. All of you probably figured that out when I was busy that day being a dad and she managed to turn this hospital right side up in my absence. The reason I’m saying this is because I want you to see how much better women make things. I might be an okay guy on my own,” he looked at her before continuing, “but with Helen by my side, I’m so much better than I could ever be.”

 _Yup_ , _I’m screwed. He hasn’t let me go at all._ Alice and his ring were nowhere in her mind. 

“Respect women. Honor women. Let women help you, and I guarantee you that your department would be better because of it. Have a good day. We will reconvene next month.”

He walked over to her and she just kept staring at him shaking her head in denial. He knew he had her. As soon as she got up, he was right in front of her, and she reached out to touch his chest in an attempt to catch her balance. Coming to her senses, she dropped her hand quickly to her side, letting out a shaky breath. 

“You didn't need to do that. I think you could’ve made your point without me.”

“Right. Did you see Mathura’s face? I think I stuck it to him when I talked about the relationship we have and how much I appreciate you. I think he was finally getting the point.”

She squirmed slightly, “Yea, well I don’t know about that. The misogyny is ingrained in him. Good luck getting that out. Although, I think it’s good that he finally crossed paths with women who wouldn’t tolerate his nonsense, and a medical director who is pro-women and would actually take action against him.”

She smiled at Max because she was honestly so proud of him for not dismissing the residents’ claims.

“Thanks for doing that.”

“You don’t need to thank me. If we don’t have men advocating for women, then men like him would continue to do what they do. Someone has to say enough is enough. I don’t give a damn what Brantley says, if it comes down to it, after I go through protocol and he needs to be fired, I’m firing him.”

“Don’t worry, I’d have your back in there,” Helen replied convincingly, touching his shoulder. 

Walking a few steps ahead of him, she spun around and said, “I have to go make my morning rounds. I guess I’d catch up to you later.”

“Yea,” he raised his hand waving her goodbye.

“Later,” he muttered under his breath as the thought sank in. 

It was the first time in days that she wasn’t dismissing him. She actually seemed like she was looking forward to seeing him, and he was really starting to convince himself that he couldn’t give up on her.

******

He was swinging on a chair, at the desk in the ED, whistling a tune as he scrolled up and down his phone, appearing deep in thought. She walked up behind him, taking a good look at what he was doing before making her presence known.

“Boo!”

He almost jumped out of his chair as he held his chest, feeling his heart racing as fast as a thousand wild gazelles on the plains of Kenya.

“Damn it, Lauren. You don’t scare an old man like that.”

She scoffed at him, rolling her eyes in contempt that he would even consider himself old. He was anything but.

“Please, you’re not old. You are like, what, thirty six?”

He closed the distance between them, shoving his beard in her face before saying, “do you see that? I found a grey hair on my beard this morning. I was this close,” he gestured with his hands, “to shaving the entire thing off.”

“You should’ve,” she replied sarcastically. She could care less about his _early_ mid-life crisis.

“Anyway, why are you so happy today? You’ve literally been walking around here these last few days like the entire world was on your shoulders. Now all of a sudden you have this chipper attitude. Who is she?”

Lauren missed the department meeting so she knew nothing of his ramblings about Helen Sharpe. Surprisingly, word hadn’t gotten around to her yet. He raised his hands ready to defend himself. 

“Why does it always have to be a woman?”

“Because, for you, it is _always_ a woman.”

“It’s my mom,” he lied with a straight face.

“Your mom?” Lauren laughed out, hardly able to contain her amusement. 

“So you’re trying to tell me that you were just scrolling through your phone looking at shoes to buy for your mom?” she squinted at him.

“When did you even peep in my phone to see what I was doing? And secondly, you do realize that Mother’s Day is coming up soon and as a grateful son I quite enjoy buying my mother things?”

She backed down, deciding to not push it any further.

“Yea, okay poster child of the year.”

“Since you’re already in my business, I might as well use your help. I want to buy my mom some shoes.”

Lauren screwed her face because in her mind, this was already another one of Max Goodwin’s bad ideas.

“Shoes?”

“Yes, shoes. Just track with me here for a bit,” he scorned. 

“Of course, there’s one tiny issue and my dad can’t help me with it. Sometimes I wonder if they’ve really been married for forty five years already.”

“Oh, wow! It's pretty great to be married to someone for so long. I wish I-”

Max cut her off, snapping his fingers. “Okay Cinderella, focus.”

“What size do women wear anyway? I feel like my mom has small feet. Yours look like the footprint of a freakin’ dinosaur,” he chuckled as he looked down to inspect her sneaker clad feet. Looking up, his eyes were met with a glare from Lauren.

Raising her voice, she hissed, “As big as they are I could still stick them up your flat a-”

She resigned. “You know what? We’re at work. I’m the head of this department. I’m going to save my curse words for Friday night when we all go out for drinks. I want to teach you some three and four letter words that you can add to your limited vocabulary, boss.”

“Ah, the Scorpion stings.”

“Only because the lion roars."

She digressed. "Anyway, the average woman’s shoe size in the US is 8.5. But then there are outliers like me and Helen.”

Max smirked, ready to make another joke about the size of Lauren’s feet.

“Don’t even,” she said crossly, warning him before he said something else he would regret.

“Her feet are size 7 in flats and maybe a 6.5 in sandals. They’re pretty small. So if your mom has feet as tiny as Helen’s, then I’d say go with a 7 for safety.”

He got exactly what he wanted from her and all he had to do was endure some playful banter to get it. Max knew the way Lauren was. He experienced it so many times in conversation with her before. She’d always find a way to bring up some minor detail about Helen regardless of what they were talking about. It’s the very reason he decided to sit in the middle of the ED and scroll through his phone. He fully expected Lauren to mind his business and he knew that once he came up with some ridiculous story about his mom having small feet, she’d use the only person he really cared to know about anyway, as a reference. Today really was shaping up to be better than he hoped for. He left the hospital to run his errand, hoping that this last thing wouldn’t backfire on him.

*****

She opened the door to her office, sometime around five o’clock, as the exhaustion of the day was finally hitting her. She was thinking to herself that she really had to do something about the scarcity of flats in her closet. Those heels that she had spent hundreds and sometimes thousands of dollars on, just weren’t easy for her to walk in anymore. She didn’t want to get rid of them, so she was slowly resigning to the logical solution of just wearing flats for a couple of hours everyday at work, especially when she knew she had a lot of walking to do. She’d be damned if she would ever be seen in a wheelchair, unless she had a _very_ good reason to be in one. She smiled thinking about all the things that happened with them earlier in the day.

As she was still standing in the doorway, her phone pinged, alerting her of a text message.

_Cassian to Helen 5:05 p.m._

_Missed you at lunch today. Actually left my wallet at home, so I was expecting you to pay ;) <<message read>> _

She was taken aback by how forward he was. It was the first time all day that she remembered Cassian even existed.

_Helen to Cassian 5:07 p.m._

_Busy day. Lots of things to take care of. I’d make it up to you next time. <<message read>> _

_Cassian to Helen 5:08 p.m._

_When will that be? You’ve been blowing me off for days. Is there someone else? <<message read>> _

She didn’t expect him to go there. She didn’t even know how to answer that. Was there someone else? Did Max even count as being her someone else when he belonged to someone else? In her mind, the answer was no.

_Helen to Cassian 5:12 p.m._

_You’re very forward Mr. Shin. To answer your question, there’s no one else. <<message read>> _

She wasn’t really sure what she was doing. She was trying to hold on to the clarity she had days before but she was feeling like she was in her office again, that night Max almost kissed her-confused and being pulled in a million different directions. Now, instead of thinking that the only obstacles between her and Max was his ring and Alice, she was realizing that if she would allow it, Cassian could become one too. She sighed heavily at the thought, her frustrations rising and peace of mind fading.

_Cassian to Helen 5:13 p.m._

_Good. Because I’m not going anywhere. I found a reason to stay here. <<message unread>> _

She didn’t know how to reply to that so she left the message unread. She couldn’t deal with Cassian at the moment. All she wanted to do was pack up her things, go home and unwind with a glass of Macallan 25.

Finally crossing the threshold of her office, she looked up to find a box with a red bow on her desk. She looked around, almost perplexed, trying to figure out if she was in the right place. She saw her pictures with Michelle Obama and Oprah and she knew she was definitely in her office. Backtracking her steps, she called out to her assistant Corrine, only to remember the time, realizing that she was long gone. The only way someone was getting in her office to do this was if Corrine let them in. Corrine never let anything get past her.

_What the hell is going on? This has to be Cassian’s doing. My God, he really isn’t going anywhere._

She guardedly walked up to the box, and smiled the moment she saw the Jimmy Choo logo on it. She was sure that it was Cassian now. She slid the note that was in a white envelope out from under the bow and opened it. As she scanned the words, she dropped it quickly, stunned by what she read. 

_This is not happening to me._

The note read: 

_Because I want you, to keep up with me._

_M.G._

_P.S. I know how much you (pretend to) hate gifts but I used Luna’s trust fund money to buy this. Don’t let my child grow up poor for nothing. Wear the damn shoes. I can’t wait to see them on you ;)_

Out of nowhere, she started laughing uncontrollably as she replayed the last few words of the note. Shaking her head, she still couldn’t believe how Max was never one to shy away from theatrics. Then, it just hit her. She picked up the note again to read it because she was sure she saw something there that was important. She read it again, only this time, reading in between the lines of what he was actually saying.

_Because I want you (comma) to keep up with me._

She began rubbing her temples as a tension headache instantly started creeping up on her. She was realizing that he was doing _that thing_ again. It’s the same thing he did the night of the snowstorm when he told her that he wanted her to be his partner. Or when they were rescuing Marlene and he said he’d go slow because he loved his doctor. Or on the rooftop when he said that they make a good team. Or in her office when he said he can’t do it without her. It was the same damn thing he had been doing all day.

He could’ve easily said: _Because I want you to keep up with me._ Grammatically, it would have made sense if that’s what he really meant. He wasn’t saying that at all. A comma changed the meaning of everything. He said: _Because I want you, to keep up with me._ Maybe he wanted her and he was saying it, albeit in a _very_ technical way. 

_Such a bloody Max Goodwin thing to do._

Before today, they were six feet apart and in less than ten hours, Max Goodwin managed to hypnotize her under his spell, again. Everything she did, he was undoing, with actions that a part of her was only hoping for. Deep down she knew it shouldn’t change anything and she should just let her feelings die, but taken or not, he was igniting the flame within her, to love him more than she ever did before.

******

Later that evening, looking down from the third floor, he saw her walking across the atrium with her handbags and folders, her feet clad with his comfortable Jimmy Choo flats, and he knew that he did something right. In his cocky mind, he did _everything_ right. He started the day barely holding on, wondering if he should even try harder. What made him decide that he couldn’t retreat or surrender? Her. It’s not rocket science. It was just her. He had two options. He could either allow the best thing that’s ever happened to him to never be his forever or he could try with all his might to be what and who she both wanted and needed. He couldn’t give up on her, or them, at the first sign of trouble. In Max’s mind, Cassian’s greatest attempts at wooing her would fail because the one thing he had on him was that no one knew Helen quite like he did. And he was going to use that to his advantage. He already started to.


	6. Chapter 6

He knew it was coming. The knowing didn’t make the pain of what was to come any easier. Most people think that the hardest part about terrible things happening is the surprise of it-the uncertainty that it's marked by. If we all knew whatever bad was coming our way, and we had a chance to prepare, then we’d be less likely to be thrown for a loop and somehow, remain steady. As difficult as it had been for the past few months, he found his stride. Through many mistakes, embarrassing encounters, untimely vomits, soiled diapers and clothes, he had gotten her to this point. She had four central upper and lower incisors, was cruising, saying ‘da-da’ and was now three times her birth weight. Maybe all of that should’ve made him feel like _it_ was enough, like _he_ was enough, but it didn’t. 

The yearning didn’t leave him. The desire to give her the one thing that he knew she needed, but didn’t even recognize, was ever present, even in those moments he refused to acknowledge it. There were so many times he was alone with her, bearing witness to every milestone, and he’d instinctively turn around to look for someone to share his joy with. All he could find was cold, lifeless concrete surrounding him. 

Meeting Alice gave him a chance to dream of what life could've been like for Luna. It felt great to finally have someone who understood the struggles of raising a child as a single parent. In hindsight, he realized that he felt like he needed Alice. He didn’t want her though. Sometimes we stay in relationships with people we need because our necessity for them masks the fact that we never actually want them. Relationships aren’t always about dependency. They are also rooted in desire.  
  
Although Bobbi was older, they’d text each other back and forth with photos and videos of the seemingly unimportant things their children did. He never had to overthink that he was being too paranoid seeking Alice’s advice when all Luna did was fuss when she first started teething. There was someone there who understood all his concerns, despite how trivial they may have seemed. He and Alice weren’t that way anymore, for obvious reasons, but he’d still like to think that they respected each other enough and could be cordial if they were to ever meet again.

He wished he could slow the time down because even with knowing, he just wasn’t ready. Luna’s first birthday was drawing close and he wasn't sure if there was anything to celebrate. He didn’t know how to look at her innocent blue eyes, rosy cheeks, and infectious smile, with tears in his eyes while he explained that the best day of his life was simultaneously his worst. He didn’t want to mar the celebration that he didn’t manage to kill his daughter from his grief and ignorance about all things baby related for the past year, with the story of how her mom died.

He could feel all of it now-the unwanted feelings. He could think all of it now-the unwanted thoughts. He accomplished what he set out to do a few days ago. He was back on track and climbing the mountain that was Helen Sharpe. At least one thing in his life was going right. He really couldn’t have it all. When there was harmony in one part of his life, chaos, like a volcano, was erupting in another part. For right now, his only concern was Luna. Whatever he was thinking and feeling, he needed to control it because he still had a job to do. There was still an institution with eight hundred beds and hundreds of doctors waiting on him to function. It’s what he had been doing for the past few years anyway-functioning in his dysfunction.

Many people don’t really understand what it’s like to be a doctor. People expect you to function. They hold you to a standard that they’d never be able to live up to if the shoe was on the other foot. They expect you to solve all their problems while you’re battling your own. Doctors are often treated as though they are superhuman. They _must_ know how to compartmentalize. Whatever they feel _must_ come last at all times because the patient _always_ comes first. Max had become so used to giving that he practically never prioritized self care. Most times he was functioning, or barely doing so, at the detriment of himself. 

He was drawn back into his pressing reality as he heard Luna’s screams. She had been crying for hours and nothing he did seemed to calm her. When he thought he finally got her down for good, an hour ago, he stepped on one of her squeaky toys and he was right back at square one. He held her in his arms, rocking her back and forth, as he kissed her temples trying to pacify her. There was no Alice to call. Helen wasn’t even an option because she never asked for this. After going through every possible differential diagnosis for her uneasiness, he convinced himself that Luna could feel the tension rising within him and was simply responding to his inner turmoil. He couldn’t stop his thoughts and he couldn’t hide his feelings from her. She knew something was wrong with her dad and he couldn’t even fix it himself. Maybe he was only good at solving everyone else’s problems and not his own.

*****

She was in deep thought walking into work. Her disposition was so much better than it was just last week. She was enjoying uninterrupted sleep because she didn’t spend all her time ruminating on all the anxious thoughts she had about her and Max. Something about them in the last few days, after he gave her the shoes, felt easy. The They were at this place where they weren’t being too cautious around each other. They weren’t being too guarded either. All her reservations about creating distance between them were practically non-existent now. She didn’t think she needed to anymore. She rationalized that he wasn’t going to leave her alone and that if she tried to resist him, she’d find herself worse off than before.

She was well aware that he was with Alice. She was also aware that what she felt for him hadn’t exactly vanished into thin air. It was still there and if she were honest with herself, then she’d admit that it was actually stronger than before. Despite what she felt, she resigned to the belief to let it be what it was. She wasn’t going to force anything with Max. She wasn’t going to force anything with Cassian either. She was still holding him off. She knew why but she wasn’t ready to face that reality yet. She was just going to let it be. Whatever direction life wanted to steer her in, she’d go. 

The elevator dinged as its doors parted and he looked up to see her. He suddenly felt this inexplicable relief wash over him as her radiant smile greeted him. He just needed to see her to make him feel better, even for just one moment. He looked down as Luna remained sound asleep in his arms. She was either putting on a show that she was the calmest baby in the world or maybe the exhaustion had finally caught up to her. The couple arguing in the lift didn’t even make her stir. He was just thankful to finally enjoy some tranquility. 

He scanned Helen’s appearance from head to toe and he couldn’t even help but smile through his exhaustion, when his eyes landed on her feet. It had been three days but every time he saw those shoes on her feet, he felt like he had successfully marked off his territory. He was treating it like it was an engagement ring. Helen was proudly wearing something he hand picked for her and he couldn’t be more pleased. 

“I’m starting to think you’re stalking me,” she quipped as they landed in step with each other.

“Yea, I put a tracking device in the sole of one of your shoes. Didn’t you notice?”

She stopped and glared at him.

“What? I’m only kidding. Well, only a little bit. It’s the left one if you’re wondering.”

She slapped his shoulder in jest as she shook her head, fighting a laugh. He was joking but she could still see that he wasn’t fully himself. For one, he looked like he just took his scrubs out of the dryer, threw them in a basket, and then picked them up without passing an iron on them. His hair was disheveled, far removed from the way he wore it in the past few days. Every few seconds he kept rubbing his tired eyes, struggling to keep his droopy eyelids open. To the untrained eye with no significant attachment to Max, it would look like nothing more than sheer exhaustion from sleep deprivation. To Helen, it was more than that. It had to be more than that. 

“Rough night?”

He shook his head in response as yet another yawn washed over him, when they turned the corner near the bookstore.

“But look at my no longer little munchkin. She’s the cutest,” she remarked, as she reached out to gently pat Luna’s head. “She could never give you trouble.”

Max immediately wiped the smile off of his face when he heard Helen’s words. 

“Helen, you have no idea. I always thought she’d be a ballerina but after last night I’m becoming more convinced that she’s going to be a singer.”

“She screamed that much?”

“I’m talking five octaves higher than my uppermost register and my falsetto is pretty good. I should sing for you sometime.”

Helen couldn’t stop laughing at the image in her mind of Max singing karaoke completely off key, using the machine Reynolds had for his office birthday party a year and a half ago. She’d honestly pay good money to see Max embarrass himself like that. 

“I’m not a professional but I’m confident that my child is a soprano.” He still felt like his ears were ringing. He was sure he lost some of his hearing last night. If Luna kept this up, he’d need a hearing aid before he was forty.

“Yea, well lucky for you today is Friday and we have no meetings. Thank God. I feel like I’ve dealt with enough folly already this week. Liquor. I just need liquor,” she said exasperatedly. 

“You guys still do that thing every Friday night?”

“The thing that you’ve never attended? Yes, we do. Why do you think I’m dressed like this?’

He took a moment to steal another glance at what she had on. He didn’t exactly try to remember every single thing she ever wore but there were just some things that he committed to memory. She had on one of her black trousers he loved, that was tailored to her form, that stopped just above her ankles. A low cut floral shirt was hidden under a pastel pink blazer and he could tell that the back had to have some wow factor for her to even bother wearing it. Helen didn’t exactly strike him as a pastel wearing woman but when he thought he knew her, he kept learning that she was full of surprises. 

“You look nice.”

“Thank you. I’d tell you that you do as well but I’m not one to lie. You look like hell.”

“Thanks for the compliment,” he teased.

“Why didn’t you just stay home? I could’ve run the place for just one day.”

“I would’ve graciously taken you up on your offer, but I already made plans for Georgia’s parents to take Luna this weekend. I didn’t want them to see how messy my apartment was, so I arranged for them to pick her up here this evening. I’m not in the mood to be wrongly judged today."

Helen squirmed hearing him admit that. It’s not that she didn’t know and she really didn’t want to judge but she and Max were completely opposite when it came to keeping a place tidy. Max often joked and told her that he functions best in organized chaos. It was clear he never learnt the definition of the word organized because all she saw around him at work, and that one time she visited his place, was chaos and lots of it. Every time she walked into his office, she’d find herself stacking papers in folders while he spoke about something that she’d rather not listen to. She couldn’t entertain anything he had to say until she decluttered his desk. He had become so used to her doing it that he stopped fighting her on it. She wanted to bring order to his chaos and he knew that he needed that. 

He sighed as he remembered. Helen picked up on it instantly, as she watched his features change, although subtly. She could always see what he was trying to hide. 

“You forgot something, didn’t you?”

_How did she even notice that? Never mind._

“Yea, I did. I have something to deal with in the E.D. today. I don’t know what’s going on but the turnover time is just too long. We can’t have accuracy with inefficiency. We need both-accuracy and efficiency, I mean.”

“No need to over explain. I get it.”

“I have to see what’s going on there.”

“I could just clear some space on my calendar and take care of it for you. It’s not a problem.”

She was doing that thing again-bending over backwards to accommodate him. Her patient load was stressful. Just yesterday she found herself asking Corrine how she managed to book so many appointments for today. It’s the reason she found herself thinking about unwinding tonight with her colleagues because she was sure that she’d need it. She had chemotherapy regimens to think about. She spent the better part of her night looking over the counts of some of her patients and researching new clinical trials to enroll the ones who were suffering at the hands of standard oncological care. Despite all that, she was willing to squeeze in time to rescue Max Goodwin. She didn’t make space for a lot of things but in her life, there was always room for Max Goodwin. 

“Well lucky for you, I won’t allow you to even come near the E.D. You can just be an Oncologist today. I’d do all the administrative work.”

She scrolled through her phone for Corrine’s number as she mumbled, “Are you sure? I can call Corinne now and just-”

He mustered what little energy he had to grab her phone away from her before saying, “Helen, I’m giving you an escape, take it and run.” He forced a smile at her. He wanted to take her up on the offer but he already felt like he was taking too much. He just needed to let her be. 

“I still feel like there’s something you’re not telling me. I mean, besides the Luna thing of course.”

“I’m fine. I just need caffeine.”

She stopped and looked at him again, squinting her eyes to see through the veil of his tired eyes as they masked his unwanted thoughts. She couldn’t figure it out so she decided to take him at his word. He was fine. It was just fatigue. Her intuition kept telling her otherwise but she knew that if she pushed too much, they'd end up having some silly argument and that was the last thing she wanted.

“Well, at the very least, I can buy you some coffee with two shots of espresso, just the way you like it on your tired days.”

“Do you see the line? You’d be late. And we both know how much you enjoy being late.”

“Max, do you know who I am?” Backing away from him, she smiled as she pointed a finger and declared, “Watch and learn.”

He raised his eyebrows watching her walk determinedly toward the coffee shop, with an overconfidence he rarely saw her exhibit, save for when she was being “Dr. Helen,” he muttered underneath his breath.

The line was swinging all the way around the corner. That was not the only coffee shop they had at the Dam but it was the one with the best coffee. Helen was so sure that Ella and the other baristas that worked there put some secret ingredient in it, that had customers willing to stand in line for a half hour just to make a purchase. She never waited in line. Max never knew that and she was always so silently amused when he used to bring her coffee and an English muffin with strawberry jam, every Monday, with beads of perspiration pouring down his face. She knew the effort and patience it took, but she also knew that she could easily save him time by doing it herself. 

“Dr. Helen, is that you?” Ella called out as Helen walked from where she was standing straight to the register.

“Hi, Ella. How’s the baby? You look great.”

“Kicking. Kicking non-stop. I’m so tired.”

“You don’t even look like it. That pregnancy glow looks great on you.”

“Thanks," she gushed rubbing her belly up and down.

"Hurry up so we can have play dates by the time this little one pops up.”

Helen chuckled. She wasn’t even sure how it became public knowledge that she desperately wanted a baby until she remembered.... _Damn it, Lauren._

”I will but I just have to sort out a few logistics first.”

 _Logistics. Really?_ She didn’t even know what she meant by that but she decided to ignore her thoughts. 

“Can I get you anything? And don’t worry about the customers. They know who you are and they love you.”

Helen turned around to see people smiling at her, graciously nodding their head in approval for her to be catered to. It’s not that she didn’t know but Dr. Helen, her TV personality, was at least good for something. It’s the reason she got the gang a table at the bar two years ago, when they started their weekly round up on Friday nights.

“A grande Americano with two shots of espresso. Stevia please. Additionally, I’d have my Friday special.”

“Matcha green tea without the sugar?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“I adore the fact that on Fridays you’re full Brit and during the week you’re American.”

“The best of both worlds.”

Helen walked back to Max with his coffee in hand, sporting an exaggeratedly smug grin on her face. She knew that she had a peculiar kind of power that even as the medical director, Max could hardly ever come by. She made the Dam what it was. She was well known and respected, and her reputation was never something she took for granted. He might be the brains but he was nothing without her influence.

She was greeted with him staring at her in disbelief and she already knew what he was about to say. 

“Really?” he scoffed. Max couldn’t get over how reprehensible the expression on her face was. He couldn’t say he didn’t like the arrogance though.

“What?”

“I cannot believe you.”

“What did I do except get you all the energy you’d need to survive this day?” She handed him the coffee that he unwillingly accepted. 

“I’m never buying you coffee again. Ever. You are now the coffee supplier in this relationship.”

_Relationship. He really couldn’t help himself._

Closing the distance between them, she got up on her toes, her elevated height still shorter than Max, and whispered to him, “This is _our_ dirty little secret. I expect you to keep your mouth shut if you expect to get any more of where that came from.” She winked at him and patted his chest before walking away. She never did that before and she had to quickly rein herself back in as she thought, _his eyes might be tired but his body certainly isn’t. Bloody hell._

Turning on her heels, she looked back at him to mention, “By the way, you should come tonight. If you’re up to it, of course.”

He wanted to. Deep down, he even felt like he needed to but he just couldn’t. She was just so happy and the last thing he wanted to do was tell her how much he had been struggling. He just wanted to be able to deal with it on his own. He didn’t want to drag her into this with him. She didn’t need that. He knew she told him that whenever he needed her, she’d be there, but he couldn’t stop overthinking the fact that he didn’t want her to feel like he was using her. He knew she still thought he was with Alice, although he wasn’t. He didn’t want to make it seem like she was good enough to spill his heart to but when he needed someone to keep him warm at night, Alice was the better woman. Nobody was better for him than Helen. 

He sighed, dropping a kiss on Luna’s forehead as he made his way to the nursery, before he could officially start his work day. He just had a feeling that today was going to be one of those unpredictable days. All he needed to do was survive it. 

******

He wasn’t paying attention to where he was going until he felt the pain shocking him in his right foot. He looked down to find that he bumped right into a crash cart in the middle of the hallway. He didn’t even think about it. He just said whatever was on his mind.

“Who put this here?” he shouted, causing commotion all around him.

In the past few hours he had successfully managed to step on everyone’s toes-with the exception of Helen-that he came into contact with. Adele had some choice words for him when she found herself on the receiving end of the side effects of his sleep deprivation and personal troubles. He got into it with the neurosurgery attending over the fact that his budget for the next quarter hadn’t been completed. He was so sick of Dr. Muthema always making the same silly excuse for his late budgets by blaming his technological inadequacies. Today, he was failing miserably with compartmentalizing. 

Lauren stopped what she was doing at the desk, motioning to Casey to move it out of his way. 

“Quite the entrance, boss,” she teased. When she realized her joke wasn’t met with a smile, she decided to be serious.

“Not in the mood today Lauren. You know why I’m here. Let’s leave the personal stuff for another time. I don’t have all day.”

“Uh, yea. Sorry about that. I’d make sure that we clean up around here after crashes. We just had another drug overdose. She was only twenty five years old. Still waiting for the family to identify her body.”

“We really need to get a handle on that. I’d have to think about a way to help the cause. I feel like we could do more.”

“I think we could if we-”

Interrupting their conversation, Geena, a paramedic, burst through the doors of the E.D.

“Thirty year old female, hit by a drunk driver on the Brooklyn Bridge thirty minutes ago. Airway secured en route. Sustained blunt abdominal trauma. Abdomen woody hard so she may have some internal bleeding. Had a tension pneumothorax that was decompressed on site. Hemodynamically unstable. B.P. 80/40, heart rate 140bpm after three liters of crystalloids and 500ccs of gelofusine.” 

“Crash room 1.”

“Casey, page Reynolds and Shin right now while we try to stabilize her for surgery,” Lauren instructed. 

“I hope you’re ready to work, boss. This will take some time.”

Just as they finished the primary and secondary survey, Max spun around looking for Cassian. Reynolds already booked the O.R. for the patient when he discovered that despite all the pressors, she was still hemodynamically unstable. He strongly suspected that she had some cardiac injury that would only be amenable to surgical intervention. Although he had a stint in general surgery, he was not familiar with the ropes and he didn’t need a reason to get himself caught up in another lawsuit. Cassian sent his third year resident, Dr. Castillo, to assess the patient while he finished a surgery in the O.R. They already discussed the patient over the phone but Max was not happy that his surgery finished a mere ten minutes ago and he was still a no show.

Max was trying to calm himself down but even his deep breathing exercises were futile. Since Cassian came to the Dam, they never interacted. He was preoccupied with too many other things and Helen seemed to take to him after their little spat on his first day. In Max’s mind, if Helen could come around, then the guy wasn’t half as bad as he initially thought. He would trust anything she told him. But with every minute that was passing, his thoughts about Cassian were only growing worse. It didn’t help that somewhere in the back of his mind, he remembered Cassian’s interaction with Helen in the cafeteria. It didn’t help that Max was sleep deprived and trying hard to suppress all the feelings and thoughts that were bubbling beneath the surface. Cassian’s tardiness to the patient consult, by Max’s estimation, didn’t help either. This was exactly why he needed to be in the E.D. today. The inefficiency was costing them too much money and as he saw it, Cassian was jeopardizing the life of a patient. 

Just as Max pushed open the double doors to crash room 1, he caught Cassian walking slowly in his peripheral vision. Before Max could brace him, Dr. Castillo ran up to Cassian, giving him the full history of the patient and her assessment. She mentioned that the O.R. was already booked and the only thing they were waiting on was the Blood Bank to type and screen her. All the O negative blood ran out and waiting on blood from a universal donor to come via helicopter from Baptist wasn’t even an option. They needed packed red cells, fresh frozen plasma and platelets to be able to operate because they were sure that as soon as they opened the abdomen, they’d be suctioning blood at an alarming rate. 

“Thanks for letting me know, Ana. Let me just do a quick assessment in the meantime.”

“Dr. Goodwin, hi. Nice to finally meet you,” Cassian said, extending his hand to greet Max.

When he received no smile or warm greeting in return, he withdrew his hand. 

“I guess we’d catch up some other time. You seem a little stressed. If you’d excuse me, I have a patient to review for surgery.”

Just as Cassian was about to walk away, Max sneered, “Yea, if she’s still alive.”

Cassian ignored him. He was on hour eighteen of his twenty four hour call, and he already did four surgeries. He was exhausted and whatever little energy he had, he refused to allow Max’s attitude to take what was left of it. He continued walking toward crash room 1 until Max shouted, “Dr. Shin you were paged twenty minutes ago and you only _just_ decided to grace us with your presence,” Max chided as folded his arms across his chest. 

He continued, “I called the O.R. Your surgery finished ten minutes ago. It would take you less than five minutes to get from the O.R. to the E.D. to assess your critically ill patient who needs surgery. Doesn’t exactly scream selfless to me.”

Cassian scoffed. Max was asking for it. He was asking for a reason for Cassian to tell him anything and everything that would come to mind but he was trying so hard to be the bigger person. Cassian’s mother always told him that people often had issues that he knew nothing about and to try as much as possible to guard his words. If it wasn’t kind, helpful or necessary, then it didn’t need to be said.

Cassian knew nothing about Max save for the fact that he was the medical director. He never bothered to listen to hospital gossip because his only concern was his patients and as of late, Helen. He wasn’t aware that Max was a single dad and he didn’t even know that almost a year ago, he lost his wife and almost lost his life to his battle with cancer. None of those things was a good excuse for anything Max said to him anyway. Cassian hated to be disrespected and he hated when someone even implied that he didn’t care about his job. Performing four tedious surgeries in the span of eighteen hours, not even getting time to have a proper lunch, didn’t exactly scream selfishness to him. Cassian really just needed five minutes to himself before coming to the E.D. 

“Dr. Goodwin, we don’t know each other. This is the first time we’ve met outside of the boardroom when you interviewed me,” he gritted between his teeth trying to dissipate the situation but still show Max that he was serious. “I don’t owe you an explanation about my whereabouts. My work here speaks for itself. The fact that not one patient that was in my hands today died, when they were two steps away from the pearly gates, speaks for itself. I would demand an apology but I don’t think your ego could manage to do that. So if you’d excuse me, I have a patient to assess. Have a good day.”

Lauren glared at Max and if she wasn’t so busy she’d march straight up to Helen’s office to tell her everything that just took place. She wasn’t there when Max grilled Reynold’s about the police officer’s death. After she returned from rehab, and she eventually rekindled her romance with Reynolds, he told her about it. Max was a lot of things but unreasonable wasn’t usually one of them. He was acting like Cassian had no regard for another patient’s life and she couldn’t reconcile with that. She couldn’t even look in Max’s direction for too long because all she felt was disappointment.

******

Pulling out her chair to sit near Jan’s bed, Helen danced her eyes back and forth as she read the report of Jan’s latest full blood count. Jan was holding her breath because she had a rocky road already and she was far from the finish line. She managed to bravely endure the initiation of induction without a glitch, until all the blasts in her bone marrow were wiped out. She was now battling dangerously low white cell counts. The last thing she wanted to hear was that she’d need more Neupogen to stimulate her white blood cells. All she needed today was some good news. She clutched the sheet on her hospital bed tightly, waiting for the ball to drop.

“Jan, how are you today?”

“Dr. Sharpe, I know what you’re doing. You’ve been doing it for weeks. You’re trying to make small talk before you hit me with the death blow.”

She saw Helen’s face fall and she knew she should have chosen a better phrase.

“Okay, maybe I could’ve said something better. You look nice by the way. Never quite made you out to be a pastel wearing gal.”

“Ah, I can surprise you,” Helen winked.

Jan looked down at her feet and was quite astonished at what she found.

“Wow, today is some heck of a day. You have on flats? Fashionable Dr. Sharpe is doing her morning rounds in flats?” Jan questioned, laughing in disbelief. 

Helen couldn’t even help but chuckle. Gosh, she loved her patients. She loved that they could feel comfortable enough to say things like that to her. She and Jan developed quite the relationship in the past few months that she had been her doctor. She saw so much of herself in her and she was one of the reasons she was up late last night.

“I do. It’s a blue moon tonight. You like them?” Helen inquired as she lowered her eyes to her feet. She spun around posing in her Jimmy Choo flats and then wiggled her toes, relieved at the fact that she was pain free.

“Like them? I love them. You have such good taste.”

“I’d love to take the credit but they were a gift.”

“Dr. Sharpe, you’ve got the goods baby. What kind of friends do you have that give you designer shoes?”

“Ones that surprisingly have good taste and somehow know my exact shoe size although I never told them,” she shrugged her shoulders. 

Helen couldn’t stop blushing. She didn’t even know what was coming over her but every time someone complimented her on her shoes, she’d start grinning like a high school girl with a crush. 

“Yea, a friend. A guy bought shoes for me once. Let’s just say I married him. Best decision I ever made. Whoever he is, he’s a keeper. Trust me.”

“We’ll see about that. Anyway, enough old talk. I have some good news.”

“I’m going home? Please tell me I’m going home,” Jan pleaded.

“You are. But…” She paused when she saw the smile leave Jan’s face instantly.

“Don’t look at me like that. You know there’s always a but.”

“I know. I just wanted you to let me down easy for once,” Jan muttered. 

“I could but I’m trying to save your life. You know that. I need you to come to the clinic and do regular full blood counts for me until your absolute neutrophil count is in the normal range. It’s good enough for me to feel comfortable sending you home and discontinuing your intravenous antibiotics but I want to be safe. You know I always care about keeping you safe.”

“I know,” Jane replied disappointed.

“Okay, so I want to see you in a week. My residents could review your counts but I want to have a formal review with you so we can make some more plans for your treatment. How does the 14th sound?”

“As in May 14th?” Jan questioned.

All of a sudden it hit Helen. May 14th was next week. How could she even forget that? Now everything was making sense. _He really tried to pass it off as exhaustion because Luna was screaming so much but it had to be that. There was no way that it wasn’t._

“Actually Jan, could we meet on the 13th instead? May 14th wouldn’t work."

“Thank heavens you said that because the 14th can’t work for me either. I guess it’s a date.”

Helen squeezed her hand and then rushed out of the room to call her assistant.

“Hey Corrine, could you ensure Dr. Wilkerson takes my one o’clock appointment? I have something I need to take care of. I’d be back before you know it. She owes me one anyway. I’d give her a call in a few.”

Her head was down in her phone and that’s when she bumped right into him, causing her phone to fall to the ground. Stooping down, she reached to pick it up and as soon as she lifted her head, he was right in front of her. She examined his face and she could tell something was wrong. He didn’t have the smug grin he usually did and she was beginning to think that he really believed there was someone else. Over the last few days, she managed to still keep him at bay. She had no idea, at times, what she was even doing. Something about the attention he was giving her and the fact that he was so unrelenting piqued her interest. Cassian just wouldn’t let up and she can’t say that she didn’t find him quite amusing. She heard hospital chatter that he was very serious, especially when he was in the O.R., but that was not the version of him she was getting to know.

“Sorry,” they said in unison.

When he managed to let out a strained smile, she furrowed her brows because she could still see that he was upset about something. Helen was very perceptive. Attempting to lighten the mood as they stood, she remarked, “I think you’re going to have to buy me a phone Dr. Shin.”

“Still can’t help it with the formality, can you?”

“Old habits die hard, I guess. You okay? You seem upset and _clearly_ in a hurry.” Her eyes widened at her admission.

“It’s nothing,” he waived off.

She tilted her head to look at him and she could see his carotid pulse bounding in his neck and his right temporal vein standing out much more than it typically would.

“Yea, I may not know you that well but I can tell you’re angry. You’re on call right? You should probably cool off before you operate. Self care saves lives, right?”

She smiled at him and she could see the tension slowly leaving him after she used his own words on him. He knew she was right.

He sucked his teeth. “It’s just Max. That man is a piece of work.”

“Tell me about it,” Helen agreed, shaking her head. She didn’t even know what she was actually agreeing to.

“Oh, so I guess I was the only one who didn’t know that the beloved medical director of this hospital is an unreasonable egomaniac with no respect for his staff? He thinks that everyone must be at his beck and call and if for some reason you find yourself finishing your fourth operation for the day, then you must make it down to the E.D. in less than five minutes because that’s the time it takes to get there from the O.R.” He angrily huffed out a deep breath trying to find his calm again. 

Helen reached out for his arm to keep him from walking away. She couldn’t even understand where all this was coming from.

“Hey, can you just wait a second?”

Cassian looked down at her hand gripping his right forearm and as she spoke, she began caressing it. 

“I’m sorry. I know I’m not the one who should be apologizing but on behalf of Max, I'm sorry. He says stupid things sometimes without thinking. He has a lot going on.”

Cassian loosed himself from her grip to walk away, the moment he heard her making an excuse for him. She ran after him.

“Hey, I’m not defending him,” she clarified, pausing in front of him to block the entrance to the O.R. “I’m not saying he was right for coming at you like that. Max doesn’t always know how to channel his frustrations in the right way. I know he made a bad first impression on you since he became your boss, but I gave someone a chance who made a _very_ bad first impression on me and I’m glad that I did.”

He rolled his eyes because he knew she was talking about him and their first encounter.

“How’s that working out for you?”

“Okay, I guess. He keeps asking me out on a date but I just feel like he could hold out a little bit longer,” she teased.

“You’re lucky he has a lot of patience. I have a feeling he’s not going to quit.”

“I don’t expect him to,” she countered, involuntarily biting her bottom lip.

“Have a good surgery in there. I hope the rest of your call goes well. I have some business to take care of.”

“See you later.”

“Yea, later.”

She would otherwise overthink the way he said later so confidently but she didn’t have the time. She needed to rein Max in before he did something else he would regret.

As she walked away from the O.R. her phone buzzed.

_Lauren to Helen 12:45 p.m._

_You need to talk to Max. He just blew up at Cassian in the E.D. in front of the staff. Totally uncalled for. *eye roll emoji* <<message read>> _

_Helen to Lauren 12:46 p.m._

_I know. I heard about it. <<message read>> _

_Lauren to Helen 12:48 p.m._

_How could you even hear about that already? Do you have cameras set up in the E.D? I’m looking around right now. <<message read>> _

_Helen to Lauren 12:49 p.m._

_Maybe. And if you must know, I bumped into Cassian and he mentioned it. I’m going to have a chat with Max about it. <<message read>> _

_Lauren to Helen 12:50 p.m._

_You better. And btw, I can’t wait to see that big British booty tonight ;) We need some shots because this is shaping up to be one hell of a day. Also, don’t be late. I have a surprise for you. <<message read>> _

_Helen to Lauren 12:52 p.m._

_You find me sexy, huh? I always knew you liked me. Tell Reynolds he has some stiff competition ;) I could taste the tequila right now….*moans* Shut up, I’m never late. God help me because the last time you had a surprise for me I ended up drunk, vomiting in the back of an Uber. I’m never drinking cheap liquor again. It's not good for my reputation.*vomit emoji* <<message read>> _

_Lauren to Helen 12:53 p.m._

_Don’t worry about it. I think you’re gonna like it. And what reputation? Get a grip of yourself! <<message read>> _

_Helen to Lauren 12:54 p.m._

_The kind that has our table booked at the bar as long I want it. You wouldn’t know anything about that. Lol. Get back to work. See you later babe. <<message read>> _

******

She opened the door to find him leaning over the wall with his eyes glued to the New York City skyline. Despite the number of times she had seen it, nothing could ever match its glory, especially on her worst days. It’s the one place that became her escape when everything was becoming too much. When she couldn't physically run away from her commitments at New Amsterdam, she often ran to the rooftop to clear her head. Being an Oncologist had few wins and much more losses. The rooftop was the one place that reminded her of some of her wins-namely, her breakthroughs with Max. She smiled to herself because she didn’t even bother to look anywhere else for him. She knew he’d be there. The rooftop had become his place too. It was a place that had become a part of their story. When they were both trying to run that day, almost two years ago, they ran into each other, and somehow they kept finding an escape, not just on the rooftop, but in knowing each other intimately. 

Although life was filled with uncertainties, she never felt more anchored and at peace, about those few things she could be sure of. She was sure that the sun would rise every day and the moon would come out at night. She was sure that she was a great Oncologist-arguably the best one in her field. And as much as their relationship was blurred with so much confusion and uncertainties, she was sure she could get through to him. It's the reason she decided to drop everything and come to his rescue in the first place. It didn't occur to her that he could've easily sought an escape in his supposed girlfriend Alice. Instead, she just knew he needed her and she wanted to show up for him.

“If you’re looking for a hideout, this one’s taken.”

She shook her head, smiling at him. He really never forgot the simplest things she'd say to him.

“If I remember right, I called dibs on this place first.”

“Ah, all that money Dr. Helen raised was just so that you can own this place?”

“You didn’t know? Well now you do,” she joked. 

She stood next to him and mimicked his stance, leaning over the wall and clasping her hands together. Their bodies were in close contact and if she only leaned her head a bit to the left, it’d rest on his shoulder. She sighed as the afternoon sun hit her skin. She was grateful she remembered to wear her sunscreen today. 

“I know that you’re here to scold me and tell me that I was immature for what I did. I know I was wrong and I plan to apologize.”

_Well that was easy._

“That’s not what I was going to say.”

“It’s not?” he inquired, turning to look at her.

She reached for his hand and grabbed it as their fingers intertwined. Her eyes were locked in his and he felt so seen that he couldn't even look away. Every micro expression on his face seemed to be mirrored in hers, and for the first time he realized that she understood exactly what he was going through. He was such a fool for recognizing it so late. She suffered loss too. She lost someone she loved unexpectedly and she had to learn to pick up the pieces and move on too. 

“I remember and I am here.”

Six words. All she said in that moment was six simple words. He closed his eyes as he felt the heaviness slowly leave him. He didn’t even need to explain too much. He didn’t tell her a thing but somehow she remembered that the anniversary of Georgia’s death was coming soon. When he was easily misunderstood and he’d have those moments where he’d lash out at anyone in his path, Helen could see his pain. He sometimes wished he didn't need her as much as he did. He didn’t want her to feel like she still carried the burdens in their relationship but he was drowning. Since last night, he was drowning and the one person who could rescue him from himself was her. She was the only one who could make sense of his chaos.

He grabbed her hand a little tighter and rubbed the back of her it with the pad of his thumb. They sighed simultaneously as they exchanged no more words for a moment. The only noise between them was the horns of angry cab drivers and people walking the streets. His inner turmoil was being flooded with peace and the attraction between them was only becoming more intense. This is why, amidst all the confusion, Helen and Max together made sense. There were some things that didn’t need an abundance of words. They spoke each other's language and could comfortably translate the things hidden in the silence between them. She could look into his eyes and see a part of his soul that everyone else was blind to. He could see the parts of her that people who knew for longer than he had, had never seen. There was this invisible string that tied them so closely together, that they'd never be able to unravel themselves. They knew each other's secrets and secrets could hold people together even if they decided to break apart. He fiddled with his ring on his left finger, thinking about the fact that he was one step closer to taking it off.

Breaking the silence, Max confessed, “it’s hard sometimes, you know? I have days where I’m great and I don’t even remember. But then there are days like today, when it’s all I could think about.” 

She squeezed his hand, acknowledging that she understood. She had her moments after Muhammad died. If she were honest, she still had her moments especially when the anniversary of his death or his birthday came around. Max didn’t even know the half of it. 

“I feel like Luna will suffer because I can’t separate the celebration of her life with the death of her mother. She deserves better than some trip to Georgia’s gravesite. She deserves better than watching my bloodshot eyes while I go through old photos of us. She deserves more than I can give her. I just can’t give her Georgia back.”

Helen could hear the pain and frustration in his voice and it was breaking her heart into a million little pieces. She knew how much Max liked being in control. She knew that Georgia's death wrecked him because his grief was the one thing he couldn't control. A year later and he still couldn't control how erratic it made him. He tried so hard not to talk about Georgia’s death with her. He gave her some excuse in the past about not wanting to put all of it on her because he didn't want her to feel what he was feeling. She didn’t understand why he always wanted to protect her from that kind of pain. It’s almost as if he felt she’d never understand. But she understood. In more ways than one she understood. She carried around the loss of Muhammad with her every day and nothing pained her more than knowing he wasn't around and she was still battling her constant desire for a child. Regrettably, she didn’t have a child to remind her of the love she shared with Muhammad, but she understood the pain of losing someone she loved. 

"Max, you can’t give her Georgia back and that sucks. But there is one thing you can give her-a good day.”

"What do you mean?"

"She deserves happy memories Max and I think _we_ should give it to her."

"Yea but how are _we_ going to do that?"

"A birthday party," she blurted out.

"What? She doesn't need a birthday party Helen. She’s going to be one. I could just buy her a party hat from Target and a cupcake from Magnolia's Bakery."

"Okay, you need to stop being cheap and actually celebrate my munchkin's birthday. We can hire a photographer to take some professional photos. Oh and she needs a small cake to smash and get icing all over her pink tutu. Plus, you can invite her friends."

"What friends?" Max bit back.

Helen furrowed her brows, confused at the way he said it. She knew that Alice had a child that Luna often had playdates with. She was also sure that Max knew other parents with children in his apartment building.

"Stop playing. Luna has friends."

"Okay fine, maybe she does. Who is paying for all of this?"

"Lucky for Luna, her dad is a millionaire. Although people would never suspect that he is based on the rumpled blue scrubs he's wearing to work today," Helen whispered leaning in to touch shoulders with him playfully.

He dropped her hand and brought his hand to cover his mouth in surprise. He didn’t miss the fact that she said that they should give her a party and hire a photographer but the moment he mentioned money, it was all on him. 

"Wow. Low blow there Sharpe. You clearly don't understand because ironing was the least of my worries this morning."

"Gosh, I'm sorry," she quickly apologized ready to kick herself for ruining the moment. 

"I'm just pulling your leg. Don't worry about it. I'd pay for the party. I'd spare no cost. Who is planning it anyway? I do not have the time to pick out Peppa Pig balloons and decorations."

"Luckily for you, I know someone who is great at planning birthday parties."

"Who? Your friend Miriam who threw that ridiculously expensive extravaganza for your thirty fifth birthday?"

"Um, good idea but no. Me."

"You?" Max let out the first genuine laugh to escape his lips all day. Wherever Helen was, was truly his happy place.

"You may not know this but before you came to the Dam, I planned at least one birthday for each of Iggy's kids. You can ask Bloom. I'm bloody good at it. If I didn't decide to give up so many years of my precious life to become a doctor, I would've been one of Manhattan's finest children event planners," she defended. 

"You never stop surprising me Sharpe. What else don't I know?"

"Whatever you don't want to know." Her tone was seductive. They always managed to ease back into the familiar territory of revealing their unspoken feelings.

"Anyway, you're hired. No, I will not give you any trouble." She rolled her eyes because she knew that was a lie. Helen kept trying to get a word in but Max wouldn't let her.

"And yes, I'd have the guest list ready for you by Sunday. And yes, I know that's exactly what you were about to tell me. The theme is that annoying, British swine that looks nothing like one."

"Don't say it with so much love in your voice. You don't like Brits?"

"I never said that. You're trying to make me say something that I'd regret and I refuse to," Max warned, holding his right index finger in front of her. He was sure that he didn't like Brits at all. He loved them and one in particular. 

She feigned ignorance.

”On second thought, I should probably change the theme.”

”Seriously? See? I already regret this. You’re going to be worse than Iggy.”

”I just don’t know if Peppa Pig is the way to go. Maybe we could do something less annoying?”

”How about Baby Shark?” Helen snorted when she saw the look on his face.

”You said that to spite me because you know I’d go with Peppa.”

“I did no such thing.”

Walking off, she stopped to ask him again, "have you decided to come tonight? I have a couple of drinks with your name on it since you're near the poverty line and all. If you have to be broke, then you should at least be hammered too."

"No promises but I feel much better than I did earlier. Someone made my day so maybe I could return the favor."

She shook her head, contentedly sighing as she walked off.

There was something so easy about them. Her favorite part of their relationship was how effortlessly they managed serious conversations. They could talk about the heavy stuff but sometimes you just wanted someone to help you lift the load and not weigh you down further by reminding you of the gravitas of the situation. They had this exquisite chemistry where they could go from wearing their heart on their sleeve to laughing and teasing each other the next few minutes. They could bounce their insane ideas off of each other and never feel judged. Even if there was love there, and lots of it, love that they were still too cautious to fully own and acknowledge, there was friendship. Lovers always have a better relationship when their foundation is rooted in friendship. They had a good friendship and that was the best structure to support any romantic relationship they could ever build with each other. It was the kind of friendship that could weather storms and hopefully, the kind that could survive the few that were inevitably coming their way. 

She decided to let things be and somehow ended up on the rooftop comforting Max. She didn’t even know what came over her to even volunteer her time and energy to plan Luna’s first birthday party. If she were honest, she realized that she was more inclined to help Max when he never asked for her help at all. Making the decision to stop policing her feelings somehow steered her in his direction. Wherever he was, was actually where she wanted to be. It was clear that even when she did too much or nothing at all, she’d find him.

Whatever it was between them was proving to be stronger than anything trying to separate them. It was stronger than his cancer. It was stronger than him initially pushing her away after she resurfaced from her extended leave post the accident. It was stronger than the distance she planned on putting between them just last week. The invisible string tying them together had proven to be stronger than her will power, stronger than his grief and hopefully it would be stronger than anything or anyone that would try to drive them apart. 


	7. Chapter 7

When you really think about it, more than half of the things we see as issues in our relationships, could be solved if we just learn to speak the truth. Maybe love is easier than we think it is. Not the kind of easy that often makes people think of something being done effortlessly. The kind of easy that you have the innate ability to handle, if you’d actually use what you’ve already been given. We make love considerably harder than it needs to be. We make it especially hard when we keep trying to suppress what we feel. We make it especially hard when we expect people to understand all the things we want to, but never explicitly say. We may make it especially hard when we keep pretending that some things are okay when they are not. We make it especially hard when what we want is right there in front of us, and instead of finding ways to get it, we focus on all the things preventing us from having it.

She still hated surprises.

As much as she had been trying to learn to relinquish control and just let things happen, she was nowhere near letting go of her need to be aware of all things at all times. She had tried so many times during the evening to get Lauren to spill but she kept failing. Although Lauren wasn’t the best secret keeper, she could definitely remain tight lipped when she needed to. Lauren kept trying to tell her that this would be a night she’d never forget and all she needed to do was relax and not overthink anything. She would be able to, if she actually believed this was just going to be one of their regular Friday night sessions. If she were honest, nothing about their Friday nights were regular anyway. 

The weekly round up on Friday nights had become their thing. Years ago, when Lauren and Helen became friends, it would be just them. They had so many stories about how two single and successful women navigated the night scene in upscale New York that could never be told. They did some questionable things but swore each other to secrecy because if word got out, they (particularly Helen) were not sure how the people around them would take to that. Helen had this pristine reputation that she was fiercely protective of. There was a way she wanted to be viewed and she was certain that most people saw her that way.

Helen could fool a lot of people who often saw her as this cancer savior, neatly donned in designer clothing with perfect manners and the right mix of sass woven into her words. She was dearly beloved. Lauren knew better. It’s not that Helen was none of those things. She was. She was not a hypocrite by any standard. However, Lauren knew that what people often saw, wasn’t all she was. She knew knew fully well what Helen was capable of because Lauren was often the one instigating most of the trouble Helen found herself in. Being friends with Lauren made Helen less cultured and far less cautious than she’d typically be. If one thing was always certain in their relationship, being around Bloom would leave her with experience and stories to tell her children if they tried to dare outsmart her.

When they got into relationships with Reynolds and Muhammad, they’d often visit Bemelman’s Bar at the Carlyle Hotel in Manhattan. After Muhammad died and Lauren and Reynolds broke things off the first time around, Helen insisted they keep it up. She needed the company and neither of them wanted to be alone. Iggy first joined in on the action after Helen suggested he come for some much needed respite from his brood. He wasn’t a frequent flyer though. Many times he stood them up but on the Friday nights he graced them with his presence, it would be _exactly_ what they needed. Helen could never forget them having therapy sessions while tipsy because the only thing they could tell when alcohol was flooding their veins, was the truth. She would’ve never opened up like that unless a little disinhibited. That’s when she started becoming closer to Iggy. 

Kapoor was just some random addition because Iggy felt sorry for his older, widowed and lonely neurologist friend. At a glance, he’d never fit in, but something about him being there with them worked. His attendance was solely dependent on Iggy’s because he often warned that he could never keep up with Lauren and Helen once they started knocking drinks back. Kapoor, on his own, was a very peculiar and awkward man. When coupled with Iggy, they were the funniest. They often brought some levity to the seriousness that sometimes wanted to rear its ugly head and ruin the entire mood at the table. 

As soon as Lauren and Reynolds decided that they’d give their relationship another try, he returned to the table. Helen can’t say that being around him initially wasn’t weird for her because she knew _everything_ about their relationship. She sat on the floor of Lauren’s apartment holding her as she cried, more than once, over the state of her romantic relationship. Helen knew that Lauren loved Reynolds more than she could ever imagine. Not long after his engagement with Evie ended, he was back with Lauren. Helen honestly expected it. Lauren just couldn’t move on with anyone worthwhile after her and Reynolds ended. They had too much history. 

Somehow, their Friday night conversations would always veer into work territory. They couldn’t help it. At one point, they found themselves placing bets on how long the new medical directors would last. The Dam kept changing directors so frequently that it became this running joke between them. Not surprising but Helen often won the bet. Lauren still thinks that she had some insider information that the rest of them were never privy to. Helen could never forget the night she showed them a picture of Max before they placed bets on how long he’d last. 

Initially, Lauren was adamant that he should never be invited. For one, she thought the idea of Max attending a recipe for disaster. He was their boss and unknown to him, they all placed bets on how long the man would stay at New Amsterdam. The secret was bound to come out. Two years later and it’s clear that they were all wrong about him. Two, he had cancer and wouldn’t be able to drink in the first place making him the only completely sober person at the table. That meant he’d remember everything that happened and some things Lauren said needed to be forgotten. Eventually, she came around when she realized that Max was way cooler than any of the medical directors they ever had. The truth is, she now considered him a friend. She kept trying but failing miserably to successfully have him attend the round up. He stood her up one too many times. She can’t say that she didn’t understand his reasons. She mentioned it to him again that day in the E.D. when he was buying flats for Helen but she still couldn’t hold her breath for him to attend.

Although Helen and Lauren were close, she missed everything brewing between Max and Helen while she was in rehab. Helen never bothered to mention it, because as far as she was concerned, it was supposed to be meaningless. Max was married and she was with Panthanki. After the accident, Max was grieving and Lauren was recovering from her injuries so the timing never felt right to mention it. Consequently, she kept it to herself. Oddly, Lauren never really saw Max and Helen interact, especially outside of a professional setting, so there was a lot that she missed. But tonight, a lot of things were going to become very clear.

******

She was sitting at the table alone, bouncing her leg nervously, because for some odd reason she had a _very_ bad feeling about tonight. Maybe she was just anxious because she invited Max, not once but twice, to meet up with them. She wasn’t even sure he’d attend but the idea of them being seen together outside of work and in front of the group, particularly Lauren, had her wanting to vomit. She knew that everyone else, especially Iggy, was aware that they had some weird thing going on. She was also aware of how incredible it was that she was successfully able to hide their entire what-the-hell-are-we-to-each-other situation well from Lauren. She knew that the moment Lauren saw her and Max together, she’d have a lot of explaining to do. She took a gulp of her apple martini as she thought about it. She needed to be a little less sober before any of this happened. If it was going to happen anyway. 

That wasn’t her only fear. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she kept remembering Lauren mentioning that she had a surprise for her. The thought of it alone had her sympathetic nervous system in overdrive. Her palms were sweaty. She was perspiring so much that she had to take her blazer off. It was suddenly too hot. As much as she loved Lauren, she knew that her surprises often involved her ending up drunk or having some embarrassing story to tell. She had stories for ages about the trouble they often ran into in their younger, single years.

She sighed because she couldn’t believe that she was right back at square one being flooded with anxious thoughts. Anxious thoughts that involved Max Goodwin. Her emotions were like a yoyo, taking her from one extreme to the next. Everytime she got a grip on them, she lost it not too long after. She kept peddling back and forth between whether he loved her or not. She was just grateful that alcohol was a CNS depressant because she needed something to calm her nerves. She picked up her phone and that’s when she saw the messages from Kapoor and Iggy in their exclusive group chat.

_Kapoor @ 7:56 p.m._

_Rain check tonight. I’m not sure if I even used that in the right context. I would say it in Hindi but then you’d need that thing. <<message read>> _

_Lauren @ 7:57p.m._

_Google Translate gramps. <<message read>> _

_Kapoor @ 7:58 p.m._

_I feel like Ella will have this baby at any moment and I want to make sure I’m around. <<message read>> _

_Lauren @ 7:59 p.m._

_You better stay at home then. We’d enjoy tonight for you baldy. <<message read>> _

_Helen @ 8:00 p.m._

_Tell Ella I wish her a safe delivery when the baby comes. :) <<message read>> _ _  
_

_Iggy @ 8:01 p.m._

_What Helen said. I forgot that I promised Samaya movie night with daddy tonight. I have to commit. I’m on call tomorrow so I can’t promise to do it any other day. <<message read>> _

_Helen @ 8:02 p.m._

_:( But I need you here. In need of tipsy therapy. At least I think so._

_Lauren @ 8:03 p.m._

_You just might. *evil laugh*_

_Helen @ 8:04 p.m._

_I hate you._

_Iggy @ 8:05 p.m._

_I know but when you have children, you have to keep your promises. The psychological ramifications of repeatedly breaking promises are damning. They end up with trust issues and all that emotional trauma makes it difficult for them to have meaningful relationships. When you have kids you’d see what I mean._

_Lauren @ 8:06 p.m._

_Here we go._

_Iggy @ 8:07 p.m._

_*eye roll emoji*_

Helen couldn’t stop laughing and was about to reply when she heard someone clearing their throat near to her. That’s when she looked up and saw him. She was one hundred percent sure she was ogling but she honestly couldn’t help herself because…. _wow._ _How is he even capable of looking like this?_

“Hey,” he said nervously. 

“Hey,” she muttered, unable to get any proper sound out. 

She forgot what she was doing and turned down her phone. She wasn’t even sure if she was looking at the same person she saw earlier. Clothes, a shower and some gel could do a lot for a person. She didn’t want to make it obvious but she couldn’t help but scan him from head to toe. Maybe it was the fact that she was sitting down and he was standing but he just looked so much taller than usual. His hair was gelled to one side and the moment her eyes lowered to his beard she could tell that he went to have it groomed. She smirked to herself because he clearly had all the time in the world.

He had on a casual grey shirt with the sleeves rolled up. His biceps were just glaring at her. She saw him shirtless before when she fitted him for his radiation mask more than a year ago, but Max was definitely far healthier now. The shirt wasn’t that tight but it fit closely enough for her to see that he was definitely finding time to lift weights even while parenting Luna. His dark wash jeans fit perfectly and she was pleased that he had enough common sense to not perform the cardinal sin of having mismatched his shoes and belt. The smile just creeped up on her from nowhere and for a second, she was sure that she was actually blushing. She was _that_ mesmerized by him. Coming to her senses, she tried to contain her emotions. 

“So am I going to have to stand here or am I allowed to sit?” He passed his hand in his hair and she was silently cursing because she knew that he was fully aware that he looked good.

“Oh no, sorry. Please, sit,” she apologised, as she patted her hand on the seat next to her as an invitation to him. He scooted into the booth and sat (un)comfortably close to her. That’s when she smelled him.

_He is not serious right now._

She shifted in her seat and suddenly the restaurant and bar felt warmer than earlier. The cologne was familiar to her. She inhaled deeply, allowing her senses to roam free. The scent was so layered that initially, she wasn’t even sure what she was smelling. First, it was fruity which honestly wasn’t captivating. That’s the reason she didn’t pay it any mind until he was very close to her. As she inhaled a little deeper, she could smell undertones of vanilla and jasmine suddenly coming into focus and then a sharp, woody scent settled on her nasal hairs. It was sensual and for a moment, she forgot where she was and she could picture her head in the crook of his neck, her toned behind in the palm of his hands and their bodies pressed together as if that sea of confusion between them in her office weeks ago, was long forgotten. It turned her on that much and the dim lighting in the corner of the bar wasn’t helping her cause either. She was silently thankful that he didn’t wear that to work-especially that night in her office. She wasn’t sure that she would've been able to walk away from him as easily as she did. 

“I’m surprised you showed up,” she remarked, looking up at him as she tried to sip her apple martini. She really wanted to take the entire thing to the head but she was trying not to look like an alcoholic. 

“Well, I decided at the last minute to come,” he smirked, as he called the waiter over to order a glass of scotch.

_Liar. How could he even decide to come at the last minute and show up looking like this?_

“Where’s everyone anyway? Were you trying to get me to come on a,” he hesitated a little knowing exactly what wanted to come out of his mouth. Then, without more than a second thought, it rolled off his tongue almost awkwardly, in the Max Goodwin kind of way, but with so much desire exposing that deep down, he wanted it to be, “....a date?”

“Piss off.” She scoffed at him. He really thought he was that important.

He was almost offended by how quickly she came to defend that it wasn’t her intention. But there was this inkling that her defenses were only so loud because there was something there to protect in the first place-something she didn’t particularly want him to see. 

She felt the same. She wished this was a date-just them, alone but together.

“Helen Sharpe, I said that because of the way this looks,” he gestured between them. He was never one to call her by her entire name unless he was trying to make a salient point and prove he was being serious. Sometimes he wasn’t sure if she could see when he was actually being serious. 

She knew exactly how it looked and she was honestly cursing Bloom, Iggy, Reynolds and Kapoor in her head. Max had every right to think that this was a plot to get him alone but Helen knew that despite that desire she was trying to contain deep inside of her, that she wished it was a date, she wasn’t the kind of woman to make the first move anyway, especially with something this muddied between her and Max. She knew there was no way she and Max would ever go out on a date if she were the one to ask. She always enjoyed being chased but Max had been the most confusing person she ever had any vested interest in to date. Sometimes, he chased after her, quite literally, and other times she thought that he was so comfortable with what they were that he couldn’t be bothered. The signals had _always been_ mixed. 

That’s why this unnamed thing between them, that flowed like a gushing stream of water that she couldn’t control, had been the cause of so much undue stress and anxiety. Because whatever it was between her and Max, conveniently flowed into every category other than the one she really wanted it to. She could go from being his coffee provider to being his shoulder to lean on, to his confidant, to his daughter’s party planner and now to his ?date, in mere hours. It never stopped. It never fit any definite boundary. And perhaps, that was the issue in and of itself. It needed to be this one thing, this _one_ _definite_ thing, to make everything else make sense. To create boundaries where there are none. To make them stop saying things without really saying the one thing to each other that matters, “I absolutely love you and I want you.” 

_Whatever. He’s with Alice. And he’s still wearing his ring._

“Well before you get any crazy ideas _Max Goodwin,”_ she emphasised before continuing, _“_ This is anything but a date. Reynolds’ surgery ran longer than he expected. Lauren is waiting on him. Kapoor is at home with Ella. She might give birth at any moment.” Helen squirmed, as she whispered the last sentence to Max. As much as she still wanted to be a mum, she wasn’t entirely sure how she’d handle giving birth. Her pain threshold was low.

He was surprised she actually said his full name. “You said my full name. Am I in trouble?” he asked with flirtatious undertones. 

_Why the hell is he flirting with me right now?_

“It depends. Anyway, Iggy promised Sam some daddy time so he’s not coming.”

“I guess it’s just you and me until then.”

_God help me._

“It’s just you and me,” she repeated cautiously.

“You look nice by the way,” he confessed.

“Thanks,” she replied blushing. She honestly felt like an idiot for blushing because he told her the same thing earlier. He always had this effect on her that made her emotions so hard to control. She had always been so good at keeping herself in check until he came into her life. He really had tsunami like tendencies. 

“You know I saw you in this earlier at work and although I was _so_ tired, I remember thinking that this didn’t really strike me as something you’d wear.”

She looked at him confused, waiting patiently for him to ruin the moment. He tried to save face quickly. “It’s not that it was bad. It’s actually great,” he clarified, taking her in while he unconsciously licked the tiny drop of scotch off his bottom lip.

“I just knew that it had to have some wow factor for you to wear it and now that the jacket thing you wore earlier is off, I see it.”

"You mean my blazer?" she questioned.

"Yea, that."

“You’re lucky you saved yourself.”

“What were you going to do? Bite my head off?”

“Something like that,” she joked, winking at him.

Interrupting the awkward silence between them, Helen turned her phone over to see an incoming FaceTime call. The bar was crowded so asking to be excused wasn’t even an option. She decided to just answer right next to Max when she saw who it was. 

“Could you just excuse me?”

“Yea, sure thing.”

She moved a little distance from him in the booth and hesitantly answered the phone call. 

“Mum.”

“Hey! Why do you sound like that? I want to see you. Turn on your video thing.”

“Mum this isn’t exactly a good time. Wait, what time is it anyway?”

“2am BST.”

“What are you doing up so late?”

“Couldn’t sleep. You’d think after all these years of marriage your dad’s snoring wouldn’t wake me. I’m drinking tea. Turn the video on. I want to see your gorgeous face so I could remember what I looked like thirty years ago.”

Helen didn’t want to but she knew trying to cut her mum off would be an impossible feat. She’d have to explain too much and she was already feeling terrible for having such bad manners FaceTiming her mum while she was sitting next to Max. She reluctantly turned the video on. She forgot her AirPods at the office so Max was going to hear everything her mum had to say.

She was hoping her mum wouldn’t say anything out of the way but deep down she knew better. Her mum, by Helen’s estimation, had no filter and she spoke the truth so unapologetically that you’d either take it or leave it. One thing Helen always valued about her mum, was the fact that everyone around her knew where they stood with her. There was never any reason for ambiguity in any of her mum’s relationships. She wished she could boast of the same in her personal life. 

Max suddenly heard this thick, posh British accent and he smiled to himself. He didn’t realize, until now, how much Helen lost that distinct British accent she used to have when he first met her. Helen definitely didn’t sound like her mum at all. Helen had this accent that at its core was British but had been polished with evidence that she was now living in America for some time.

“You look nice dear. You’re showing a lot of skin.”

“I’m an adult mum. Sometimes I like to dress this way,” Helen responded dryly as she took another sip of her third drink for the night. 

“Where are you anyway?”

“It’s Friday night.”

Phillis’ hand flew to her mouth and Helen knew the apology was coming.

“I forgot babe. I’m sorry. Where’s Lauren? Tell her aunt Phil says hi.” Forgetting didn’t make Phillis take a hint. 

“She’s not here.”

Phillis loved Lauren immensely. There were times Helen thought Lauren came from her mother’s womb and not her.

“You’re drinking alone?” her mum asked, almost concerned.

“No, I’m not.” Helen sighed because she knew where this was going.

“So who’s there with you?”

“Max.”

Max’s antenna went up the moment he heard his name. He wasn’t sure if Helen ever mentioned him to her mum but if she did, then he knew he was very important to her- more than she’d like him to know. 

“Max? As in the handsome bloke who drives you crazy the same way I drive your dad crazy?”

Max almost choked on his scotch hearing Phillis’ description of him. He didn’t expect it and quite frankly, he loved the fact that her mum compared his and Helen’s relationship to her seemingly successful marriage. Maybe, there was a lot of potential between him and Helen after all, to have something long lasting although they were opposite in many ways. 

“I wouldn’t exactly call him handsome. When you get to actually know him, handsome is not the word that comes to mind,” Helen rebutted, trying to mask her embarrassment. She was thinking of so many other ways to describe him-the thorn in her side, the stick up her butthole, the itch she can’t scratch. In other words, he was nothing short of annoying. But it was the kind of annoying she really didn’t want to be without. 

“No, I distinctly remember us having a conversation about how handsome he is. And you went on and on about how much he first struck you that day in the atrium. I might be old but my memory isn’t.”

_Lauren was right. This is a night I won’t forget._

Max, coming to her rescue, took that as his cue to interject. He wanted to show Phillis his handsome face. 

“Don’t be rude, Helen. Turn the video so your handsome friend could say hi.”

_Friend? I guess that’s who he is._

“Yes, I want to see this Max fellow.”

Helen had her face in her hands as she unwillingly handed Max the phone. He had this smug grin on his face, as he passed his hand in his hair before taking it from her. As soon as he brought the camera up to his face, Helen could hear her mum’s comment and picture the excitement on her face even at that absolutely ridiculous hour in London. 

“ _You_ are Max?! My daughter is such a liar. You’re not just handsome. You are disgustingly handsome! Are you sure you’re not a model?”

Helen didn’t even have to look at him to know his face was becoming flushed. Max loved compliments although he wasn’t the best at giving them. Such a hypocrite! The only words he knew were ‘beautiful’ and ‘nice.’ She sometimes wondered if he ever sat the SATs because he had the vocabulary of a two year old. 

“Thanks. I feel like you’re overreacting. Because if anyone is drop dead gorgeous here, it’s you Mrs. Sharpe. Now I know where Helen gets it from.” 

Helen was rolling her eyes because if she let them be, they’d have this back and forth for hours. She didn’t even realize that she should make the association that “drop dead gorgeous” would also describe what he thinks of her. Max and her mum had a similar temperament-they knew how to annoy people and were ridiculously relentless. They’d get along great. She always knew that and while it excited her, it also scared her for a lot reasons. She knew her mum would love him so much that she’d become chopped liver and everything would be, “How’s Max? Where’s Max? Did Max eat today Helen? Did you have sex with him Helen? I hope you did and you showed him how British women do it!”

Forgetting her manners, Helen grabbed the phone from Max’s hand and quickly apologized to her mum. She told her that they’d talk tomorrow, ending the call.

“That was rude,” he murmured.

“Yea, sorry about that. But the two of you together are a bad combination.”

“You’re just scared,” he admitted.

“Of what?” she snapped back.

“The truth,” he replied without thinking. 

“I’m not,” she denied.

“Prove it,” he challenged her. 

The room suddenly felt small and it was just the two of them. The ocean between them where all their mixed feelings were floating around completely untouched, seemed to have a strong current, pulling all the things beneath the surface to the top. He kept staring at her and neither of them were blinking. She could see him swallowing hard as his Adams’ apple shifted up and down every few seconds. Feeling uneasy, he momentarily shifted his gaze to find her gripping on to her glass for dear life. He was so sure that the force exerted by her fingers would have it crumbling into worthless shards not before long. This felt like the moment where everything was coming to a head. The elephant in the room couldn’t be ignored anymore. They were going to say it, all of it. The frustration they were both feeling was going to drive them to just speak the unadulterated truth. They both opened their mouth simultaneously to just let the truth hit the air. Maybe it was the fact that the alcohol was coursing through their veins and they weren’t thinking straight. But something _needed_ to be said. They needed to live up to the expectation of this moment. 

“I…,” they said in unison, while locking eyes with each other as an intense warmth filled the space around them. Their passions were burning so hot that it was just demolishing their reservations, and Alice and his ring no longer existed. They didn’t care anymore what would happen after they said it. It just needed to be said, right now.   
  
They both blinked, and just as quickly they heard her, as her words desperately tried to pull them away from their moment. 

“I’m sorry for being late. Don’t blame me. Blame him,” Lauren warned, pointing in Reynolds’ direction, preparing to force Helen to move over. 

Max and Helen were still in another place, almost grappling to hold on to what they knew they were losing. They were trying to find their focus again and maybe if they ignored the commotion and stared at each other, they could will away the reality that this wasn’t their time. This wasn’t the time for them to realize that love is easier if the truth is spoken.

“Uh, earth to Max and Helen,” Lauren leaned over snapping her fingers between them.

The current eased. The warmth was replaced by the cold central air. The elephant stood still and though obvious, remained unnoticed in the corner. The lines remained blurred. The feelings went unspoken. The confusion remained.

“Uh, sorry. It’s the liquor. It’s getting to me,” Helen apologized, shifting in her seat to create some space between her and Max. It’s clear that the edge was off but she was still _very_ sober. 

“Getting older are we?”

She rolled her eyes at Lauren before saying, “shut up.”

“By the way, is this your surprise? Being ridiculously late?”

“No. Not in the least. I had some stuff to take care of,” Lauren said suggestively.

Helen could see Reynolds looking away the moment he heard Lauren mention that.

“You had sex before you came. Not surprised,” Helen responded dryly. She knew Lauren better than anyone else did, even Reynolds. Max got up and gave Reynolds a bounce as a seal of approval. He was just elated that Reynolds was finally happy, although he had no idea how he could even handle the wildfire that was Lauren Bloom.

“Wait, I’m only now coming to my senses. What are _you_ doing here?” Lauren gestured toward Max.

“Helen invited me.”

“So, let me get this straight.”

Max immediately started massaging his temples because he was feeling a dull ache in his head and heart from the let down that occurred just moments before. Lauren was about to ramble about something he really wished he didn’t have to hear. 

“I invited you multiple times and you never attended, but Helen invites you and all of a sudden you show up here looking like you belong on the front cover of GQ magazine? Well now I know not to waste my time anymore!” Lauren was loud and embarrassing. It was hard to believe that this was her, completely sober.

“Forget Max,” Helen waived off. Forgetting Max was _exactly_ what she was trying to do at the moment but she could still feel her heart racing, her palms sweaty and the room closing in on her. She needed a distraction if she was going to make it through the night.

_Liquor. I just need some more liquor._

”Where’s that surprise you had for me? I’d like it very much if we can just get it out of the way so I could enjoy what’s left of this night.”

Helen didn’t even know why she was suddenly craving that night when she was so drunk that she vomited in the back of that Uber. That’s how hammered she wanted to be right now, because everything in her mind was one confuzzled mess and his freaking cologne still wasn’t helping her.

Lauren shifted to her left and in a million years, that was not Helen expected. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is different compared to the rest of the story. It’s less poetic and descriptive than I typically write. It’s filled with dialogue because there was a lot that I needed to get across. I hope you enjoy it all the same.

She had her eyes locked on them and she was so shocked that she could barely get any sound out. Under normal circumstances, nothing about their presence would throw her off this much. But with everything that happened that day, that happened mere moments ago, that could’ve happened between her and Max but didn't, she didn’t need another distraction. She didn’t need another thing to increase the awkward tension that was already brewing between her and Max. She didn’t need her attention being split in so many different places that she wouldn’t be able to focus on just one thing, or let alone, one person at a time. She didn’t need the pressure of trying to control her untamed affection for Max under another watchful eye. 

She suddenly felt like she was backed into a corner and she had no idea what she’d do. She had to do something because chaos was about to ensue. She didn’t want to even look at him. She knew Max was probably just as surprised as she was by their presence. She knew that the wheels in his head were churning and he was trying to make sense of not just the last few minutes, but everything she ever said about the person. She wished she could just turn to him and explain….

_Why do I even need to explain myself? We are not together._

She felt like she needed to remind herself of that. She wished it wasn't true but it was a fact. She and Max were not together. Replaying the facts over and over is what she taught herself to do. In the midst of chaos, the only thing she could rely on was her logic to solve the unsolvable, to make sense of the mess and to find her an escape. Her heart be damned. She needed to put on a brave face and deal with it. Suddenly, the light bulb went off and it sparked some courage within her to just stand as she said to him, “Fancy seeing you here.” A warm smile greeted her in return and Helen did what only she could do best in that moment-be the queen of composure. 

But, the night was young, their secrets were hidden, their interaction wasn’t yet seen. Even the person with the most self-restraint in the world, couldn’t deal with the gasoline Lauren would bring to add the fiery tension heating up the room between her, Max…..

…….and now, Cassian.

*****

“Yea, Lauren invited me.”

“And you came,” Helen said, in a way that masked the fact that she wasn’t simply stating the obvious. She was actually questioning his presence. 

“I did. I had a heck of a call and I needed to unwind. Lauren randomly saw me in the E.D. this evening and suggested I come hang out with you guys. I decided it was far better to drink with a group than alone, so I came.”

“Oh, I see.”

He narrowed his eyes to her features, before sporting that exceptionally smug grin on his face that Helen sometimes found annoying because it reminded her of Max. 

“You’re trying to hide it but I can see that I did take you by surprise. I hope I wasn’t interrupting anything.” 

For someone who had known her for mere weeks, Cassian could always see through her as if she had no walls up. She still wasn’t sure why he was so bloody perceptive. She was suddenly trying to think about the way her face looked. Maybe she needed to relax the tension in her brows a little or wipe her moist palms on her pants. Maybe she needed to smile a bit to mask the discomfort and anxiety she was feeling but trying hard not to show. 

She turned to Max as if she wanted his approval to correct Cassian and say that he didn’t in fact interrupt anything. Max’s face was giving away everything his mind was grappling with. She could see the flash of concern in his eyes, the questions on the tip of his tongue and the tension pulling the corners of his lips into a subtle frown. Instead of speaking his truth that jealousy was already knocking at his heart’s door ready to consume him, he said, “you interrupted nothing at all.” His words stung and she knew it was the very thing she was about to say to Cassian herself, but to hear him say it hurt her, because _was nothing really happening a few minutes ago_? To her it was something and if they weren’t interrupted, it would’ve been everything-everything they were hopefully both waiting for. This was the nature of their relationship-one step forward and ten steps back. 

She didn’t have time to even ruminate on it when Lauren rescued them with her words.

“Okay, let’s break this up and get liquored up,” Lauren exclaimed, as she moved her hands to indicate that they sit down. Helen released some of her inner frustration in roaring laughter as if she didn’t know Lauren to be so humorous. Max looked at her, shook his head and they exchanged the first genuine smile with each other since Cassian arrived. Somehow, they could always find some normalcy even when nothing normal was happening around them or in them. 

_Maybe tonight won’t be so bad after all,_ she thought as she took a seat. As soon as she came to her senses and realized where she was seated, her mind shouted at her…. _wrong!_

She was sitting in the middle of Max and Cassian. She could feel Max sitting a lot closer to her than earlier, almost as if he was trying to mark off his territory. In Max’s mind, Helen was his and she was off limits. Their legs were touching and maybe if he didn’t still have her slightly convinced he was with Alice, he’d have his hand on her lap. That gesture alone would convey to Cassian that there is something between him and Helen, and he doesn’t even stand a chance. He got here first and by God, he’s going to have her in the end. But he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t go that far. There were already so many mixed signals between them. He had to play it safe, as safe as he possibly could, without Helen seeing him as unfaithful.

Cassian was a lot more chill about the entire thing. He believed there was nothing to compete for. Helen told him that there was no one else and he had never seen Helen and Max interact. All he needed to do was be himself and hopefully, that would be enough for Helen to see that going on an actual date with him alone, would be worth it. He liked her and he couldn’t help but be drawn to her.

Being that close to her, he got lost in the way she laughed as Lauren made some silly joke again. He watched the way her eyes got smaller and the gold highlight on her cheeks glimmered in the dimly lit room. While everyone else was lost in Lauren’s mayhem, he started counting the crows feet flanking her eyes and he took notice of the way her hands found his, as she held onto him while she was in a fit of laughter. She wasn’t even aware what she was doing but subconsciously, she kept touching him, almost as a reassurance that she did want him near her. Her body was doing exactly what she said earlier-forgetting Max.

“Okay guys, enough of my silly jokes. Clearly, I’m entertaining,” Lauren stated, exposing her arrogance.

“Babe….” Reynolds grumbled, knowing where it was going. Once Lauren began to let loose, there was no stopping her.

“I love you,” she rebutted, as an apology of sorts for everything she knew she was going to do tonight. She pulled him in for a kiss and silenced him. He merely shook his head because he knew this was exactly how it always started. 

“Anyway, Cassian, welcome to the table. Max, are you going to behave?”

Max squinted at Lauren almost ready to give her a few choice words but he decided against it. It was such a Lauren thing to do, to call out the obvious. She was the opposite of everyone at the table. She would read the room correctly and _still_ choose to make things ten times worse than it needed to be. 

“The only thing I know how to do is behave,” he winked at her.

“You’re trying to be funny. Keep it up. It’s working,” Lauren said sarcastically. She knew exactly what he was doing but she decided to let it slide.

“Max and I are fine by the way. He apologised. We’re good,” Cassian defended.

Helen sighed with relief because she wasn’t about to get into the middle of some stupid disagreement between them over a difference in personality and philosophy or worse yet, her. She turned to Max and smiled and reached to touch him tenderly, as a sign that she was actually proud of him for doing so. Lauren didn’t miss their exchange but she decided to let it be what it was. 

“At the round up we always do this thing where you order a drink for the person sitting to your left. So, in case all of you highly educated people forgot which direction your left is…”

The entire table erupted in laughter because no one expected her to say that. Max knew his sense of direction was terrible so maybe that’s why it tickled him. Helen couldn’t help it because she instantly remembered giving Max directions in his early days at the Dam, and how often he got lost. It was something they still joked about. Neither of them knew that they were laughing at the same thing. Cassian and Reynolds were laughing because they just couldn’t get over how easy it was for Lauren to be the life of the party.

“...that means I’d guess babe’s drink. He’d guess yours Max. You’d guess Helen’s. Helen would guess Cassian’s and well, Cassian, today is your lucky day, you’d guess mine.”

“Fine. I’m cool with it,” Cassian replied confidently.

“Why are you so confident?” Helen questioned, intrigued by his response.

“Because, I'm never scared to do something even if I make a complete fool of myself.”

His eyes pierced her and she wasn’t sure what was happening but something about him was proving to be so bloody captivating that she was feeling something strange-desire for someone other than Max. 

“Maybe you could teach me how to be that way.”

Helen wasn’t even thinking. The words just rolled off her tongue. She didn’t think about Max and what he’d think or feel. Cassian had her attention now.

“I would if you’d let me.”

She chuckled because she knew exactly what he meant. Typically, she’d comeback with some flirtatious comment but instead, she gave him this smile with a slight uptick of her left eyebrow fueling the hope within him that someday, she’d gladly take him up on his offer. 

The table was silent and Lauren was sitting watching Helen get her spunk back as some proud friend who had been praying she’d find it again. This was exactly what Lauren wanted by inviting Cassian anyway. Her plan was working and she suddenly felt like she was reliving that moment a few years ago, when she plotted to get Helen and Muhammad together.

“Break it up lovebirds,” Lauren interrupted, catching the disappointment plastered on Max’s face. Lauren called the waiter over to begin their drink orders. 

“I’d start. Because Reynolds is my man, he’d have a Jack and coke,” she said confidently.

“See, now that’s not fair. You’d obviously know what he likes to drink,” Max argued.

“He has a point,” Helen agreed.

“Oh, so you’re agreeing with Max now?” Lauren challenged as she narrowed her eyes.

Helen immediately changed the subject.

“Reynolds, your turn.”

“For Max, a gin and tonic on the rocks,” Reynolds asserted.

“My man,” Max said, bouncing him as a sign of his approval.

“That’s also not fair but I digress,” Helen countered.

“Helen, hmmm.”

Max started staring at the menu in deep contemplation. He knew _exactly_ what she liked to drink but he didn’t want to make it obvious that they knocked a few drinks back, after work, in her office before. 

“Vesper, shaken not stirred,” he mumbled as though he was unsure of himself.

Helen was fighting the smile that was creeping up on her face because she remembered the story of how she came to tell him that was her I-had-a-hell-of-a-week-and-I-need-to-get-drunk-fast drink of choice. She could never forget the look on his face when he heard her say it. 

“Time out. No one who _ever_ came to this table has ever guessed that right. It took me a long time to figure out that a Vesper is Helen’s drink of choice to get legless quickly. How the hell did you know that?”

“I guessed. Are you sure you’re her best friend Lauren?” Max teased.

“I will never be dethroned. Just so you know,” Lauren warned.

“Sure about that?” Max probed.

Helen instantly pinched Max’s leg to tell him to calm down because the one person he shouldn’t dare challenge was Lauren Bloom. She’d have him eating his words in less than five minutes when she put his business out there. Helen quickly interrupted because if she left them, Lauren and Max would go back and forth for hours.

“You’d have a Macallan 25, straight up,” Helen said, turning towards Cassian. 

He chuckled. “Why?”

“Do you always have to ask why?”

“I’m just curious. You make my curiosity get the better of me.”

It was taking every bit of self-restraint for Max to not end their meaningless banter. He was so tired of Cassian pretending to be this mysterious and over-confident guy that could possibly win over Helen. 

“Because you’re strong and confident. You won’t drink mixed drinks because what you see is what you get. I could tell you have nothing to hide.”

Helen had this blank expression on her face and she didn’t once blink or turn her eyes away from him. Cassian didn’t even have a comeback. She profiled him correctly and he was so enamored with how sure she seemed to be of what she was saying. 

“For Lauren, a piña colada.”

The moment Helen heard his words she threw her head back laughing because she knew Lauren would have something dumb to say. Lauren hated pina coladas. She didn’t understand who sat one day, completely bored out of their mind, and decided that pineapple juice and coconut cream deserved to go together in some slushy drink. It was something she hated with every bone in her body.

“Do you know what it feels like to be uninvited?” Lauren glared at him.

“What? I’m just playing. You’re not sweet like a piña colada,” he concluded. He wanted to tease her just a little bit more.

She turned to Reynolds before saying, “babe, do I have permission to knock him out? I need to know because you’d have to bail me out of jail.”

Cassian couldn’t stop laughing at how offended she was by his joke. He could tell that Lauren was a complete softie, though she had a tough exterior.

“I’m just playing. She’d have a cosmopolitan. She’s a little sour, sometimes sweet but always refreshing.”

“You’re officially back in my good graces. I quite enjoy them. It helps me channel my inner ‘Sex and the City.”

“Okay, Carrie Bradshaw,” Max quipped, unable to let that moment slide. 

They fell into easy conversation as they started drinking and Helen finally let her guard down to believe that tonight wouldn’t be so bad. She should’ve known better because as soon as Lauren tasted liquor, she would become that much more unfiltered.

“Helen do you remember that night when Reynolds and I just got together and he couldn’t even guess what I wanted to drink?”

“I can’t forget. You made such a big deal about it!” Helen reminisced.

“Because it was a big deal. How could he know to give me what I want exactly how I want it but not know what liquor I drink?” Lauren said with a quizzical expression on her face. In her mind, that made no sense.

“Why does everything have to be about sex with you?”

“I’m right here by the way,” Reynolds said as Helen as Lauren continued their back and forth.

They both ignored him.

“Right, coming from miss-I-like-to-have-public-sex,” Lauren scoffed.

Cassian turned to Helen instantly to catch the horror written all over her face. Her composure had been long forgotten with that one statement. Max could very well believe it but something about Lauren publicly calling Helen out like that had him taking his third G&T to the head in one gulp. 

_So she is exactly as I thought she is._

Helen pushed her foot to Lauren’s side of the table and kicked her so hard that Lauren shrieked, “ouch!”

“I do not enjoy having public sex,” Helen defended as if she could somehow save her reputation. Max, especially, already had an idea of the kind of person she’d be if they were to get sexually involved. He knew she had this public persona that many people were often fooled by but he could easily tell, that she was the kind of woman who’d be down for almost anything.

“I have the receipts Helen. I have the receipts,” Lauren divulged and Helen wished the ground would open up and swallow her whole. 

“Public sex Helen?” Max whispered into Helen’s ear so unassumingly that _almost_ no one noticed.

“We are not having this conversation, _boss_ ,” Helen muttered underneath her breath.

“I’ve _never_ been your boss and we both know that. Although….never mind.”

“By the way, I saw a weird stain on your couch recently,” he teased. 

“You didn’t because I haven’t had sex in-”

The moment Helen realized what she was about to say, she stopped herself. Max fought to keep his emotions in check but he really just wanted to burst out in laughter. In his mind, he wanted to be the one to end her dry spell.

“Let’s spare Helen the embarrassment.”

“Gee, thanks. I’m so very honored by your care and concern for me,” Helen snarled, rolling her eyes at Lauren.

“Cassian, since you’re new here, tell us something about yourself. I don’t know you but I really like your vibe.”

“Well, I’m an open book. What do you want to know?”

“Weight? Height? B.M.I.? Ever been married? Kids? Social Security Number? Life insurance? 401K? What do you value the most? What are you the most scared of? Do you think Helen is attractive? Have you asked her out yet?”

Helen’s eyes popped open hearing Lauren’s interrogation. This is why she secretly hated when Lauren was her wing woman. Her chances of getting laid were often slim to none. Lauren’s personality was so big that it scared most men off. Nothing about Lauren’s questions surprised Max and quite frankly, he was happy she was so forward. He wanted to see Cassian handle her.

“Babe,” Reynolds said, trying to get Lauren to pipe down. He knew it was useless but he had to try. Helen kicked Lauren under the table again in an attempt to get her to come to her senses, but everything Lauren was doing was actually deliberate. She wasn’t going to stop because she didn’t want to. 

“Reynolds, God bless you,” Cassian said, as he bowed his head graciously. 

“Wait, what does that even mean?” Lauren inquired. 

“It’s something we say in South Korea. Don’t worry about it.”

“Right and my mother’s name is Eunice.”

“But it isn’t,” Reynolds clarified, confused by the entire exchange.

“Babe, I love you but keep up,” Lauren said, pressing a kiss against Reynolds’ lips. 

Lauren was fully aware that Cassian was implying that he didn’t know how Reynolds even dealt with her wildfire. They seemed to be opposite in every way but it was clear that Reynolds had accepted that he was in love with someone who had no filter. 

Cassian started without any hesitation or hint of fear in his words. He made eye contact with Lauren as he said assuredly, “180lbs. 175cm. You can calculate that yourself. I can’t do Math well. I’m living proof that the Asian math genius stereotype is false,” he chortled, raising his hands unashamedly.

He earned a laugh from Lauren who was warming up to him more and more. 

_Gosh, he’s so easy going._ Helen was raptured watching him match Lauren’s wit and charm.

He continued, “Nope. Not one. I’d tell you but I’d have to kill you. Honesty. Nothing in particular. From the first day I met her. She does this thing where she tries to be serious but you could see her resolve crumbling. She tries hard not to wear her emotions on her sleeve but very few people could see it. I see it.”

He pulled his eyes away from Lauren for the first time and turned to look at Helen as he repeated, “I see it.”

Helen looked at Cassian and shook her head from side to side. She didn’t understand why he was that way. He was just so terribly confident when he spoke that she couldn’t even doubt his words. He seemed so trustworthy because everything he said was drenched in so much sincerity. He was this breath of fresh air that she didn’t even know she needed. She knew what it would be like with him. She knew that she wouldn’t have to dance around her feelings or be too careful. She knew he could handle anything, even the hard truths she wouldn’t ever want to face. He’d be a person she could rely on and he didn’t even know it but feeling safe was something she needed in a relationship. She couldn’t ever be with someone who would have her second guessing herself or their relationship.

Max was in the corner rolling his eyes at the entire exchange because Cassian didn’t say anything special. To him, Cassian came across as pretentious and too good to be true. He couldn’t believe that he was as good as he put forth himself to be.

“To answer your last question, I have asked her out. She keeps blowing me off. She told me there’s no one else but I think there is.”

“There is no one else,” she defended instantly, without even thinking twice about it. She sounded so sure of what she was saying that she convinced herself of the lie. There was no one else. There she was again, just as confused as she had been in the last few weeks. She wasn’t sure if she should entertain the thought of Max as her “someone else.” Despite all that could’ve happened or would’ve happened between them tonight, he still had on his ring. He was still with Alice. She had to remind herself of the only reality she needed to believe-Max wasn’t hers and by logic, Max could never be her “someone else.”

Max was sitting next to her fiddling with his glass completely lost in his thoughts. Hearing her say that hurt him. He felt like someone pulled his heart out of his chest with their bare hands, rupturing every blood vessel and ligament connected to it. He was sitting at the table exsanguinating in his grief, over a love that he never fully owned. He couldn’t understand how Helen could say it so confidently, knowing he was sitting right next to her. He thought he was her person. He thought they were on the edge of something just an hour ago. He thought that all their flirting meant that there was something more between them, that merely needed the acknowledgement of their words to come to the surface. Maybe he didn’t know her as well as he thought he did. Maybe everything about their relationship was some figment of his imagination and he needed to catch up to a new reality. She didn’t want him. She didn’t love him. She didn’t need him.

Helen could feel the distance between them although she was still sitting right next to him. She focused her energy on her right leg and realized that his left leg was no longer touching hers. There was no territory for him to mark off. She couldn’t take back what she said. She should feel wrong about it but a part of her didn’t want to take it back. She was becoming more and more tired and she needed Max to give her some kind of guarantee that he wanted the same thing she did. She had none. She was just going on instinct. Instinct that never once led her astray but she, because of Max, had come to repeatedly question. 

Cassian’s question brought her back to her present reality.

“So why do you keep blowing me off?”

“Because….”

That stubborn part of her that often felt helpless to Max, was starting to feel immense guilt over her dismissal of him, and she suddenly didn’t want to answer Cassian.

“Yea, Helen. Why do you keep blowing him off?” Lauren questioned.

“Because winning me over is _never_ that easy. I don’t just like words, I like action.”  
  
Max heard her. She didn’t just want him to say it. He needed to show her that he wanted her. He needed to show it by ending things with Alice. He needed to show it by removing his ring. What was the point of confessed feelings if they couldn’t act on it? Was she just supposed to know he loves her and wants her but still watch him drag his past around? They could never have a future if he didn’t know how to deal with his past. She already went through enough. She took her time and went through the painful process of healing after she lost Muhammad. She knew Max wasn’t ready for her mentally or emotionally. She knew she deserved someone who was whole and available to love her completely. She needed Max to be clear and forthcoming about his intentions, much like Cassian had been from the very start. She didn’t have time to be pulled and tugged in so many different directions. She was just becoming so very tired. She could feel the tension in her trapezius muscles and the constant throb near her temples. _This_ is why she hated to think about them. She knew that she’d just keep spiraling with thought after thought and somehow, she’d be one step closer to convincing herself to just let….him…..go. But could she?

“Maybe I’m not your type,” Cassian responded with disdain. His confident demeanor was suddenly so small, facing the giant of concern that maybe, he was fighting for someone who didn’t want him in the first place.

“What? I don’t have a type,” Helen rebutted. She was surprised she was still able to keep up with the conversation while her mind raced with all these thoughts. The frustration was building and she had no release. She really wanted to get away and she couldn’t even help but steal glances at Max. His naked eyes, almost glassy with tears, bore a sudden flash of regretful longing like he had missed his moment. 

“Shut up. You have a type.” Lauren defended.

_Two years ago….._

_“I come bearing gifts. Had to make up for being tardy,” Helen huffed out as she sat at their table with a portfolio in her hands._

_“Liquor?” questioned Lauren._

_“Fine, I’d buy two rounds since I’m late.”_

_“That’s what I like to hear,” Iggy said laughing._

_“Apology accepted bestie,” Lauren affirmed, winking at Helen._

_Helen placed her hands on the portfolio with such a dramatic expression on her face that she felt as though she was this angel with a halo all around her._

_“I was late because I had to get this portfolio about the new medical director.”_

_“Who is he? I’m sure it is a man. This place is so damned prejudiced. Helen, you should’ve been medical director already.”_

_“Lauren, not the time,” Helen chided, refusing to open that can of worms._

_“But yes, it is a man, unfortunately. Not just any man though. His name is Max Goodwin.”_

_“Wait, there is that glint in your eyes. Iggy, do you see it?” Lauren said, tapping Iggy on his shoulders then pointing her aim at Helen to show him exactly where she was seeing it._

_“What? I cannot see a thing,” Iggy groaned. He didn’t even bother to look. He knew that was some crazy thing between Laren and Helen that he’d never understand._

_“Anyway, are you going to let us see him? We’ve been waiting. I just want to cast my bet about how long he’d last,” Iggy demanded, becoming increasingly weary of Helen and Lauren’s theatrics._

_“Fine. Here he is,” Helen replied, as she turned the portfolio so Iggy and Lauren could read it._

_“Whoa! If Reynolds and I weren’t on the rocks I’d have a go at him.”_

_“We know,” Helen and Iggy said in unison, already knowing what Lauren was implying._

_“Actually, on second thought, he’s more your type Helen,” Lauren clarified._

_Helen bit her lip watching the picture of Max intently. He had on a white coat on top of his blue scrubs. She assumed that he’d be easy going because he couldn't be bothered to be pictured in a three piece Armani suit, unlike the other medical directors, that barely lasted any time at the Dam. She noticed his eyes and how honest they were and she could tell he’d be one to advocate for patients. Maybe the aspect of his job that required him to charm people and make money wouldn’t matter as much to him. She knew instantly that her Dr. Helen persona would be a point of contention between them if her instinct about him was right. She saw his smile and she could see this subtle pain on his face and she knew he had a story to tell._

_Maybe he was her type-presumably charming yet down to earth with honest eyes but still a mystery._

“Max is Helen’s type. Whip smart but acts like a fool, devastatingly handsome but pretends not to be, taller than she is, personable, persuasive and a smooth talker. If life was different, I’d think you two would’ve had something by now. Crazy to think it never happened,” Lauren declared, clearly seeing the awkwardness between them.  
  
“We prefer to keep our relationship professional,” Max quickly stated.

“You should never mix work with pleasure,” Helen added. 

“We’re still learning how to separate that,” Reynolds mentioned. So many of his arguments with Lauren happened when she would page him for consults in the E.D.

“It’s tough but when you really love someone, you’d find a way to make it work, no matter how hard it may get,” Lauren emphasized as she lovingly watched Floyd.

Max and Helen were suddenly wondering if maybe they were willing to give up on each other too soon. They weren’t even there yet but the journey to get there was proving to be so damn difficult.

“Anyway, bathroom break. Helen, let’s go. You guys can talk among yourselves.”

Helen reluctantly got up from her seat. She knew that Lauren always used the bathroom break as an excuse for them to have a powwow and talk about everything that happened at the table. They could FaceTime but Lauren preferred to gossip in person. 

******

Pushing the bathroom door wide open, Lauren took a seat on the bench, as she rested her third drink for the night, on the counter. Helen didn’t even bother to call her out on bringing alcohol to the restroom of all places. Deep down she knew she’d be knocking it back once Lauren started confronting her.

“Why do you look like that?” Lauren asked as she reached into her bag for her lipstick.

“I’m fine,” Helen dismissed.

“No, you’re not. Your mood took a nosedive somewhere around the moment Cassian cornered you about there being someone else.”

Helen hated that Lauren knew her so well. She could pinpoint the exact moment Helen felt like she was in a nightmare that she couldn’t get out of. She read the expression on Helen's face and she knew she was hiding so many secrets. She just wanted her to come clean.

“Is there someone else?”

Helen looked at her in deep contemplation trying to rationalize how much, if anything, needed to be said in the moment. She was already sitting at the table swallowing her emotions in the form of alcohol. She needed a release and Lauren was right in front of her graciously offering one but she wanted to just hide. 

“You know we’ve been friends for a very long time. And you still do that thing where you hide your feelings. You’re not as forthcoming with information. You try to make me think everything is okay when it’s not,” she said, inching closer to Helen so she could get a closer view of her face. She continued, “I can see you Helen. You are not okay.”

Helen took a deep breath, willing away the tears that were already threatening to spill over. She knew she wasn’t okay. She just didn’t know if she wanted to talk about it. She tried to make light of the situation, “Okay, I’m going to tell you some things and I need you to not judge me. Can you do that?”

Lauren couldn't help but laugh at her question because as far as she was concerned, she wasn’t in a position to be casting judgment on anyone. She lived a messy life.

“Judgment free zone, you know this. I’m the sinner here. You’re the saint.” Lauren clarified.

“I am no saint. We both know that.”  
  
“Yea, you aren’t a saint at all. Remember that time you-”

Helen abruptly cut Lauren off, not wanting to be reminded of all the stupid crap she did in the past.

“You’re taking that to your grave, remember? Although you’ve been airing my dirty laundry all night long.”

“Fine. But that story was one for the ages,” Lauren said laughing as she reminisced.

“Okay, let’s get this over with quickly because we’re already losing focus.”

Helen began pacing up and down while she nervously twiddled her thumbs. She knew that telling Lauren this in a public restroom, when she was well on her way to becoming hammered, was probably the worst time and place but she had no other choice. Lauren would never let it go. She was already feeling guilty for keeping this from her for so long.

“So, to answer your question. Is there someone else?”

Helen swallowed hard trying to keep the contents of her stomach from regurgitating all over the bathroom floor.

“There is. Maybe. I don’t know. I want it to be. But I’m still not sure. And I'm in the biggest mess I’ve ever been in, in my entire life.”

“Wait, you’re not making any sense. Either there is someone or there isn’t. That’s not guesswork.”

Helen rolled her eyes hearing Lauren try to stamp simplicity on the very complicated thing going on between her and Max. In Helen’s mind, it was never simple. It had never been from the very start.

“It’s not that simple,” Helen scoffed.

“Who is he anyway?”

Helen closed her eyes while wearing this painfully obvious expression on her face as if Lauren should already know. Helen didn’t miss the way Lauren’s eyes were dancing back and forth watching every minor interaction between her and Max. She was sure she noticed. 

“Max,” Helen mumbled out in a low voice.

“What?” Lauren shouted, as a lady exited a bathroom stall, looking at them with disgust.

“Which Max are we talking about here?” Lauren felt like she needed a bit of clarification.

“We know one Max. And no, I’m not going to describe him.”

“Damn Helen. And to think you had to the audacity to pretend that he wasn’t your type just a while ago,” Lauren teased.

“I had to save face considering you brought Cassian of all people here tonight. But we’d talk about that later. I need to get this out quickly.”

“Okay, fine. Give me the abridged version of this fling.”

“Fling? Is that the best word you could use?” Helen glared at Lauren.

“Well I’m just assuming that it is.”

“Max and I never had a normal relationship. And I mean never. And there were so many incidents over the past two years that I cannot tell you all of it tonight. The only one that matters is the one that happened in my office a few weeks ago.”

Helen’s face flushed red with embarrassment and Lauren’s mouth flew open because she honestly thought Helen was about to tell her they had sex.

“I know what you’re thinking and the answer is no. Hell no. Oh God no, we didn’t have sex.” 

“Why do you say with such contempt in your voice as if sex is the vilest thing on the planet?” Lauren asked puzzled.

“For reasons I’d get to later on.”

“Sit down. You are not allowed to spring up out of your seat with excitement. Just listen for two minutes.”

“Okay mum.”

“I hate when you do that!” Helen rolled her eyes disgusted by Lauren. 

“So a few weeks ago Max and I had this moment in my office and I was maybe 95% sure he was going to kiss me.”

“What? What?” Lauren screamed out, her mouth popping open with Helen’s admission.

“How the hell did you not tell me all this?”

“Stop interrupting me. I’m going to have a panic attack. I’m already a mess and I’m far from finished. And I couldn’t tell you. I mean I wanted to but I couldn’t. That was around the time you and Reynolds had that stupid fight. My crap wasn’t important then.”

“Um...even if I had a fight with Reynolds, it didn’t mean that I couldn’t make time for whatever was happening in your life. You need to stop doing that. This friendship goes both ways.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m working on it, okay?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too. Now back to the point. I couldn’t sleep all night because my anxiety was raging through me. I had my phone in my hands ready to call you so many times but I just talked myself out of it.”

“You should’ve called,” Lauren pointed out.

Helen wore an apologetic smile on her face. She knew she should’ve. She continued, “The following day, he acted like nothing happened. We were just back to this crazy version of our normal selves. Flashforward to the night after that and I find out that he’s been seeing somebody else.”

“I’m going to kill him,” Lauren said, rising up from her seat to make her way to the door and undoubtedly find Max to curse him out.

Helen stood in front of her, trying to calm her down.

“Calm down. No one is killing anyone here tonight. Just breathe.”

“You sure? I’ve watched enough Making a Murderer documentaries to know how to discard a body without any trace of evidence.”

“Okay, you’re scaring me.”

“I’m joking, please. I could never. But you know I’d defend you without thinking twice about it if any man dares to mess with you.”

“I know and I love you for that but please let me finish this so we can go back outside.”

“Okay, continue.”

“So I was just feeling like he was playing games, you know? He was sending me mixed signals. That was the day after when I wore flats to work. Flats that I still cannot find.” Helen sighed as she tried to remember where on earth she put them.

Lauren raised her hand to interrupt Helen as the guilt started eating away at her. “Oh yea, about that, I think they’re in my work locker. Don’t ask.”

“But you wear size 9.5,” Helen said squinting her eyes, trying to make sense of Lauren stealing her shoes from her office.

“Keep them. Whatever. I have new ones anyway.”

Lauren looked at her confused. She knew there was something there but she at that moment she couldn’t even remember helping out Max. 

“So I decided that I needed to create some space between us after I had some random conversation with Cassian. I realized that I didn’t have boundaries with Max.”

“You have boundaries with a lot of other people. Having boundaries isn’t exactly a weakness of yours.”

“With him, it _is_ my weakness.”

“Damn, he’s that good?” Lauren questioned, a bit taken aback hearing Helen admit that. 

“Focus. And give me this damn martini,” Helen chided, as she pulled the drink away from Lauren. She took a gulp of it before she could finish the story.

“So I failed. I failed so badly. He just came on heavily when he realized that I wasn’t trying to do this _thing_ with him anymore.” she said frustratedly.

“By thing, I mean constantly be there for him and be his savior and clear time in my work schedule to accommodate him. He was listening to me. He was complimenting me. The man basically told all the department chairs that he couldn’t run the hospital without me.”

“Everyone knows that. Wait, did I miss that meeting?”

“Shut up. There’s a lot you don’t know. And yes, you did miss the meeting. You were probably in some closet having make up sex with Reynolds.”

“How do you even know we do that?”

“You told me. That’s how I know. The linen closet on the cardiology floor. That’s your spot.”

“I need to say less to you.”

“You can’t help but tell me everything.”

“But apparently you could withhold things like this from me.”

“I’m sorry. You’re never going to let me live this down. I’m going to be apologising for weeks, won’t I?”

“Nope. Maybe just a few days. I need to sleep it off a little,” Lauren smiled.

“Max is like a tsunami. He consumes things. And I just feel like he’s completely taken over my life and I don’t even know anymore. I eventually decided to give up my quest to try to establish boundaries because he was never going to leave me alone. I was going to be worse off if I tried to push him away.”

“At least you know that much. I want my drink back.”  
  
“No. But then today happened,” Helen said, taking a next gulp of Lauren’s martini, embarrassed by what she was about to say.

“My God, Helen what did you do? You kissed him? I told you to go tell him what a douche he was for treating Cassian like that. I didn’t expect you to stick your tongue down his throat!”

“I wouldn't be here if I did. We would have probably had sex by now. Anytime we kiss each other we’re having sex. I’m 100% sure of that. It doesn’t matter where we are, we are having sex. There’s too much sexual energy between us.”

“Look at you willing to have sex anytime, any place and anywhere. And you really had the nerve to deny you are a pro at public sex at the table.”

“I’m still mad at you for that by the way.”

“Let your freak flag fly high Helen. It’s there and we both know it,” Lauren smirked, winking at Helen and blowing her a kiss.

“It’s at half mast currently.”

“Who is mourning?”

“My vagina.”

Lauren started laughing so much that she began snorting. This is the version of Helen she loved-completely comfortable to say exactly what she was thinking without second guessing. It was a version of her that very few people knew existed and Lauren was always so glad that she was privy to it. 

“I don’t even have a comeback for that. I do not pity you.”

“I know you don’t. I pity myself enough for the both of us. And by the way, being a freak is something you show. It doesn’t need to be said.”

Lauren took the opportunity to turn the conversation into the direction it didn’t need to go. 

“You know if you haven’t before, although I'm sure you have, there is this spot in Central Park that’s perfect.”  
  
“There are many spots and thanks but I don’t need your spot. I have mine. Gosh, I could never finish a story. How did we even get here? I’m going to ignore your interruptions. I did something really stupid today,” Helen confessed.

“What did you do? You don’t really do stupid things though, unless I insitgate it, so I’m sure that’s an exaggeration.”

Helen covered her face as the muffled words came out, “I offered to plan Luna’s first birthday party on Saturday.”

“Okay _that_ is stupid. Why would you do that? Leave that for his single mom girlfriend to do! See, you don’t really want space from Max. You want a reason to be closer to him.”

“Well I just said I’d go whatever direction life wanted to take me in.”

“And life decided to take you in the direction of planning the birthday party for your co-worker who you apparently have unspoken feelings for, who is in a relationship with someone else that’s most likely going to attend said party?”

Hearing Lauren’s words, she found herself searching for another drink. Everything sounded so much worse hearing it from someone else’s perspective. Her life was one giant mess that she just couldn’t solve. 

“Oh you didn’t really think that through now did you? 

“I didn’t. God, I’m so screwed. And then you made everything worse.”

“Cassian?”

“No duh, Cassian. Thanks for that by the way.”

“I didn’t even know there was something there. We spoke in the E.D. today and I just thought he was a genuinely nice guy and I knew this _very_ sexy but supposedly _very_ single girl that could hit it off with him.”

“Telling me that I’m sexy doesn’t change the fact that I hate you a lot right now.”

“You’ve told me that you hate me many times over the years but here we are. What’s the deal with you and Cassian anyway?”

“I’m not even sure. I honestly disliked him in the beginning but I just realized that I misjudged him. He’s actually a really great guy. He’s charming, he’s funny, he’s resilient. He’s so upfront. I never have to guess with him. He says exactly what’s on his mind. He’s been trying to take me out for a while. I keep holding him off.”

“What? Why? Never mind, I know why.”  
  
“Well please enlighten me because I don’t even know why I’m not jumping head first into it. He’s everything I would go for.”

“Helen, you know why.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Your denial is strong. It’s because of Max.”

“Absolutely not. There’s no way I’m holding off on Cassian because of Max. That’s stupid.”

“It is stupid. It’s stupid because you have someone right in front of you that clearly wants you. Have you seen the way he looks at you?”

“Yes.”

“He’s very attentive to you. He looks at you intently when you talk. It’s almost as if he’s studying your face. He’s chivalrous. You have all that available to you and you’re holding out for someone who is with someone else? What do you expect Max to do anyway, break up with Alice and come running after you?”

“Even if he breaks up with Alice that still doesn’t fix one of my major issues with him.”

“What is that?”

“He still has on his ring.” 

“My God, this _is_ a disaster.”

“Gee, thanks for making me feel better,” Helen said exasperated.

“You know I give you the truth. I won’t lie to you, this whole thing is just all over the place.”

“I know. I just don't know what to do. I know what it’s like to grieve. I know how hard it is. But I just don’t know. Should I wait on him?”

“What if he takes years to finally be ready? Are you really willing to put your life on pause for him? You want kids, remember? You don’t want to be a parent alone. Does Max even want more children?”

“I don’t know. That’s not exactly a conversation I could see us having. That’d be weird to talk about with him right now.”

“I guess it would be. But you need to really decide if you want to wait for Max to get it together. He seems to be all you’re focused on and I just think it'd be profitable to cast your net elsewhere and see what you catch,” Lauren advised, holding Helen’s shoulders in her arms.

“Why do you have all these analogies when you’re buzzed?”

“Baby, I am _not_ buzzed. Your mess sobered me.”

Before leaving the restroom Lauren turned to Helen and said, “Just so you know, I knew a very long time ago that there was something there. I was just waiting for you to tell me. Friends can’t hide from each other.”

“How did you-”

Lauren gave Helen one look and it silenced her. Of course she would know. Anyone with two eyes and especially someone who had been in love before, could see whatever had been brewing between Helen and Max for the longest time.

“But you were in rehab. I tried to hide it this entire time.”

“You cannot hide babe. You and Max cannot hide. Believe me when I say, Cassian saw it tonight. Sometimes you just need to observe things and not mention it. People love to think they’re winning by believing those around them are ignorant to the truth.”

“I hate you.”

“Maybe that was a few years ago. We’ve weathered enough storms for me to believe that you actually love me. Quite deeply too if I could be a little arrogant for a moment.”

“Not right now I don’t.”

“When your freak flag stops flying at half mast and you’re going over the edge, you’re going to love me. Also, don’t call out my name. That’d just be weird.” 

Helen started laughing because she still couldn’t believe she said that. She was so grateful that Lauren was the kind of friend she could be her authentic self around. 

“By the way, did you secretly plot this entire thing tonight and put me in a completely awkward position just so that I’d get up off my laurels and do something about my love life?”

“I plead the fifth. Back to the table.”

Just as they were trying to worm their way through the crowd of people, Lauren pulled Helen aside and exclaimed,“Wait! There is something we didn’t talk about.” 

“There is?” Helen questioned.

“I think you hurt Max when you said there’s no one else.”

Helen sighed as she admitted, “I know I did. There’s a part of me that doesn’t care that I did because of how frustrated I am about this whole thing. But, there is this other part that feels so guilty that I want to apologize.”

“You can’t apologize unless you tell him how you feel about him.”

Helen thought about it then responded, “Damn it, you’re right.”

“But you guys need to work this out because not putting it all out there would only cause you to keep hurting each other. Honesty prevents unnecessary pain. You expect him to consider your feelings and he _clearly_ expects you to do the same, while neither of you are being upfront about what you really want. One of you has to have the cajones,” Lauren said in a fake accent, “to just own the fact that there is something there. Remember, you need to decide if you’re really willing to wait for him. If you’re not, do yourself a favor and move on. I can’t watch you hurt yourself waiting for someone who may never come around.”

Helen pulled Lauren in for a hug. She needed this. She needed a moment to just vent all her frustrations to someone. She was living in hell for so long trying to make sense of the mess she was in. Lauren was right about so many things but she needed more time to decide what she was going to do. 

*****

They were walking back to the table when she found him at the bar sitting by himself, looking like the world was on his shoulders. She signaled to Lauren that she was going to him. The entire time she was walking toward him she was already kicking herself because she felt the apology burning her tongue. Why was she still struggling with saying it? Something about them not being on good terms was something she just didn’t like. Lauren was right. She shouldn’t be hurt by anything he said when she didn’t have enough courage to be honest about her feelings. She sat next to him and ordered a drink while internally chastising herself for what she knew she was about to do. He glanced to the side and saw her. Nothing about his facial features or body language made her feel welcomed. 

“Are you sure this is where you want to be?” he questioned, as he turned around to see Lauren, Reynolds and Cassian laughing by themselves at their table.

She swallowed hard thinking about her next few words. Why was he so good at asking questions with double meanings? Was he trying to give her a reason to leave? Did he even want her to? Maybe he was still hurt about what happened earlier.

“I wanted a drink. I didn’t want to wait for the waiter to bring it. You okay?”

It seemed like a dumb thing to ask because she could clearly see that he wasn’t. He was lost in thought in some faraway place. Only his body was present in the bar.

He chuckled lightly because she could always see the truth about him. He was not okay. It’s the reason he separated himself from the table to begin with. He was going back and forth in his mind about whether he should just tell her and have them be over with this thing they were doing, that was suddenly having so many damning consequences. He opted for the truth, but not the version she expected. 

He picked up his phone and said to her without even looking at her face, “Luna.”

Suddenly, Helen became concerned as questions just started coming out of her mouth. “Is something wrong? Is that why you’re looking like this? Is she giving her grandparents a hard time? She doesn’t want to sleep, does she?”

Max started laughing when he turned to watch the expression on her face. Luna had this ability to make Helen lose all her composure. The tone of her voice reminded him of how she sounded over the phone when he carried Luna for her sixth month check-up and he thought something was wrong. He smiled inwardly. He didn’t want to let her see. Realizing that he wasn’t moving, she realized that maybe she was panicking for absolutely nothing.

“Okay, I guess it’s not that bad since you’re not bouncing off the walls. But it’s bad enough to earn this reaction from you.”

“She’s been crying for the past fifteen minutes and nothing Georgia’s parents have done has calmed her.”

“You want to go to Connecticut and get her, don’t you?”

Her question earned a genuine laugh from him. How did she know that? He had been sitting at the bar toying with the idea for the last few minutes. 

“Maybe,” he said, leaning his body toward her.

She sighed. She knew she was welcomed there. 

“See? I know you.”

“Better than anyone.”

He stated it as though it wasn’t a big deal but it was. She tucked it away because she didn’t need to get lost in that one statement right now.

“So while I ventured outside to FaceTime them to try to calm her down, I was going through all the things I’d usually try, when I realized something was missing. Two things really….”

Helen looked at him as she furrowed her brows in confusion. She didn’t know where he was going with this.

“A mom and her binky.”

“Binky?” She looked at him perplexed.

“I forgot you’re British. Dummy,” he responded in a hideous British accent.

“Your accent sucks by the way.”

“Well I learnt from the best.”

Helen shoved him when she heard what he said and he couldn’t stop laughing at her reaction.

_Gosh, why are we able to always do this?_

Max continued, “I don’t know how I never told you but the binky you bought her when she was younger is her favorite. Like the smart dad that I am, I forgot to pack it. So she’s away from me and one of the things that often soothes her, at the same time.”

Helen pulled out her phone and started scrolling.

“What are you doing?” 

“Buying her a new one and shipping it to her grandparents’ house as soon as you give me their address.”

“What? You are not buying Luna a new binky,” Max argued, snatching the phone out of Helen’s hand.

“Okay, that’s rude.”

“I’m only returning the favor,” he stated and silenced her. She couldn’t argue with him. 

He scrolled through the website and what he saw shocked him.

“Target Helen?”

“You don’t have to say it with so much contempt in your voice. Is there a problem?”

“I just never expected you to be a Target shopper.” 

“Why? Answer carefully,” she said, wiping the grin off of her face.

Max began stuttering and the only word he could get out as he watched her from head to toe was, “Because….”

“I’d have you know that I own a lot of things from Target in my apartment.”

“I’d have to see that to believe it,” Max chuckled.

“You’d never see the inside of my apartment. Mark my words.”

She seemed to be so sure of it. She clearly forgot how Max’s mind worked. The man could never overlook a challenge. She just made him more determined to see what her place looked like.

“Anyway, the binky has been bought and shipped to a Georgia’s parents’ house with _my_ money.”

“I could’ve easily bought it.”

“You could’ve but you didn’t have to. You’ve already given me too much in this one day alone.”

“Giving is my specialty.”

“Well, you’re going to have to learn to receive things too.”

“I don’t like gifts.”

“People who say that actually do like gifts. What you hate Helen are surprises because you’re not in control. You hate feeling like you’re taking more than you’re giving. But you deserve to be appreciated.”

She was speechless because she didn’t think it was so obvious to Max that those were her issues. He really pretended to be an idiot sometimes but he knew her so well.

“Anyway, those shoes on your feet are a start.”

“Maybe,” she croaked out.

She was still thinking about what he said.

“Also, you’ve done enough,” she said, trying to save face. She knew Max would go overboard with his appreciation and as much as she wanted that from him, she didn’t want to be in a position where she felt like she needed it.

“I haven’t even started. Here’s your phone. Thanks for saving me a trip to Connecticut.”

“Anytime.”

As she got up to walk off to rejoin the group he held her hand, stopping her.

“I’m sorry,” he said sincerely. 

“I’m sorry too,” she responded. 

They didn’t need to explain their apologies. They knew exactly what they meant but they would never say it. Unknown to Helen, while she and Lauren were in the bathroom having their powwow, Reynolds cornered Max and echoed similar sentiments like Lauren did. Max knew his hurt was partly his fault. He knew he had to get up and do something very soon before she left. He knew a crowded bar wasn’t the right time to wax poetic about how much he loved Helen. Even so, he didn’t want to waste the moment to apologize. He did it anyway. Her response to him made it clear that she understood where he was coming from.

******

Later that night Max texted Helen….

_Max @1:45 a.m._

_Georgia’s parents messaged, Luna finally fell asleep. <<message read>> _

_Max @1:45 a.m._

_Thanks for being such a big help. <<message read>> _

_Max @1:45 a.m._

_You did a lot for me today. <<message read>> _

_Max @1:45 a.m._

_I won’t forget it. <<message read>> _

_Max @1:46 a.m._

_Sleep well. <<message read>> _

_Max @1:46 a.m._

_I’d harass you tomorrow ;) <<message read>> _

_Helen @1:50 a.m._

_Stop lying! You called them to find out if she did. The fact that you text every sentence separately is the most annoying thing on the planet. I’m sure I’ve told you that before and you refuse to change it. Anyway, happy to be of service. I will sleep well. I hope the same for you. I’m eagerly anticipating your fragmented texts. *eye roll emoji* <<message read>> _

_Max @1:52 a.m._

_I did. Whatever. <<message read>>  
_

_Max @1:52 a.m._

_You did tell me that before. <<message read>> _

_Max @1:52 a.m._

_And I remember saying that I find it easier on the eyes to read replies line by line and not in some giant paragraph. <<message read>> _

_Max @1:52 a.m._

_I’m a man. <<message read>> _

_Max @1:53 a.m._

_I want to find the salient points in something. <<message read>> _

_Max @1:53 a.m._

_I’m not reading your entire paragraph Helen. Not now. Not ever. <<message read>> _

_Helen @1:55 a.m._

_You literally responded to everything I said. Why are you even pretending? <<message read>> _

_Max @1:55 a.m._

_In the words of someone I know, piss off and good night. ;) <<message read>> _

She put down her phone and stared into the void. So many things happened in one day that she was grappling to hold on to just one thought for any appreciable time. 

It was just too much.

Max, the cafeteria, the rooftop, his cologne, their flirting, her mum, their moment alone and what almost happened. Then there was Cassian and her saying there was no one else. Her guilt, his eyes, him ignoring it and pretending that it didn’t hurt. Then her and Lauren in the bathroom. Then there was the Luna thing. He saw the truth about her so clearly when she tried to pretend she hated gifts. His apology. 

She sighed.

She didn’t know when they’d really say it but she knew that every day they did this helpless dance around their feelings was becoming more difficult. They were stepping on each other’s toes, inflicting more pain by their silence. She wondered how much more pain she could take, how much longer she could wait and if she even had it in her to actually move on from him. She knew that if she kept stalling, life would do something to push her away from him and into the arms of another man. She knew she would never be able to walk away from Max with all the strength she had in her. Her heart had become so controlling recently. She couldn’t think herself out of love the way she used to before. She couldn’t undo the feelings. She couldn’t undo still wanting him. She needed the push.

And as life would have it…..the push was coming. 

_Cassian @2:00 a.m._

_Tonight was interesting. I’m only more determined to actually take you out on that date now. Good night. <<message unread>>_

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may be growing weary but rest assured, there is a method to my perceived madness. I’ve mapped out the majority of this story. I just need to sit and write it.  
> Also, this story is ultimately about Max/Helen so I intend to spend a lot more time teasing out their relationship than Helen/Cassian. Anyway, see you for the next problematic installment where a lot of things happen. As always, thanks for still reading. As long as you keep reading, I’d keep writing:)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly contemplated quitting this story. But here I am, trying. I hope you have some sort of interest in this still. Believe me when I say, I need motivation. I’m sorry it’s taken me this long but here’s your ridiculously long update :)

Your mind may want you to let go but your heart wants to give you what you truly desire. That’s why your heart is so unrelenting. That’s why, in the face of difficulty and uncertainty, your heart stands firm, unwilling to steer you in a different direction other than the one you intended. The little speck of doubt that holds you back from a resounding yes, when logic and reasoning calls you to take a leap of faith, is your heart, saying to you that this thing isn’t truly what you want. 

But sometimes you ignore it. You tune out the lub-dub of your heartbeat thumping in your chest, as it beckons you to live for that person or that thing that makes you feel the most alive. You silence the yearning because waiting just doesn’t make sense; moving on does. Moving on is what’s logical and if you wait, who can say for certain that you would be rewarded with what you’ve been (im)patiently waiting for? Sometimes certainty feels like the better option and waiting in doubt isn’t.

But, to know what to do is easy. To actually do it can be so damn hard, especially when you’re so caught up in your feelings. Your heart cannot understand reason or logic. It just feels what it wants to despite whatever your brain may tell it. It pulls you in places you know you shouldn’t go and encourages you to do things you know you shouldn't do because…..you feel to. It’s as simple and hard as that. You just feel to. Who can reason with their feelings anyway?

******

She spent most of yesterday nursing her emotional hangover more than the hangover caused by her over indulgence of liquor. She wasn’t sure at what time she was able to turn off her brain reliving and reimagining every scenario that occurred on Friday night. Her mind was relentless. The thoughts buzzed constantly and sent her into a tailspin of too many questions she couldn’t even answer; questions she didn't _want_ to answer. She remembered waking up yesterday with an untainted memory of everything that happened on Friday- so much for the liquor helping her forget. 

Even after so many hours of overthinking, she still couldn’t understand why Max had this hold on her. Maybe her heart understood but her mind surely didn’t. Why couldn’t she talk herself out of it like she did, that time in college, with that guy she had a ridiculous crush on? Why couldn’t she use reasoning and see this for what it really was-something that could possibly end in nothing but disaster? Somewhere along the way, she knew she’d get hurt. She knew something would crush her and she was pretending that it wouldn’t. Maybe it wasn’t pretense at all. Maybe she just didn’t care if she got hurt. Maybe her heart wanted her to throw caution to the wind and just go after what she wants-Max, and only Max. 

_Why should I want him anyway? What makes Max so desirable to me? He wears drab, blue scrubs practically everyday. I fancy a man that can actually dress well. His apartment is the messiest place I have ever laid my eyes upon. I can’t tolerate a messy place. We would argue about that all the time if we were to ever get together. To top it off, he could hardly articulate his feelings. He says things in a very roundabout way. It used to be cute and endearing watching him become tongue tied. Now, it just annoys me that he just can’t use his words like a grown man. I like someone who is direct and knows what they want. Ugggh. Even worse, he still can’t choose. It’s clear to me that he can’t. I also despise the fact that he struggles with boundaries. I could also see that being a major issue if we were to ever get together. Bloody hell. I know everything I don’t like about him._

Her eyes shot open as realization dawned on her. 

_Max feels like a project. I don’t want a project. I want someone who has their shit together. That is not asking for too much. I just need someone who doesn’t make me question the way I feel about them. The love I have for them has to make sense._

She was trying to focus on all the reasons she and Max would never work, in an attempt to talk her heart out of the tangled web her feelings had caught her in. For every reason she could find, her heart rebutted with one thing to silence her logic.

_I know all his flaws and I love him anyway. I know I shouldn’t but I love him anyway. My God. Maybe this isn’t love at all. I just need to have sex and I’d be okay. I’d forget Max even exists._

She didn’t get to this point of feeling this way about Max by chance, but for some odd reason she just couldn’t remember why Max was so important to her. Maybe she was just trying to find reasons to let him go. Maybe her mind was just trying to protect her heart from getting hurt. Maybe she wanted to be over him so she could move on and never look back. Maybe it was because of Cassian. Maybe she wanted to get to know Cassian more than she thought.

She let out an exasperated sigh, and sank headfirst into her bedsheet, with a pillow over her head. She was feeling like a confused school girl with a crush all over again. Except, she was a grown woman with feelings for someone that she wasn’t entirely sure loved her, or really ever could, in the way that she knew she deserved to be loved, unless he could let go of his past. 

_Love shouldn’t be so bloody hard._

With every passing minute, she could feel her peace of mind being swept away by the tidal wave of unwanted thoughts. Of all the men on the planet that she could’ve fallen helplessly for after Muhammad, she _had_ to fall for Max. Getting to this point wasn’t even intentional. She genuinely didn’t try to feel this way about him. As a matter of fact, she fought it. She remembered how much it took her by surprise when Akash pointed out there was a thing between her and Max. Marlene, a complete stranger, alluding to the fact that they had this weird dynamic that was more than professional, made her even more confused. Innocently, she only saw herself as his doctor at first. She couldn’t be more to him. Just as she said to Marlene, he was married. 

Before then, she didn’t know that she looked at him that way. She wasn’t aware of the sultry tone of her voice, that would suddenly appear out of nowhere in the middle of their conversations. She didn’t know that she had become so comfortable with him, that sharing the same cup of coffee became a thoughtless act. For a long time, she didn’t even realize how much she enjoyed toying with him, just so he could beg and plead to have her do something for him.

In the beginning that felt like enough. But now, it wasn’t enough. It couldn’t be enough. It shouldn’t be enough. She wanted more. If she were honest, she _needed_ more. Loving eyes, sultry tones and occasional kind gestures cannot sustain a friendship, much less a romantic relationship. She needed more from him. Her feelings couldn’t be sustained by the sinful nature of wanting something that she couldn’t have. It wasn’t a game anymore. She didn’t want to keep being benched on the sidelines while watching someone else score, knowing she was the most valuable player.

She wasn’t even sure that she had it in her to keep wrestling, almost daily, with her feelings for Max. Somewhere along the line, she began trying to convince herself that she’d be okay with whatever they are. But every interaction they shared seemed to leave her more entangled in his snare. And Max, as always, would feel her desire for detachment and tie himself more tightly to her. 

Sometimes their bond felt like a constrictor knot. Of all the knots in the world, the constrictor knot is one of the hardest to undo. The only way it can be undone is to be cut and completely severed. She was starting to think that the only way she’d escape Max was to cut herself off from him, completely. She wasn’t there yet though. But she needed to get there soon before she would end up hurt. 

_When will this end?_

She sat up and stared at the accent wall in her bedroom, fixing her focus on the abstract painting, as though the answer would come to her. Surprisingly, she heard it as clear as day….

_The moment you decide to end it, Helen. When you decide then you will act and stop this nonsense._

She silenced the thought, threw on some sweats, and decided to take a run to forget about everything. She needed to escape, and the one way she knew to do that was run, with no destination in mind.

******

He woke up to the crushing pain on his chest gripping him until he sat on his bed hunched over, almost gasping for breath. Sinking. He was sinking. It had been happening for almost a year and there were days he wished he could pretend it wasn’t there. But every morning, the pain was there to remind him of memories he wished he could forget. Thankfully, her shrill cry threw him a lifeline. He missed her. For those two days she spent with Georgia’s parents, he missed holding her while he deeply inhaled her baby scent. He missed her giggles when they would play peek-a-boo. He often used that moment her mouth opened with surprise, to trick her into eating her solid foods. He missed her babble and every so often, the recognizable “dada” among all her gibberish. He missed holding her and kissing her an infinite number of times, while he reassured her constantly that he loved her. If the last two days taught him anything, it was that Luna meant a lot to him.

That wasn’t all he learnt. He learnt that Helen did too-a lot more than he realized before. There is something to be said about what the awareness of impending loss could do to a person. The thought of Helen being with someone else-someone that wasn’t him-was still looming in the back of Max’s mind. He remembered how she sat at the table flirting with Cassian as though he was invisible. He wished he could forget the way she smiled at Cassian and touched him delicately, every so often. He didn’t know if it was consciously done or not, but it wouldn’t even matter if it was anyway. It bothered him. Two days had passed, and their interaction still bothered him.

Something about Helen with Cassian felt _very_ different from her relationship with Akash. He was too sick and _very_ married, to be bothered by her relationship with Akash anyway. If he were honest, Akash never felt like Helen’s forever person. Although he was grateful to be chosen as a candidate for his trial, he saw the way Helen often left Akash’s side to come to his aide. He knew her heart was with him back then. But something about Cassian felt so different and it scared him. She could forget he existed once Cassian was around and that made him uncomfortable. Cassian seemed to be everything he wasn’t. He was so direct. He would say exactly what he was thinking without even stuttering. He seemed to be completely undaunted by any circumstance and was relentless. Max wasn’t sure he could match that. 

He picked Luna up, and placed her favorite pacifier in her mouth to comfort her. That one action interrupted the tsunami of thoughts about Cassian. He remembered _their_ moments. He remembered how close they were to just coming clean about their feelings for each other. He would have probably been laying in bed with her right now, staring at her as she slept, while touching her every few seconds to convince himself that he wasn’t dreaming-she’s right there next to him. In an ideal world, he would have already been the one to end her dry spell. He smiled at the thought, feeling a little freer that his mind could go to those places. But then, he passed his hand on his face, and the cold metal from his wedding band, reminded him of the chilling truth-confessing his feelings for Helen last Friday wouldn’t have changed much with his ring still on. He started second guessing. 

_Was I really going to just tell her how I felt? Maybe I was also going to ask her to wait on me. Will she even wait for me? Maybe it’s not fair to ask her to wait for me. But I want her to wait for me. I feel like I’m ready but I just can’t take my ring off. Not yet. Gosh, I don’t even know what I’m waiting on. Maybe I just feel guilty. But I can’t lose her. She’d never be the same way with me if she were to ever date Cassian. I need to do something before that happens. Maybe she’s been waiting on me to just do something. But what?_

He kissed Luna’s head as he stared outside the window, “We can’t lose her Luna.” He saw the sun shining with such brilliance, and the flowers in full bloom. This wasn’t the day to stay at home. He decided to go to Central Park with Luna to clear his head. 

******

He spotted her from a distance, although she was clad in all black with a cap on, in an attempt to remain inconspicuous. He smiled to himself as he watched her running with so much determination as if she had some goal to meet. He picked up his pace, thinking about how he was going to start some easy going conversation with her. He wasn’t sure if she was one of those people who liked to exercise uninterrupted. In his mind, he had nothing to lose, so he took the risk.

She was so lost in thought that she hadn’t noticed that he was running alongside her. Only when she paused to catch her breath meters before The Tavern On The Green restaurant, she noticed someone in the corner of her eye. She jumped with fright when she saw his face but her surprise turned quickly into humour, suddenly watching him hunch over to try to catch his breath.

“I’m beginning... to think….you’re stalking me,” she huffed out.

He held up his hand to indicate that he was so winded that words couldn’t even come out. She smiled to herself realizing that he was no competition for her. 

“You okay there? Need oxygen?” she teased, as her breaths evened out.

“I...would...have...you...know...that...I...am...fine,” he said with staggered breath.

“Sure about that? I can dial the ambulance right now.” 

She touched his back as she said, “You should stand up. If you keep leaning over, you’d make yourself lightheaded. The next thing I know you’d be vomiting, and then I’d have to be responsible for you calling in sick at work tomorrow.”

That was all he needed to hear. He shot up and looked at her completely unamused.

“For the record, I wasn't stalking you. I run here from time to time, _especially_ on Sundays. Why are _you_ stalking me Helen?”

“Did you start running today?”

“Why’d you ask?”

“You don’t seem to have much stamina.”

He glared at her. 

“I’m more of a short distance type of guy.”

“So you thought you could do a few hundred meter dashes around Central Park?” Helen chuckled at Cassian’s ignorance. 

“Whatever.”

“You’re a slow walker,” she said, remembering the first time they met. “You clearly can’t run very fast. Do you do everything slowly?”

“Not everything. Not all the time. You have to know how to adjust your pace,” he said suggestively.

_Did he just? My God._

“From my experience, I think you enjoy life a lot more when you slow down. You see things you wouldn’t have seen. You’re able to immerse yourself fully in moments, all because you’re not in a rush to go anywhere.”

_He always says something deep. I could tell he has lived a full life already._

She tucked away his words.

“By the way, do you _really_ think I’d carve out time and energy to keep tabs on you? Get a grip of yourself Cassian,” she said, as she rolled her eyes at him. 

“Did you just call me Cassian?” he questioned, as he looked at her more closely so he could inspect every little detail on her face. He didn’t want to miss the slightest quiver of her lips, uptick of her brow or pulsation in her neck, revealing the fact that her heart was beating just a little faster from nervousness or just, desire. 

“What? No, Dr. Shin.”

He saw it. He saw the way she quickly averted her gaze, unable to look at him squarely while speaking such a blatant lie. She was more comfortable with him.

“Trying to save face now, are we? You definitely called me Cassian which means you are more comfortable with me.”

“Who ever said I was uncomfortable?” she bit back.

He wasn’t in the least bit surprised that she’d deny her discomfort. 

“Well why haven’t we gone out on that date yet?”

“Do you never tire?”

“I do in fact get tired. I’m getting tired of waiting on this really gorgeous woman to say yes to a date.”

“Oh, poor thing,” she teased, looking at him with playful pity.

“I’m sure that woman has a _very_ good reason why she hasn’t said yes yet.”

“She does,” Helen responded, with much certainty. 

Cassian refused to let it be. 

“But what if I keep persisting? I think at some point she’d say yes.”

“You’re _that_ sure of yourself?” she scoffed. 

“There are few absolutes in life but I am _sure_ she’d give in,” he emphasized. 

“Why are you so confident?” she challenged. 

“I ask for what I want without any hesitation. I’ve noticed that people eventually bend once I refuse to break. I don’t quit unless absolutely necessary,” he stated, without looking away from her once. 

“Doesn’t the fact that she’s been hesitating for the longest while bother you at all?”

“Are you asking if it has been a blow to my confidence? The answer for that would be a resounding no. I like challenges. I am rarely shaken by difficulty.”

“Where does that come from?” Helen questioned, very interested in Cassian.

“Let’s see. Not to sound cliché but I grew up poor. My parents moved from South Korea to the U.S. when my older brother was two years old. I’m a first generation Korean-American. They worked really hard to raise two boys by running a Korean restaurant in Chicago.”

Helen could see the pride on his face as he spoke. There was no shame in his story. His heritage was something he seemed to be very proud of and rightfully so. 

He continued, “My mom couldn’t give me the world but she gave me everything I needed-a great for education and her wisdom. She always said that I should be brave to ask for what I want and believe that I deserve it. If I don’t believe that I deserve it then I probably shouldn’t pursue it.”

“Is it me that you want?” she blurted out, without even thinking.

He smiled. He could hardly believe how direct she was about the whole thing. Maybe she wasn’t that different from him, in that way. 

“You wish,” he responded with a straight face.

Helen couldn’t even hide the embarrassment that flushed her cheeks. She didn’t even know whether to walk away or just try to make light of it.

He touched her hand and said, “I’m only joking. I can confidently say that getting to know you is _exactly_ what I want.”

“You already know a lot of things about me. I’m clearly British because of my accent. I hate tardiness. I like being paged about my patients. I have G.E.R.D from eating meals too late, as you so annoyingly pointed out before. And I'm sure you could tell that I’m not the least bit interested in you.”

“So why are you still standing here talking to me and not finishing your morning run?” He folded his arms taking her in as he challenged her statement. 

“Because I choose to.” She folded her arms too, as some sign that she was rejecting his advances. 

“Why did you choose to?”

“Because I can.”

“Helen, you do realize that you have nothing to lose by going out with me, right? Are you scared that you’d fall helplessly in love with me?”

_Helen what are you doing? You keep waiting for Max to come around and he may never. Just move on already. Cassian makes sense. Max doesn’t._

“Helplessly in love is a wee bit of an exaggeration Cassian.”

“Not a lot right? Just a wee bit.”

“Ugggh, it never ends with you does it?”

“Never. Saturday at 8 p.m. I’m not even asking you anymore.” 

“I could say no, you know that right?”

“You can. But if you were going to, then your eyes wouldn’t be filled with so much intrigue, and you surely wouldn’t be biting your bottom lip like you are right now.”

She came to her senses and adjusted her facial expression. 

_He’s more annoying than Max but in a completely different way. Maybe an enjoyable and likable kind of annoying? Not the kind that makes me want to pull my hair out sometimes. Why is he everything Max isn’t? Maybe I do need something different. Different looks like Cassian. I should leap and see where this goes._

“The answer is maybe.”

She was still hesitating to say yes, unreservedly. The little speck of doubt was anchoring her in the thought that she could wait on Max just a little bit longer. Somehow, she couldn’t shake the hope that he’d come around, hopefully sooner rather than later. That wasn’t all. There was this part of her that wanted to prove Cassian wrong. She wanted to stand by her words that she wasn’t the least bit interested in him. But her body language kept giving her away. There was something about him that kept stubbornly drawing her in. She wasn’t sure why.

“I’d take it. It’s better than a complete no.”

He stared at her more intently, appearing deep in thought before saying, “I could be wrong but I think you actually want to go out with me. You’re just overthinking the whole thing. I don’t know why but you are. You have to get out of your head and just go for it sometimes. A little risk doesn’t always hurt but too much logic often does.”

_Oh my God, he’s never going to stop doing this. It doesn’t even make sense that he reads me so well and we barely know each other._

Helen only chuckled, trying desperately to hide what she was really thinking. Nevertheless, Cassian seemed to possess the superpower of reading her thoughts. 

“I know you’re the kind of woman that wants to be pursued. I’m pursuing you, so let me.”

“You are so direct.”

“I think that makes things a lot better. I’m too old to waste my time and energy on something or someone I don’t really have any interest in. I figure you might be the same.”

“I am,” she said, shaking her head in agreement.

_Maybe I just lied because I’ve been wasting my time on Max. But I’m actually interested in Max so I didn’t exactly lie, did I?_

“So if this date turns out to be a disaster then neither of us would hesitate to say so.”

“Believe me, I won’t!”

“I think that’s the most enthusiasm I have _ever_ seen you show,” Cassian affirmed. 

“Exaggerating is a personality trait of yours, isn’t it?” Helen questioned. 

“I thought that was an understatement to be honest,” Cassian corrected, with a smug grin on his face.

Helen couldn’t help but laugh at how quick witted he was. Based on their limited interaction, she was sure that their date wouldn’t be a disaster at all. If it were to be anything like this conversation, she’d thoroughly enjoy it. If she were to enjoy it, then what next?

“Anyway, I have to go, you know, finish my morning run since I was _rudely_ interrupted,” she said, pointing to the east with a smile on her face.

“Well, I’m going that way,” he responded, pointing to the west. 

“You know Helen, divine interruptions are sometimes the best things. Call it fate or whatever,” Cassian explained.

“Goodbye Cassian.”

“Saturday at 8 p.m. I’d give you more information as the week progresses.”

“Looking forward to it,” Helen muttered underneath her breath, fighting the smile on her lips. 

As soon as they were about to walk off, Helen took two steps with her eyes still fixated on Cassian behind her, before bumping straight into something. As she spun around, she started apologizing, “Oh, I’m so terribly sorry. I wasn’t looking where I was-Max?”

 _Bloody hell._ _Of all the places. In a park this size. Nothing makes sense._

Divine interruptions are sometimes the best things. Call it fate or whatever. 

Peeling her eyes away from Max, she looked down to find Luna sitting in her stroller smiling at her. Suddenly, she remembered that her Saturday was booked. She had a birthday party to plan.

_Why does he always do this? Why does he always show up like this? Wait, I just told Cassian maybe. But that maybe was more like a yes but I just didn’t want to say it outright. Clearly this is why I didn’t say it outright._

She was thinking so many thoughts watching Max stare at her with this weird expression on his face. She couldn’t even read him.

_Of all the places, I found her here. Wait, is that Cassian? Of course it is. This man is like the wind-he’s everywhere. I’d be damned if he has her before I do._

“Luna, do you see who it is?” Max said, stooping down in front of Luna’s stroller to unbuckle her. Luna began shrieking with excitement when Max said with a softer voice, “Yes baby, it’s Helen.” He picked Luna up and palmed her off to Helen, who graciously opened her arms to hold Luna close to her. Cassian looked at the scene in front of him. He didn’t want to jump to conclusions. He merely observed. He forgot he was about to finish his run.

“I’m guessing this is your daughter Max.”

_I’m in the middle of them….again. This is some sick joke._

She wasn’t exactly in the middle. She was actually standing much closer to Max-evidence of what her heart was feeling despite what her brain may have believed to be true.

“Yup. This is Luna,” Max stated, as he watched Helen completely lost in her little world with Luna. She was preoccupied playing peek-a-boo with her, while Max and Cassian conversed.

“I’m guessing you decided to take some extra time with her while her mommy sleeps in,” Cassian suggested. He honestly didn’t know about Georgia’s death. He wasn’t one to listen to hospital gossip and the ring on Max’s finger only made him make assumptions that were terribly false. Max scoffed. Helen looked up at him with apologetic eyes, and he could see the words forming on her lips to apologise for what Cassian said, but he wouldn’t let her. She shouldn’t apologise for Cassian as though he belonged to her. 

“Something like that,” Max replied. 

“Anyway, I should go. See you at work tomorrow Helen. Don’t forget this weekend.”

She smiled at him and tilted her head as she responded, “I’m sure if I do you’d remind me. Bye Cassian. See you tomorrow.”

_What do they have planned this weekend? I doubt she said yes to that date. He’s not her type. Why would she even waste her time and emotions on this? Helen isn’t the time wasting type._

Max watched their exchange and he could tell that his thoughts from earlier that morning weren’t wrong. Cassian was definitely no Akash. He was very different. Max needed a plan because he would lose Helen. He could see that he was already starting to.

“What are you doing here anyway?” she enquired, as she turned to face him.

He was slightly taken aback by her question. He suddenly felt unwelcome. She saw the disdain on his face and corrected herself, “I didn’t mean it like _that_. I just never really saw you here in the time that I've ran here before. It just felt strange running into you.”

_He probably thinks that I don’t care to see him. It’s not that. It’s just that-ugggh. The words just aren’t coming out right._

“Well, today seemed like a good day to take Luna to the park so we somehow ended up here.”

Luna began fussing, interrupting their conversation, so Max suggested that they walk.

“I should get going actually. I have a party to plan, remember?”

“I do remember but I think we’d make more headway if we just start planning things while we’re here, together. It’s a nice day. Who wants to be cooped up in an apartment alone anyway?”

_He’s so bold to assume I’d be home alone. Maybe he’s the one that’s alone._

Helen searched his eyes. She knew exactly what he was doing but she went with it anyway. She bent down and strapped Luna into her stroller while placing her dummy in her mouth, calming her instantly. Max watched the way she supported Luna’s head to put her down. He paid attention to the way Luna kept touching Helen’s face and smiling as she securely strapped her in. Helen kept making silly faces and blowing kisses at Luna. He noticed how incredibly easy it was for her to pacify Luna and he knew it was true; Luna needed a mom. 

_Maybe she needs Helen. She was never like this with Alice._

As they started walking, she instinctively placed her right hand on the stroller. Max placed his left on it. Their pinky fingers overlapped, almost interlocking, but neither of them removed their hand. The contact, which should’ve felt strange, was comfortable and almost familiar. Max occasionally stole glances at her while she was clearly deep in thought, not even saying anything. Helen was engrossed in listening to the leaves rustling in the wind, smelling the flowers in full bloom, watching the petals curl in the sweltering heat of New York City and feeling the occasional light breeze hit her skin. Like Cassian suggested, she was slowing down.

“What are you thinking about?” Max asked her.

She was so lost in thought that his words sounded distant.

“Earth to Helen,” Max said, waving his hand in front of her.

“I’m here. I’m here,” she assured him.

“What’s going on in that mind of yours?”

 _This feels like the way it used to be._ _His questioning. His curiosity._

“Do you believe in fate?”

He was puzzled by her question. 

“What do you mean?”

“Do you believe that things happen for a reason and that you cannot control what’s meant to be?”

“You’re getting all philosophical on me here,” Max laughed. She was being completely random with her question. Helen hardly ever did that unless something was really bothering her. 

“Well Helen, I believe that things _do_ happen for a reason. That doesn’t mean that I’d like it though.”

She smiled at him because she knew that he was just as much a control freak as she was-maybe more. 

“And often that reason isn’t known to us in the moment. We only become aware in hindsight. You know that they say, hindsight is-”

“20/20,” they said in unison. 

“Fate is one thing but I think that you can decide. Your decisions must have some effect on what happens. Maybe your decisions can alter fate,” Helen mused. 

“Wouldn’t that contradict the very meaning of fate if what I decide changes the outcome of what was destined?” Max questioned. 

“Perhaps. You probably have a point.”

“But how do you know something is fate?”

“You don’t. It unfolds for itself. When it happens, you’d know only in-”

“Hindsight,” Helen completed his sentence.

”If you knew something was destined to happen, you’d try to deliberately alter the outcome to suit your preference, if we’re being completely honest. If you liked what was predestined, you’d want it sooner than you should have it. If you hated what was predestined, then you’d act in a way that would contradict the outcome,” Max said.

”I wish I could tell you that’s a lie but it isn’t.”

”Ignorance is bliss right?”

”Not at all. Just pure agony,” she sighed. 

As they walked along the path, Max looked to his right and saw it. 

“Do you remember this place?” he asked, interrupting her thoughts again.

She looked up to see the sign. She smiled remembering their first encounter.

“I absolutely don’t.” She feigned ignorance. 

“Quit lying. The first day we met in the atrium you told me that we’d lunch at The Tavern and it’d be your treat,” he said, mocking her British accent.

“Okay, that was a horrible accent. Never do it again!” she exclaimed, covering her face from the embarrassment. 

“You don’t like it? I think it’s bloody good,” Max continued, making light of the way she speaks.

She threw her head back laughing at his shenanigans.

_He makes it so easy sometimes. This is hard but he makes it so easy sometimes._

“You owe me lunch. I haven’t forgotten.”

“I don’t owe you a bloody thing. That was a one time offer. It expired. And maybe your memory is terrible because I said that we’d lunch at The Tavern and not The Tavern _On The Green_ ,” she pointed out. 

“Oh, so you do remember?”

“Perhaps.”

“So do I have to take you to The Tavern myself?”

“Are you sure you can afford it? It’s completely overpriced. I wouldn’t want you to deprive my munchkin of her trust fund money with you taking me out to lunch.”

She leaned over the stroller to look at Luna who was now fast asleep.

_It never gets old hearing her call Luna that._

“But you wanted to take me there within one minute of knowing me? Did I mean that much to you from the start?”

She wiped the shock on her face quickly before she thought he would notice. He saw it anyway. 

“What? I take _everyone_ to The Tavern. You’re not _that_ special.”

She lied. She had never taken any man to The Tavern as a treat before in her life. She didn’t even realize before, that from the very first day, she had been giving Max some weirdly special treatment. 

_God this is crazy._

“Yeah, right. Someday I’d take you there. No expense spared.”

_Some day. Why is he doing this? I hate that he always does this. He keeps giving me a reason to hope._

“Sometimes you rarely remember the first time you met someone.”

She looked at him puzzled, not really knowing what he was trying to say. He stopped to look at her with his piercing blue-green eyes. She knew eye contact was often a telltale sign that Max being very serious. 

“I still remember the most trivial details of the first day I met you.”

She stared back at him, suddenly at a loss for words. It was the same gaze that night in the bar. It was the same one when he walked toward her in her office. They were both aware that their eyes were revealing their feelings but helplessly, they couldn’t look away. She could hardly believe what he was saying because she could remember every tiny detail about their first interaction too. He averted his gaze first, shaking his head subtly as if he needed to snap out of the trance he was in. They continued walking as he reminisced, “You had on this red sweater with black stripes going down each arm. You wore a leather skirt and you shoved your coat in my face when I offered to help you.” He chuckled at the thought as a crisp image of her that first day entered his mind.

Hearing those words, she released her breath, feeling the tension between them ease just a bit.

“I did _not_ shove my coat in your face, Max. You asked how you could help and I found it awfully kind that you’d even put that forward. I merely took advantage of it.”

“You’re such an opportunist.”

“And you’re not?” Helen countered. 

“We’re talking about you here, not me. Anyway, I remember lifting your very heavy suitcase so you could walk freely up the stairs too.”

“You _chose_ to do that,” she corrected.

“I thought it was only courteous. And after all that you were so sassy,” he stated, shaking his head. 

“I was? That memory might have faded a bit.”

“Let me see if I could stimulate your hippocampus a bit.” 

He stopped the stroller and placed his fingers on her temples, while he jokingly massaged it, to stimulate her memory. He looked down at her, and they were so close that if Helen only tiptoed, she’d meet his lips. She smacked away his hand before she could lose all her senses, and do something to further complicate the already complicated thing they had going on.

“I fired so many people that day but I fought to keep you around.”

“Why did you?”

“I knew you were special from that very first interaction.”

“Are you sure it wasn’t because you had an inkling that you had cancer and you knew I was a world renowned Oncologist?”

“Whoa! I cannot believe you right now,” Max replied, slightly surprised at her arrogance.

“What?”

“You are giving me a serious Dr. Helen vibe right now.”

She only shrugged her shoulders, not even denying his revelation. He could always differentiate between those two parts of her. 

“To finish answering your question, you had that je ne sais quois that I just couldn’t shake. I had this gut feeling that you were a great person who just needed someone to see you for who you really are.”

“What did you see?”

He didn’t hesitate. He said it so effortlessly as if he had rehearsed the answer to the question countless times, yet every word felt sincere. 

“Over the last two years I saw that you are someone who cares deeply for others. You treat your patients like they’re family. You are willing to go the extra mile for practically anyone, without ever expecting anything in return. You consistently show up, without ever having to be asked. You have this amazing sense of style too. I feel like you look good in anything.That’s just the abridged version by the way,” he leaned in and whispered into her ear.

 _I look better with nothing on._ She smirked at her thoughts.

“In summary, I would’ve been a fool to not fight for you.” 

_It wouldn’t be Max if he didn’t say something like that._

“I would’ve just gone to a place where I would’ve gotten the appreciation I knew I deserved.”

“I wouldn’t have let that happen. When I really want something I don’t let it get away from me.”

“And what if it does? What if you lose something you really wanted?” Her tone was more serious. 

“I fight to get it back with everything in me because I am a sore loser.”

“I’m sure you are.”

“What matters is that you stayed.”

“All I ever needed was a reason to stay.”

He furrowed his brows. He wasn’t sure that they were talking about their first interaction anymore. Maybe she was telling him to give her a reason to keep waiting on him. Maybe she was telling him that there was still some unexplained hope inside of her, waiting to be strengthened by some guarantee from him that this could work. That waiting wasn’t some foolish idea. That her hope that they could be together wasn’t something futile. If she were to wait, just a little bit longer, it’d happen. They’d happen. 

Staring at him, she remembered how she had been struggling all morning to remember why she didn’t accidentally get to this place with Max. One conversation brought back so many memories of their initial interactions-the ones that led to her having so many intense feelings for him. As they walked, she remembered that his kindness was what drew her in first. She was always a sucker for a kind-hearted man. Somewhere along the line, their bond grew stronger when she became the only one to know his secret. That secret was the thing knitting them closely together. 

She remembered how he had this overwhelming interest in knowing her, and he’d never back down despite how much she tried to keep him at a distance. He always wanted to know her more. Max had the ability to relentlessly pursue whatever he really wanted. That perseverance against all odds, was the quality that made her desire for him feel worth it. She knew he’d never give up without a fight. And all she wanted from him was to fight and give her a reason to not walk away from everything they could be. She didn’t accidentally get to this place. She got here purposefully. She loved him intentionally and her actions for the past two years proved that. 

She quickly changed the subject. “I called the cake decorator yesterday. It’s very last minute so I expect it to cost us a little extra. She’s willing to meet us at 11 a.m. tomorrow. Is your schedule okay?”

“Even if it isn’t, I’d make the time. Giving Luna a great birthday party is my priority. New Amsterdam would be fine without me for a few hours.”

Helen couldn’t even hide the astonishment on her face hearing Max say those words.

“Why are you so surprised by what I said?”

“Do I look surprised?”

“You did that thing you always do when something catches you off guard. Your eyes popped open a bit and your right eyebrow rose a few millimeters.”

_He still knows me._

She chuckled and shook her head.

“Hearing you say those words about work being able to function without you just took me by surprise. New Amsterdam is your entire life.”

“It used to be but the little girl in the stroller is my entire life. I’ve regretted a few things in my life so far, but putting that hospital first all the time is one of the biggest ones. It messed with my marriage.”

She wasn’t aware that New Amsterdam had been that much of a point of contention in his marriage with Georgia.

“What we do is great but I have a tendency to get tunnel vision about things. I get fully absorbed in any task I'm undertaking. I’ve been absorbed in being a great doctor for years. I’ve felt like the only way to do that is to bend over backwards and show up anytime I’m called upon.”

Helen stared at him while he spoke. He never looked at her once. He kept his eyes fixated on the path in front of him. She saw the faintest flash of tears pooling in the corner of his eyes.

He hesitated a little before saying, “I think-I know that I’ve tried so hard in the past because I’ve wanted to be everything those doctors who acted too late to save my sister years ago weren’t. I never wanted someone to die on my watch.”

After all this time, Helen was finally understanding why he never wanted to choose which life to save when the power went out because of the snowstorm. Every patient Max meets reminds of him of his dead sister, despite their race, gender, social status or age. He’s been trying to save Luna every single day he steps foot in the Dam. 

“You can’t save everyone.”

“You told me that before, remember?”

“I know. But it’s true. You can’t. You can only do the best you humanly can. And your best is enough. Your best doesn’t have to be to the detriment of yourself or your relationships. Your best must be for you first and then for everyone else.”

He finally turned to look at her with open vulnerability piercing back at her. He smiled while squinting at her as he digested her words.

“You give pretty great advice, you know that?”

“So I’ve been told.”

“Where is your humility Dr. Helen?”

“That was a _very_ humble statement.”

“Maybe it was but I detected a hint of arrogance in your voice.”

“Oh please,” she said, tapping his shoulder in jest.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

The words just rolled off his tongue with ease, as though it wasn’t a loaded statement with so many implications. He meant it. He didn’t know how to be without Helen. That brief moment she stopped being his doctor and his cancer worsened had him so off his rockers, that everyone got the nastiest version of him.  
  
“You were fine before we met,” Helen stated. 

“Was I really?” Max questioned, causing her brows to furrow with confusion.

It’s the weirdest thing that you live most of your life without a person and then they enter your life, and living without them seems like an inconceivable thought. No matter how hard you may try, when your feelings start getting ahead of you, you can’t imagine it. You can’t imagine the space that feels full inside of you, that’s now occupied solely by them, as being hollow once again. You can’t imagine your days not being filled with moments where they’re all you think about. You can’t imagine reliving your worst moments without their presence. You can’t imagine finding a reason to keep going to work everyday because they never knew it, but seeing their face made the fight to stay afloat worth it. 

_What is going on?_

“You were. You’d be fine. Either way, I'm sure you’d be fine.”

_Why is she so sure of that? I wasn’t fine without her when she went back to London for three months after Georgia died. I don’t think she knows how much I needed her then._

“I don’t know about that,” Max argued. 

_He’s being dramatic. He was fine when I went back to London for three months. Whatever happens, he’d be fine without me._

Seeing the stairs to the train station ahead, Helen said, “Anyway, I need to get going. I really need to organize the rest of things for this party. I have a lot of emails to send and a few calls to make.”

“I still have to send you the guest list by the way.”

“That you do. You’re keeping me back. I want it tonight,” Helen demanded.

“Yes boss. I will. Text me when you get home.”

“No, I'm not going to.”

“Seriously? I want to make sure you’re safe. Text me when you get home.”

“Whatever. Bye Max. I'd see you tomorrow.”

“Bye Helen,” he said, waving at her as he watched her cross the street and descend down the steps leading to the train station.

_She really makes my life so much better without even trying too hard. I really can’t lose her._

He looked down at his ring.

_I’m giving you two more weeks. A goal is a dream with a deadline so I’m giving you two more weeks and then that’s it. Hopefully by then, I’m not too late. Just two more weeks Helen. Wait for me two more weeks. I’m almost there._

******

She found herself waking up that Monday at the crack of dawn, an entire hour earlier than usual, to do yoga and guided meditation. She just had this sinking feeling that this week in particular, she’d need it. She had been flunking out on taking the time to center herself amidst all the emotional chaos she was surrounded by lately. Maybe she kept letting things happen to her without responding appropriately to it. She needed her control back. She needed her focus back. 

Last night, when he sent the email with all the guests for Luna’s birthday party, and she scanned the list to see RSVP by Alice’s and Bobbi’s names, she suddenly felt like she made the right choice telling Cassian, maybe (likely yes) to their date. She couldn’t keep doing this. She started to wonder how she could bump into Max in Central Park, of all places, on a random Sunday, but never once run into him and Alice on some date. They worked at the same place almost everyday and she never once saw Alice at New Amsterdam. Granted, she’d be in an entirely different wing if she brought Bobbi for a checkup, but something about Max and Alice being together just wasn’t adding up anymore. He never once spoke about her. It would be entirely plausible for him to mention his girlfriend in random conversation, but she was never a topic of discussion. Helen wasn't sure they were even together anymore. But if they weren’t, why would he keep that from her? 

She shook it off and got herself ready for work after completing her morning routine. As she looked through her closet, while thinking she had nothing to wear, she realized why it was so hard to choose an outfit. There were just some clothes that she loved, but she couldn’t get into on her own. She wouldn’t be able to zip it up. She suddenly started to really miss being in a relationship. She remembered those mornings she would disturb Muhammad while he ate breakfast, to zip up her dresses or skirts for work. Most times he undressed her and they’d be late for work because they were too busy having morning sex. She missed the way being in a relationship made her feel. She missed that feeling of being loved unconditionally and openly, without any reservations. Muhammad’s love felt easy and she never had any reason to second guess how much he wanted her. If she were honest, in some ways, Cassian reminded her of him. The little she knew about him that reminded her of the only man she loved with everything, could potentially become something genuine. She smiled at the thought, as she settled on something figure flattering that she could get into unassisted. 

******

She made her way to the E.D. sighing at the thought that it was only ten o’clock. She had an appointment with the cake decorator soon and the last time she spoke to Max was yesterday in Central Park. She didn’t know what to say after she saw Alice and Bobbi’s names on the guest list. Everyone that saw her kept commenting on how great she looked today. She kept looking down at herself trying to make sense of so many compliments. She didn’t think that she looked any different than she did usually, but clearly something about her struck everyone’s attention. 

“Hey, I need some girl talk,” Helen said, as she pulled Lauren away from the desk into a nearby room.

“I’d prefer it if you were tall, dark and handsome but this could work,” Lauren said suggestively.

“Good morning to you too,” Helen chuckled. Lauren never seemed to have an off day. 

“Wait, before we start, you look great today,” Lauren beamed, as she scanned Helen’s appearance.

“What? Why does everyone keep saying that? I got so many compliments on my way here. So weird.”

“I’m not even kidding when I say you really look great. I like your hair like in that updo. Oooh, that red lipstick looks great on you too.”

“Le Rouge by Givenchy,” Helen said, puckering her lips.

“You have a date today or something?”

“What? No.”

“Had sex last night?’

“I wish.”

“Damn, your flag is still flying at half mast?”

“Not for long.”

“Wait, what do you mean? Max or Cassian?” Lauren lowered her voice. 

“Who? Max? Ugggh. Please.”

“Whoa. Something clearly happened in the last two days,” Lauren responded, bewildered by Helen’s words.

“Alice and Bobbi will be attending Luna’s birthday party.”

Lauren looked at her with not even the faintest surprise on her face. She expected that.

“Stop looking at me like that,” Helen moaned feeling judged just watching Lauren’s expression. 

“I just find it crazy that you clearly expected them not to attend.”

“I never said that,” Helen contested.

“You didn’t have to. That’s his girlfriend Helen. Have you forgotten?”

“If for some reason I did, I remembered last night.”

“You’ve clearly chosen to wait on him.”

“I also never said that,” Helen denied firmly.

“You don’t have to explicitly say it for me to know it’s true. When do you think he’d come around? After he breaks up with Alice or when he finally has some epiphany and takes off his wedding ring?” Lauren questioned with sarcasm. 

“I’m going on a date with Cassian.”

“Wait, what? When? Why didn’t you start with that instead? I wouldn’t have been rambling about you and Max.”

Helen rolled her eyes watching Lauren's theatrics.

“We ran into each other yesterday and he told me that we’re going on a date this Saturday at 8pm. I told him maybe.”

“Why didn’t you say yes? You know what, never mind. I know why. When will this end?”

The question hit Helen like a tonne of bricks hearing it from someone else. She knew the answer already.

“I have every intention of going if you must know.”

“You better! I’m not letting you pass this up. Your lady parts don’t want you to pass this up. I care about them more than you. This is crazy!” 

Helen ignored Lauren’s words. If she entertained Lauren, they’d start talking about all her previous sexual conquests and that was not the conversation she wanted to have at the moment.

“He kind of reminds me of Muhammad. I didn’t realize it until this morning,” Helen said nonchalantly, as she took a seat on a chair in the room.

“Did you hear what you just said? That’s a huge deal. Muhammad was like the one guy you loved with your whole heart. Do you think you could start feeling that way about Cassian?”

“To answer all your questions and comments: yes, I heard what I just said. I’m aware that it’s a huge deal. I know how much I loved, still love and will always love Muhammad. I don’t know but I guess I could. If I ever fall in love with Cassian it wouldn’t be because he reminds me of Muhammad. It’d be because I genuinely love who he is.”

“That’s fair.”

“Cassian has this genuine interest in me. I’ve missed that. I’ve missed feeling like I’m the center of someone’s attention. I’ve missed feeling like the only person they’re enamored with is me and only me.” 

“Why do I get the feeling that this has something to do with Max?” 

Helen sighed deeply.

“You know I have a lot of walls up but I know Cassian’s persistence could knock them down. He doesn’t stop and that scares me. Not in a bad way but in a way that lets me know that I could possibly become very vulnerable with him. When anyone knocks down the biggest wall I have up, it’s just a domino effect from there on out. I think that’s part of why I’ve been holding him off so long, you know? I know I could go there but I don’t-”

“Max,” Lauren said, interrupting Helen.

Helen began rubbing her temples just hearing his name again. 

“Has he ever knocked down any of your walls?” Lauren inquired.

“He knows some stuff. More than the average person I guess. To be honest, it was great in the beginning but somewhere along the line he started to become more distracted when I was being vulnerable.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’ve told him things I don’t ever bring up in conversation before and he just sort of dismissed it. Well, I think he did. It felt like he did. I don’t know if he really heard anything I had to say, you know?”

“Yikes. That’s not good. But why do you think he dismissed it? Because you did say that he wasn’t always that way. If you kept telling him things it’s because at some point you felt very safe with him.” 

Helen stopped to think about Lauren’s question.

“I don’t know. Maybe he got that way after Georgia died.”

Lauren paused to think about what Helen said for a moment. 

“Have you ever stopped to wonder that maybe he couldn’t deal with some of the broken parts of you because when showed it to him, he was too broken himself? That carrying the burden of your weight with his grief was probably too heavy for him at the time?”

Helen could feel the tears stinging her eyes as the words Lauren spoke settled inside her. She never once thought of it like that. 

“I-I” she stammered.

“It’s okay,” Lauren said softly, holding her.

Helen let out an exasperated sigh. 

“Sometimes I struggle to understand how I’ve still gotten to this point of feeling this way about Max. But then he does something and I remember why,” Helen confessed. 

“Feeling how?”

“Like I love him. I really think it’s just-uggh. I’ve convinced myself once I have sex, I’d forget Max exists.”

“What?” Lauren chortled.

“I feel like you’re worse than me!”

“There is still a lot I haven’t allowed him to see. If he does, I know we wouldn’t be able to come back from that.”

“What do you mean?”

“We always have these moments where things happen between us-good or bad-but we bounce back from it as if nothing ever happened. But I’m so sure that if I ever really let Max in, and he’s able to respond to my vulnerability the way he did in the past, I wouldn’t be able to walk away from him. We wouldn’t be able to ignore that. _I_ wouldn’t be able to ignore that.”

“So are you ever going to let him in? I mean, more than you already have?”

“Absolutely not. I’d fight not to. That would be the dumbest thing I could ever do knowing he’s so wrapped up in his mess.”

“I hope you keep your word.”

“Oh trust me, I will. That layer of my heart is a fortified city. He’s never getting in.” 

Interrupting their conversation, Helen’s phone started buzzing. When she pulled it out, she saw a series of text messages from Max because he still didn’t know how to text in a paragraph.

_Max @ 10:30:30 a.m._

_Ron’s here. <<message read>> _

_Max @ 10:30:35 a.m._

_We have an appointment, remember? <<message read>> _

_Max @ 10:30:40 a.m._

_Meet me in the atrium. <<message read>> _

“That was Max. We have an appointment with the cake decorator. I have to go.” 

Helen opened the door to leave the room when Lauren’s words stopped her, “Now it all makes sense.”

Helen paused and turned to look at Lauren, while saying, “What does?”

“The way you’re dressed.”

“What? No. I just picked any old thing that I could zip up on my own.”

“It’s so funny to me that your ‘any old thing’ items of clothing turn out to be designer clothes that the average person will _never_ wear to work. You subconsciously dressed like that knowing you’re going out with him.”

“Bye Lauren.”

“Don’t do anything I won’t do.”

“That’s not a lot. I should do _everything_ I know you won’t do!” Helen exclaimed, as she closed the door behind her.

As she walked off, she thought to herself, _I didn’t really dress like this because of Max, did I?_

******

His back was turned to the atrium, with his attention focused on the commotion outside, as ambulances passed up and down bringing patients to The Dam. Then he heard it. The sound, that to others, could drown in the deafening hustle and bustle of so many scores of people around. He heard that sound that let him know she was walking toward him. As soon as she was one foot away, he smelt her perfume and if there was any residue of doubt that it was her, it was washed away then. He turned around, with the stupidest grin on his face ready to make some silly comment. In his mind, they were normal. Nothing weird or untoward was going on between. All that greeted him was, “Let’s make this quick. We’re already cutting it close. Mrs. DeVignes is waiting on us and we have to deal with traffic.”

“Good morning to you too,” Max said, feeling a sudden coldness in the air around them. She definitely wasn’t in a good mood.

“Good morning,” she responded dryly, walking ahead of him towards the car. It was so weird that they weren’t walking in step with each other, with her body leaning in to his without notice. He tried to shake it off but he knew something just wasn’t right. 

The car ride to the cake shop was quiet and tense. The entire time Max was trying to figure out the reason for the sudden change in her mood. She wasn’t like that just yesterday. They had a pretty great conversation in Central Park. She texted him, although she was adamant that she wouldn’t, to say that she arrived home safely, and they ventured into some ridiculous small talk as though they hadn’t just spent time with each other. He was going through all their encounters in his mind. Before Ron could stop the car, he remembered. 

_This has to be about Alice. I guess I should just tell her that we’re no longer a thing if she’s this worked up about it. But what if it isn’t about Alice? I’d probably look like a fool. This car is no place to have a conversation about how I feel about her. Maybe I should just forget about it._

Before Ron could open the door for her to get out, Max was already opening Helen’s door. He was determined to break her down and get her back into his good graces again. She looked at him, unmoved by his chivalrous act. He realized he needed to try harder. 

“We just need to pick a design. I know you struggle with choosing but this once, I just need you to pick a design so I can get back to work,” she said with frustration evident in her voice, as she stepped out of the car. She was prepared for him to show her, yet again, that even with the simplest things, he couldn’t choose.

This was one of the first times they were deliberately spending time with each other for something that wasn’t work related, yet all she could think about was work. She was thinking about her patients, her chemotherapy regimens, her emails to send and her agenda for the afternoon. She was trying to distract herself from thinking about him and Alice, so work seemed like a better default. 

As they walked into the quaint shop, Helen suddenly became immersed in her surroundings. She was doing that thing Cassian told her about in Central Park all over again. It’s amazing how much she took his words to heart. Scanning her surroundings, she instantly felt like she was in her grandma’s house in the countryside, although they were smack dab in the city. The scent of vanilla filled the air around them and for a moment, she saw herself, barely three feet tall, standing on a stool pouring aged vanilla into cake batter. She knew right then she picked the correct cake decorator.

Max kept looking at her and he was so sure he saw a flash of tears in her eyes. He saw the way she instantly relaxed as she became engrossed in her surroundings. Something about this place had to mean something to her. He just wasn’t sure what or why. 

A middle aged woman with streaks of grey hair emerged from behind the counter to greet them. She was only a few inches taller than Helen and she had the warmest smile plastered on her face.

“Hi, I’m Jessie Des Vignes. Nice to meet you,” she said, as she extended her hand toward them.

“I’m Helen. This is Max,” Helen said pointing toward him. 

“I’ve been expecting both of you.”

“Can I just say how much I adore this place? I can’t believe it’s the first time I’m coming here.”

Jessie laughed. “People tend to say that a lot when they arrive here. It’s weird how much of a stark contrast it is to the busy New York City streets.”

“It is,” Helen agreed.

“Why don’t you guys sit right here so I can show you the designs I came up with. I only did three. Hopefully you love one of them so we can make this quick.”

“You heard that? She wants to make it quick,” Helen muttered underneath her breath.

Max pulled out a chair for Helen and she wanted to roll her eyes. She didn’t need him to do all of this today. She didn’t need all this attention. He squeezed her shoulders, in an attempt to relax her as if that kind of contact was some customary thing between them. She flinched at his touch. 

“So I know the theme is Peppa Pig. I’ve done quite a few birthday cakes with that theme before. The designs I’d show you are subject to change if there’s something you don’t like. However, I only have a few days to make it so that’s something to take into consideration.”

“It’s fine. We’re not fussy people. At least I’m not,” Max said with a smile. 

_Why is he acting like we’re a couple? Luna is his child, not mine. Seriously? He’s not fussy? He is so bloody fussy. Ugggh._

Jessie instinctively handed Helen the sketches. Before she could place them between both of them, Max was leaning in Helen’s direction with his arms wrapped around her chair. He was so close that she could smell his aftershave. He had on the same cologne from Friday night and she wasn’t even sure why he was trying this hard. She didn’t care. She couldn’t care. She shouldn’t care. 

“I like this one,” he stated rather quickly, within a matter of seconds of viewing the sketches. 

“Are you sure?” she questioned, as she turned her face toward him. 

His face was a few inches from hers and she could see the way his eyes fell from her eyes to her lips, not once, not twice, but three times. She could see that he was thinking, wondering what to do, if anything, and just like that, she averted her gaze first. 

“Positive,” he responded. 

“Why are you so surprised?”

“I’m not surprised.”

“You are. You did that thing you always do. The same thing you did in the park yesterday.”

“It’s just that-you chose so quickly.” She kept looking at him puzzled, trying to make sense of his actions. 

“I did. But I knew what I wanted so I went for it.”

“So why haven’t you-”

_Bloody hell. What am I doing? I cannot ask him that. What the hell am I doing here? Not in the cake shop of all places Helen. Just let it be._

He squinted looking at her more closely. He knew exactly what she wanted to ask. He just wanted to hear her to ask it.

“Why haven’t I-what?” he challenged. 

“What kind of cake do you want? Chocolate? Vanilla?” 

She quickly tried to change the subject. She was not about to go there with him. Not today. Hopefully, not ever. 

“Chocolate.”

 _Kind of like you. Except you’re more like caramel to be precise. I like caramel.  
_  
He kept staring at her as his mind roamed. 

“You haven’t even tasted the cake yet.”

“I’m telling you, I know I’d choose chocolate. That’s what I want.”

They kept staring at each other and Jessie’s eyes kept dancing back and forth between them. She had no idea what was happening but she loved their interaction. It felt natural. They seemed to have this indescribable chemistry while talking about cake of all things. She wasn’t entirely sure if they were really talking about cake at all, to be honest. 

She gave them the cake samples and as soon as Max tasted the chocolate he said affirmatively, “I told you I’d want the chocolate.”

Helen could hardly get a grip of what was happening. She expected this to take an hour at the very least. She thought that Max would go back and forth, frustrating her because he wouldn’t be able to make a decision. Within ten minutes, things were already decided. She was honestly at a loss for words.

After thinking about it for a while she asked, “So do you like chocolate cake?”

She just couldn’t leave it alone. Something about this sudden change in Max kept bothering her. She should have been happy about it, but it only left her with more questions as her cognitive wheel kept churning. 

“I’m neither here nor there on it.”

“So how were you so sure that you’d want the chocolate cake?”

“Because I just knew. I can choose when I want to.”

“Oh. Noted,” she scoffed.

She wanted to say more. She wanted to just ask him right then and there if he could easily choose chocolate cake, why hasn’t he chosen her? If he really does want her, as his body language often gives away, why hasn’t he chosen her? 

He knew. He knew exactly what she was trying to get at and he wished he had the gumption to just explain why this was different from chocolate cake. He wanted to explain why he still hadn’t come clean with his feelings after all this time. He wants to be completely ready for her and as much as he wants her, he’s just not there yet. He’s getting there. He’s a little better but not fully there. All he wants is for her to wait on him just a little longer. 

“I guess we’re all decided then. I must say, both of you are the first couple that has ever come in here that didn’t have an argument choosing the design of the cake for their child’s first birthday. And it’s even crazier how much of an opinion your husband had in this whole thing. I expected you to do more of the talking Helen,” Jessie said, looking at both of them. 

“Oh we’re not together at all,” Helen stated in a tone that earned a questioning look from Max. She said it as if it were some far fetched thing that would never happen. 

“Oh my, I’m sorry. It’s just the dynamic between you two just works. A little spicy at times but it works. You two seem to love each other a lot.”

 _Why does it feel like that day with the snow storm all over again?_ Helen pondered. 

_Sexual tension Jessie. This is serious sexual tension,_ Max thought to himself. 

Jessie continued while looking at Helen, “I really thought you were Luna’s mom. The excitement in your voice when we spoke over the phone. And then there was the fact that you knew exactly what you wanted for that little girl just made me think that.”

“It’s fine. It’s not a crazy thing to think. You should see them together. She’s great with her,” Max stated. 

_Why does he always do this? He says the craziest things so nonchalantly. I’m sick of him._

Max saw the confusion on Jessie’s face when she looked at his ring and saw Helen’s hand bare.

“Oh, we’re not cheating or anything. My wife died. Luna’s mom I mean. Helen is a very special person to Luna and me.” 

Helen pretended she didn’t hear him. She was so fed up of Max always saying how much she meant to him but hardly showing it. It just felt like empty words. 

“Anyway Jessie, thanks so much for squeezing us in. We’d be in contact with whatever other details you’d need. And by the way, your cake reminded me of home.”

“Where is home?”

“London.”

Max paid attention to what she said and the way she said it. He could hear the nostalgia in her voice. He could see the yearning in her eyes to relive the simplicity of those moments from her childhood. Helen never really spoke of her life prior to moving to New York before. He only knew a few things. 

As they walked out, he opened the door to the store for her and asked, “why does this place remind you of home so much?”

“It just does,” she dismissed.

“I want to know why.” He wouldn’t let up.

“Well I’m not going to tell you why. If you want to know, feel free to figure it out on your own.”

“Why are you being like this?”

“Like what?” she bit back.

“This.”

“Professional?”

“Really? Professional? It’s more like curt and dismissive. I’m sorry.”

Apologies were starting to become so typical of Max that they began feeling less impassioned and more like tools of manipulation. He knew how to wring her arm, halt her movement and caress her heart in the same way a cardiac surgeon massages a heart on the operating table to get it beating again. She didn’t care. It wasn’t going to work this time. 

“There’s nothing to apologize for. Ron’s waiting and I have work to get done. We’re good. Everything’s great.”

She began walking off when he grabbed her hand, stopping her in her tracks because letting go was never an option for him. He spun her around and began speaking, refusing to let go of her hand. He could feel her trying to loosen her grip but he held her hand more tightly. 

“Seriously, I don’t like when we’re like this. I’m sorry. You know I am.”

She could hear the pain in his voice and she knew it was getting to him but she didn’t care about his feelings. What was his apology going to fix anyway? It was pointless. 

“Max, we’re fine. I’m fine. I didn’t sleep well. I didn’t have coffee this morning. That combination just threw me off.”

“Want me to buy you some coffee? I’d stand up in that God forsaken line just for you. I don’t care how long it takes me.”

_He’d never stop using coffee to apologize._

“Thanks but no thanks. I’d just head over the Neuro wing and get some there or something. Honestly, I’m fine. Stop worrying about it.”

“You’d tell me if you weren’t?” he asked, lowering his voice. He kept rubbing his thumb over the dorsum of her hand, almost caressing it, as if that action would get her to open up and really tell him the truth. 

_I’ve been telling you this entire time. You keep asking me because you know deep down that I’m not really fine and we’re not really fine._

“Promise. I really need to get back to work.”

“I know. I just,” he hesitated again. He wanted to say something but the words just wouldn’t come out.

She let go of his hand and began walking toward the car with more determination. 

He stood there feeling as though something was ripped away from him. It didn’t make sense. All she did was let go of his hand and walk away. He blurted out, “Helen, wait for me.”

“I’m not going to. Not anymore,” she muttered under her breath, with tear filled eyes, refusing to look again in his direction.   
  
_Max can actually choose. I don’t know why I was so foolish to think that he couldn’t all this time. He chose Alice. He hasn’t been choosing me. Choosing is not an issue for him. I just wanted it to be that way so I could find a reason to be kept in limbo. Well not anymore. This is my cue to walk away. '_

_I did choose her. She's the reason I broke up with Alice in the first place. She's the reason I'm trying to get over whatever is holding me back. I chose you Helen, a long time ago. Just wait for me._

Every step she took was like a saw cutting deeper and deeper, trying to sever the constrictor’s knot tying them together. 

******

She stood in line completely dazed. She was wondering if she was too harsh with Max earlier. She knew that’s the worst attitude she ever had with him but deep down she was just offloading all her frustrations about their relationship on him. All this time, she had been waiting and all she wanted from him was a reason to make the wait worth it. Instead, she had to be reminded that he was with Alice. On top of that, it was so clear to her today, that Max could choose. He just wasn’t choosing her. To anyone else, it was just cake. To her, it was something more. 

She looked down at her feet and if she were more impulsive she’d fling his shoes across the hall. But they were so bloody comfortable and so much like her personal taste that she wouldn’t. She was so frustrated that every single part of this damn hospital reminded her of him. She looked up, and she could see the mural he had that artist paint. She looked to her left and saw the fruit stand that was still operational. Everything around her reminded her of Max and that was the problem in and of itself. She could try to let him go, but how was she supposed to when her surroundings at work were filled with not so subtle reminders that Max was omnipresent? He was everywhere and in everything- her heart included. 

Interrupting her thoughts, she heard, “I think you’re really stalking me now.”

She smiled hearing the familiar voice and she knew it was him. He always knew how to rescue her from her incessant thoughts about Max Goodwin.

“I confess. I am stalking you. I have been for quite some time,” she joked.

“I guess you saw something you liked.”

“Hmmm. Not so sure.”

“Yea, I’d like the black beans with my burrito please,” Cassian said to the server.

“You need to stop telling so many lies Helen. Naughty.”

“A little lie to protect yourself never hurts Cassian.”

“So you say.”

He peeped at what she was having and realized she had a slice of cheesecake in her hand. 

“Hard day?”

“Why’d you ask?”

“You were just staring blankly in the line before I approached you. If that wasn’t enough of a clue, you’re going to eat cheesecake. You eat cheesecake when you’re having a crappy day.”

“What?”

“I pay attention Helen.”

“Who's the stalker now?”

“I’m not. I just notice things about you and well, anyone in general. There is Macy, one of my scrub nurses. Today is Monday. She usually eats a Caesar salad every single Monday without fail. Across there is the janitor Mr. Mike. I can probably safely assume that it’s somewhere close to midday because this is the time he usually comes in search of lunch.”

He looked at her face and instead of surprise he saw disappointment.

“Why do you seem disappointed? Never mind. You thought I was paying special attention to you alone?”

“What? No! Please!” Helen scoffed. But it was true.

“I’ve been having a sucky day too if you must know.”

“You have?”

“Yea, I have.”

“Why?”

“I missed you.”

“And that made your day sucky?”

“I didn’t see you yesterday at all. You didn’t have lunch. I left my wallet home again. You weren’t there to pay for my food.”

”You’re lying so much that you forgot today is actually Monday and not Tuesday. You did in fact see my beautiful face yesterday, you stalker.” 

”Oops. Busted.”

“You need to stop doing that by the way. The leaving your wallet home thing, if that part is even true. If you only miss me because there is no one else for you to ask to pay for your food, should I be happy about that?”

“I don’t know. Are you happy about that?”

“Not in the least. And I don’t know if men could be gold diggers or whatever but you seem to be one.”

“No way! I’m far from. I’m a gentleman. I’d never let you pay for my food.”

“Well, you cannot refuse.”

She reached in front of the cashier and said, “I’m paying for his stuff and mine.”

“What? Absolutely not,” Cassian rebutted.

“It’s not an option. I kind of owe you one anyway.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was also having a sucky day and now I’m not anymore, because of you. Let me pay for your food.”

“I don’t have a choice here, do I?”

“Nope.”

“On one condition.”

“Anything.”

“This will be the first and last time you do this.”

“I promise,” she said, raising her hand in surrender. She was definitely lying about that. She just needed to get him to concede. 

“Well then you can pay.”

Cassian noticed Helen didn’t make an excuse this time around and willingly sat to have lunch with him. As soon as they sat down, she enquired, “So have you decided where you’re taking me yet?’

“I thought your answer was maybe? You seem pretty sure that we’re going on a date now.”

“Well it’s clear I’m interested. Are you saying that you haven’t thought about it?”

“I have everything planned. Stop trying to figure it out.”

“I feel like this will be a disaster.” 

“You don’t have confidence in me? I am very good at planning dates if you must know. We are definitely having more dates after Saturday.”

“What? Now I want you to fail at this so I can rub it in your face. What if we go somewhere I don’t like? What if I hate the food?”

“Damn you’re difficult. Where I’m taking you, you’d love. What makes you think we’re going to eat anything? Haven’t you heard that intermittent fasting is the new craze?”

Helen started laughing.

“Cassian, food is my love language. Not quality time. Not physical touch or any of that other stuff. Food. Don’t even play with me and my stomach.”

“I find that hard to believe since your poor eating practices have successfully resulted in you having G.E.R.D.”

“Just because food is my love language doesn’t mean that I eat on time. I got G.E.R.D. from this job that I have a love-hate relationship with at times.”   
  
“Noted. But I’m really not telling you what we’re doing. By the way, dress casually.”

She furrowed her brows.

“Why? Shouldn’t I wear a little black dress and some nice pumps?”

“That’s cute but no. You’d probably look great in that I’m sure, but please take my advice and dress casually.”

_He reminds me so much of Muhammad._

“You hate surprises don’t you?” Cassian questioned.

“Maybe.”

“I’d take that as a yes. You like being in control too.” 

“Perhaps,” Helen answered coyly. 

“Well whatever we’re going to do, you’re not going to be in control.”

“My God. I’m deathly afraid of heights. Just letting you know right now.”

“Helen, hey. Relax. Stop overthinking it. Whatever we do, just go with the flow and live in the moment.”

“How about I take a rain check?”

Cassian wiped the grin off his face hearing her words.

“Gotcha!” Helen said laughing.

“Uggggh. I’d get you back for that.”

“We’d see,” Helen replied.

“We’d see,” Cassian affirmed.

******

So what about that little speck of doubt? Does it really ever leave you? Can you really ignore it? Can you shove it down so far and silence your heart so much, that your logic overpowers it? Can your desires change? Can you start to look in a direction you didn’t anticipate and begin to feel things, good things, for someone you never expected to feel them for? If energy, according to chemists, is never truly lost, but converted from one form to the other, then does the energy it takes to love one person, translate into energy to love another? Does love defy logic? Does fate really exist? If it does, do your decisions have any impact on it? Who knows? Only time will tell.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
